BestofRedditorUpdates

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-08-17 04:02:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/pumicealice

I’m leaving my bf because of a prenup

Originally posted to r/offmychest

Original Post  June 9, 2024

I’m leaving because my bf asked me first a prenup

I’m (34f) breaking up with my boyfriend (34m) because of a prenup

I’ve been with my boyfriend for about two years. Everything is going well and we love each other. We’ve been discussing marriage, and he mentioned he would not marry me without a prenup.

We discussed this in detail, and I did not like what he proposed. His family owns a lot of property, land, and has lots of savings. After marriage, he was wants me to move into one of the houses his parents own. I told him I am uncomfortable building a life and a family in a house I have no ownership in, and he didn’t understand. I told him I’d prefer to rent a place together, or we can live temporarily in one of his parents’ houses and look at property together, but he refused. He said he liked the houses his parents and he already owned. He said he would not buy other property, he said he would not sell any of his property to buy one with me. He told me if I wanted to own property, I could save up money by living in one of these properties and invest in one myself - problem is - he would be entitled to half if we divorce since my purchase would happen after marriage. He told me I could pay his parents rent if I feel like I don’t “belong” on the property. He told me I could “buy half” of the house we live in from his parents. Problem is, I don’t like the houses that him or his parents own. They also have a lot of stuff, and I feel like there’s no space for me. I want to look at houses, I want to pick the place I live in, and I want to do it with my partner. I’ve made this clear to him over and over, but he won’t budge. He earns more than me, and he has more assets than me for sure. He made it clear he was afraid I was a gold digger, and he wants to protect himself and his family’s assets from me, which I can understand.

This whole thing has made me feel very weird. This topic has come up before, and it has always made me feel very small. It makes me feel like all he cares about are his assets. It makes me feel like he wants me as long as I fit into the life he already built, and doesn’t care to build one with me. It makes me feel Ike a gold digger.

He has enough money to retire right now and live comfortably. I don’t. He basically told me that whatever money he earns now, he can spend, so he won’t be investing in too much anymore. He expects our earnings and our savings after marriage to be split…. Which I feel off about. I’m sure this is normal for some people. I’m sure other people would be happy to be with someone who was well off. I am not. I want someone beside me building a life with me, not someone who has built a life with his parents and wants me as long as I behave and fits into his life, which is how he’s been making me feel.

So I’m leaving him.

I welcome opinions on this. But yeah, it’s been too long that this has made me feel off about our relationship. I’m protecting my peace and leaving him with all his houses and money.

TLDR: Bf and I are talking about marriage. Boyfriend and his family are well off. He wants me to live in a house i don’t own, doesn’t want to look at houses with me. Wants half of post prenup assets. So I’m leaving ✌️

RELEVANT COMMENTS

OOP adds context to the prenup talk during their relationship

No. He mentioned prenup very early, and I would keep asking him about the details, but he would keep it very vague, and assure me we would work it out when the time came. I never asked him about his assets, and I never actually knew how much assets his family had. The only things I knew were from some of his one-off comments about certain assets - if he mentioned this tenant or that tenant, or this thing they have to repair etc etc.

I had also initiated these conversations. He mentioned wanting to live with me and work towards marriage. I figured then that time had come! This is when I sat him down and asked him what he expected from me, what he wanted, and to clarify the conditions of any prenups he wanted to propose. He still tried to dodge my inquiry. It took SO long for me to pull this information out of him. I guess I did wait two years, but marriage talks seemed like the right time to push him to discuss it

Update  Aug 10, 2024

so many things have happened. This is a bit of a rant, and I know I’m missing parts, but I’ll try to cover the important bits.

Before I start, here’s some important context. I have a stable and rewarding career, and tho I don’t earn as much as him, I am very happy with what I can afford. My parents have always taught me that women should be independent, and I’ve taken that to heart. I live below my means, which has allowed me to put aside money for savings and investments. A lot of comments have mentioned that I should take the free rent, and that it would somehow set me forward in life, but for me, giving up my sense of autonomy and control over my home, my safe space, is not worth the potential savings. I lived with my parents and saved aggressively until I was 30, so I am lucky enough to be in a position where I can comfortably afford rent or a mortgage by myself. Plus, he expected the living situation to be permanent. I would not move into a house owned by someone else just to save on rent. Would it be nice to save 2k a month? Sure. But most people pay rent, and I am not an exception. If I really wanted that, I could move back in with my parents. But again, autonomy is very important to me. Also, if he’s this stubborn now, I don’t see how this situation could be improved later after I already moved in. I could also counter the prenup and make it so all my accumulated assets stay mine, or put in a clause that I’ll be compensated for any children we have, or put that I’d get alimony or at least have a roof over my head in case we divorce. But for me, that feels overly transactional. It also gives me the vibes that I’m going to be living with a roommate who I sleep with and might have babies with (????) not a partner. I prefer to feel like we’re in it together. He can keep what was his, but I want to build up what is OURS. Also, if everything is completely split, it’ll open up a new can of worms. How will our expenses be split if I’m working and he’s just chilling? What happens when we have children? He has money saved for them, but will I get a say in how we spend that money? I know these can be worked out… but… this is not the type of marriage I want. I can’t predict everything that will happen, and I don’t think I can capture it in a contract. And it’s already been so heartbreaking for me, I don’t wanna go through more.

Anyways yadda yadda yadda - I’ll just say that it felt like I was being stripped of my autonomy, stonewalled, and treated like a hostile.

Ok - onto updates. So, I told him I needed to end this relationship. I appreciated and truly enjoyed my time with him, but our financial values and the preferred married lifestyle just don’t match. It was a quick and easy conversation tbh, I expected the break up to be a bit of a process, not a one-and-done thing, since our lives overlap a lot. I’m also in contact with a lot of his family, so ofc, during this whole time, a lot of them got involved… but blah blah. Not super relevant to updates.

Talk with his parents: Ok. I love his parents. I had a great relationship with them. I would go over to their house, we would  have food, chat, watch tv, sometimes I would go to the parties they host without my ex if he was busy. A few days after my talk with my ex, I went over to say goodbye. I didn’t know if the prenup was family enforced or not, so I kept it very general and mainly focused on how the situation made me feel and what I was looking for in a relationship. His parents were shocked pikachu face when I told them why I was leaving. Im going to bullet point the rest:

• His parents REALLY want grandbabies. However, ex’s younger brother and SIL do not want kids.  They were SO happy when I came into their lives and she found out I wanted kids

• His parents had created their wealth together, with his dad being the major bread winner for most of the relationship

• His mom was shocked at what he was offering me, saying these aren’t the values he was raised with. She had been effectively retired since almost 15 years ago, and she said ex’s dad never made her feel uncomfortable because of the difference in earning potential

• They told me that they built their assets for themselves and their children. They said that includes whoever their children decided to share their lives with

• They have many properties. However, they also have enough investments that they can live off of those. They told me their plan was to sign over a house of our choosing as a wedding gift, or sell a house and give us cash so we could buy a house we both wanted. As they got older, they planned to evenly divide their properties between my ex and his brother, since they wouldn’t want to manage the properties anymore, and live off investments. Ex’s mom said ...

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