depression_now!

I keep posting things and deleting them. Sometime I hope I'll feel ok enough to keep one.

Attention = copium

I can no longer bear it alone. Why do I exist at all? It's so painful.

Now I'm wondering if venting on social media have positive effects at all? Or does it only exacerbate the problem. Maybe it's better to touch the grass. Fuck.

But how do I convince myself to get out of bed, eat something, take shower, take medication and find a job.

My plan is to spend the last of my money on drugs and forget that I exist.

I don't want to hear that it will get better, because I've been hearing that for many years.

And how much do you hate this unjust world?

Now I'm going to be rude. So many people on the streets. We lost as a society. Stop having kids. You are fucking spreaders of death and suffering. And at the same time you are not guilty of anything, because you are controlled by chormones, genes, laws of physics, etc. Neither is the killer, rapist, suicide and junkie guilty of anything. This world is fucked up.

Why do you people block euthanasia? Why do you force others to exist? This should be my basic freedom. I am grateful to sites like sanctioned suicide, because people there understand that there is no point in keeping others against their will in this world. It is better to leave with such support than with none at all.

Why do you block drugs? I also want to feel happy. I don't care if it's "real" happiness. Alcohol is not banned, and performs worse than other drugs when it comes to the safety of the user and others.

Our life is about minimizing suffering and maximizing pleasure. Nothing else matters. I hope this whole planet gets smashed by something. Life should have no place in the universe. This is some sort of bug in the matrix.

Ok now I feel a little better.

Do you have any propositions for images for the new icon?

Thank you dear stranger. A smile can make more of an impact than you might think. I'll try to preserve this fleeting half-second as long as I can. Next time I see someone looking sad, I'll try to smile for them too.

Step 1: I'm tired of this messaging app, but I don't want to lose touch with my friends

Step 2: "I'm deleting $APP, please email me at $EMAIL to contact me"

Step 3: Inbox (0)

Step 4: Inbox (0)

Step 5: Inbox (0)

Even IF you somehow manage to navigate today's maze of failures, rejections and heartbreak, what is your reward? To live yet another day in misery? To wait until climate change, war or disease does away with us?

A reward would be to be able to rest. I don't mean death per sé, but it seems like that's the only real-life thing left available to people like us.

Yes, yes, I know very well that "if nothing has meaning, YOU get to choose the meaning". Except I don't. Maybe if I was rich or powerful. But I'm poor, in poor health and powerless.

I read Camus' Sisiphus, and I, for one, cannot possibly imagine him happy.

i hope you're ok

.

Life was never what I was told or taught.

Being misled brought decay.

If I was shown life honest,

Maybe things would have gone a different way.

...but for now Ill sit and wait for death.

Because freedoms something I never held.

Like many in a world like hell,

We weren't able to express our dreams or excell.

That's just a gift of luck to a chosen few,

By a god whose aim is not for you.

We sit in darkness humble, patient, waiting.

Only to realize our lives are for their taking.

Why do they do this to people. At least teach people that life is actually just chaos masked with a thin veil of hope that's marketed for power and control.

I can't enjoy anything. Everyone is either extremely naive, extremely far gone, or living war life because they understand chaos is now.

Why are people surprised at how shitty things are worldwide? It's literally because all of us don't do anything at all that would ever make real change in this world.

The realest most truthful thing I've learned in my 30+ years is that heartlessness brings success. That's the dominating national ideology masked by the white picket fence dreams of a past that's purely nostalgia. These old people act like things were different but the fact is that they just believed the bullshit and didn't know what the [some] youth knows now. They got played out and are willing to kill the future generations so that they can go on pretending it was a humble life in the past.

Like the old hippies that partied wreckless and abused useful drugs until they were illegalized.

Just some music... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=enQsdbcMOiQ&t=9

I'm so depressed right now I can't pay attention to anything.

Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up.

The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty.

I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved.

I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child.

I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments.

The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.

It's really odd lapsing into old thinking habits and not having them send me on the express route to a full emotional crash. They still can (for example when I posted on thanksgiving) but it's so much harder now

The hardest truth is knowing that's it all a game.

Knowing that even though we're all the same,

and even that truth doesn't cut it.

Knowing centuries of pawns made this life of hell.

Knowing only centuries of war could get us out.

Knowing some take pride in this life laid down,

Built by others...

Death is tradition, false laws taught and governed.

Peace is killed.

Every single instance.

Because peace on earth means resistance.

...or something.

It took a lot to kill my innocence...

But you did it.

The only faith I've got now

Is when I make the choice to lean back

and fall.

Distance never ending

Falling but in ascension.

Reckless learning life's hard lessons,

Aren't even lessons,

But just wasted time passed.

Fueling their egos.

Fanning their flame.

After all,

I was born into their game.

Just a pawn.

You have no idea how real this world really is,

Look inside my eyes and see how many times I've died.

I'm not even sure I'm even still alive.

I broke bread with the wicked and learned lessons from evil

all the while seeing heaven and hell inside all people.

Never done hard drugs but still lived life under the rock.

Walking with the misfits, experience, hard lessons, pressure and stress.

Disappointed and feeling alive all at the same time.

I've seen what most don't, the unspoke.

Extreme environments that bring either death or growth.

Spoken without speaking, intuitions, when you have no money that's all that brings wisdom.

Classless, so maps don't work.

Hope, and faith, falling back into thin air.

Knowing whether it's living or dying I need to do it with no feelings.

Life is life, love is love, chaos is God.

Meditate and lose your body when things get hard.

Remember, that's all we have, all we got.

Water your garden, see the sun, trust me,

live laugh and love before your days are done.

Do you have suicidal thoughts when not taking Lyrica? Are you also dealing with addiction? Are you exceeding the recommended dosage? I take up to 2300 mg when I have suicidal thoughts. God, I want to die. I live only because my family will be sad when I'm gone. Please don't hate people struggling with suicide. I respect them. They just want to be free of pain. I want to be free too. This is our life, and we should have the choice to die.

There's no escaping. I don't know what to do. My entire life's been fucked and I've never been free.

Thought she'd be the reason I turn my life around