this post was submitted on 01 Oct 2023
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It really stings that, having been pushed by Dad to apologise for my part in the family blow up (I have a short fuse and tend to lash out when overwhelmed/unable to communicate important things…I know this is not a good way to deal with my problems, but it’s a perennial challenge) I do not get an apology in return.
Nor, I think, will I ever, because I never do.
I don’t regret apologising for my part, but…man it would be nice to receive one as well as give one. It would be nice if “whoops, we didn’t realise we’d pushed your boundaries so hard” happened once
Next minute family will be wondering why you never make it to events.
Here is a story that might help you deal with lack of gratitude for apologies when people push you too far.
At my old workplace, the Accountant Manager always fiddled the figures so they didn’t have to pay us commission. One week, I wandered in to the office for some issue and one of the accounts girls asked “Salvo, you always have a smile, why are you always so happy?”. I replied “whenever something bothers me, I just ignore it and bottle up the anger until it boils over and I go Postal.”
She laughed, the Accountants Manager’s face went white and we got commission paid the next month.
Is this part of the on-going problem, in that they don't recognise or even realise that you have boundaries?
That’s the one.
I could have and should have dealt with it better. Blowing up was not helpful. I recognise this.
But I’m not a bad person because I want “no, I don’t want your help with this problem” to be respected…right?
Absolutely correct! With knobs on. While blowing up wasn't helpful, I do think you, an adult, have an absolute right to decide what you need help for, and what you don't. If you were 5 years old, the matter would be different. But you are not 5 years old. You have a large database of experience to draw on in making your decisions. That most definitely does NOT make you a bad person.
We have progressed. They now think I’m lying about making calls to the police (about my volatile neighbours, the original problem they’re somehow desperate to help with) and have required me to spend significant amounts of time chasing up records of those calls…
I cannot get those records without a Freedom of Information request.
They’re so sure I’m lying that I may need to spend money to prove I’m not.
This doesn’t feel like helping me.
Agh. Feels. I wonder if part of their problem is that they feel responsible for your current living situation. Whether they are, or are not, is not relevant to this. Mixed in with strong affection and a desire to protect you. Hence the less than rational response from them. Messy emotions either way. I'm really sorry you're caught up in this. But it isn't your problem or your fault, I think. Though this may not help much with navigating a difficult situation.
I genuinely feel hurt that they’ve spun off into their own little world of unhelpful rather than doing the much simpler thing and just listening to me the first time
Simpler, and more complex too. Hopefully things will get better soon. Are any further family get togethers planned for the near future? Such might offer an opportunity for mutual apologies by everyone involved. Maybe offer to host a dinner at your place, where they can hear the disturbances for themselves?
Stepmother’s birthday. Two weeks.
The last commentary I had from her was that I was “dead to her” and bound to lose my job if I didn’t learn to accept help when offered, so I suspect she’s still too angry to want to see me…
And in thirty years I’ve never heard her apologise to me for anything.
Eeek. Does not sound promising at all. Well, if she doesn't want to see you, she doesn't have to I think. And her commentary on your employment prospects does not sound at all realistic. Maybe make plans for that weekend so you can claim a previous engagement. I suspect, however, that it will all blow over by then.
I want to say you're made of tougher stuff than me for putting up with such immature drama, but also, I very quietly want to add there is an element of the longer you put up with it the longer it'll go on for... Although I acknowledge it's much harder when there are disabilities involved, I think you know deep inside you don't need your parents nearly as much as they think they are needed (and can therefore control you). I feel like you give them far too much leeway sometimes...
I don’t need them as much as they think, but…I do also love them, still. At their best, they are better than this.