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Man, I must have missed that day in Sunday School when they taught that Jesus cheated on his wife with a sex worker and then used money from his carpentry business to have his lawyer cover it up so he wouldn't lose credit when running for the office of Roman prefect.
It’s only in John.
I have no idea why, but my first thought was it's only in "the John". As in it was in some ancient bathroom graffiti. Just scrawled hastily on the bathroom walls, explaining all about the son of God's legal woes.
Funnily enough, we have learned a huge amount about first century Rome from the graffiti in Pompeii and Herculaneum.
Here's the family-friendly stuff:
http://ancientgraffiti.org/Graffiti/
Here's the absolutely filthy stuff:
https://kashgar.com.au/blogs/history/the-bawdy-graffiti-of-pompeii-and-herculaneu
That's not entirely out of the realm of possibility to be honest.
The words of the prophets are written on the bathroom walls, and toilet stalls.
When did Jesus put it in John?
Nono, he did it on the john.
With his Peter.
Rock hard peter.
Don't forget the time Jesus told his disciples that when you're rich, women let you grab them by the pussy.
They might argue Jesus had sex with a prostitute.
Tbough I imagine they would need some special type of cross to crucify Trump. I don’t think his body weight could be supported by nails through his hands or wrists.
He would immediately fall to the ground, tearing his wrists and breaking his legs.
The Roman soldiers could dip the sponges in Diet Coke, and wouldn’t need a stick to raise it to him. But it would be pretty gruesome.
They could give him one of those kids crowns you used to get from Burger King. Instead of INRI it could read IMXXL.
Then they roll him into a cave and three days later he is lifted into heaven by a Chinese spy balloon.
What about the time when Jesus was feeling a little threatened by John the Baptist's popularity so he started chanting "Lock him up! Lock him up!" I believe that was during the Sermon on the Golden Stairs.
Only for John to be ~~relentlessly investigated by the GOP~~ beheaded by Herodias for no good reason.