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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2024-08-08 04:00:02+00:00.
I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Elegant_Bake4118
WIBTA if I bail on a party at my own house because I don't get along with One of the invited guests?
Originally posted to r/AITAH
Thanks to u/soayherder for suggesting this BoRU
TRIGGER WARNING: mentions of bullying
Original Post July 31, 2024
So way back when I first met my wife in high school, she had a friend that was not very nice to me. Let's call her claire. Claire and her BF were pretty consistently hostile and negative towards me. Lots of negative comments and underhanded insults . The kind where if you complain they tell you you're being too sensitive or "I'm just being honest". I'm not going to go into all the things she did but A key example would be inviting my girlfriend to ”girls night out” but when my girlfriend gets there, she sees that not only did everyone else bring their BF, but m GF's ex was also invited for some reason. (Claire and the ex were not friends) Schemes aimed at breaking us up were a common theme. For a while I thought she was just scared of losing her friend. We were both pretty conflict avoidant and grew up in less-than-ideal families so we just tolerated it.
After high School they still talked but I didn't see Claire much.
Fast forward a few years: My GF and I are married now and so is Claire (to her HS boyfriend who was also hostile to me). I go with my wife to parties at their house. I'm only invited because they know my wife won't go if her husband isn't invited. The hostility towards me is less overt now but it's pretty clear I'm not wanted there. Mostly just being dismissive or cutting me off when I try to join the conversation. That kind of stuff . We only see them a couple times a year so I can handle it. Although I do occasionally point out the rude things that are done to me and ask my wife to stick up for me to her friends. She makes an effort, but she really doesn't like confrontation. I try to explain that friends should not treat their friends spouses like this. And that I would never stay friends with someone that treated her so poorly. But she doesn't have many friends and feels like she can't afford to lose one of the few she has. For the record, my wife is an awesome person. She's pretty, smart, funny, but kind of shy so it's hard for her to make friends. Things are like this for a few years. At some point Claire and my wife get into a huge fight over Claire's treatment of me and it comes out that Claire hates me and yada yada yada basically expects My wife to choose between her and me. I'm happy to say she chose me. My wife cut all contact with Claire.
About 3 years Go by when Claire reaches out to my wife. She apologizes and said she realizes now that she was being really unfair to both of us and she wants to make amends. It's years later and I've made a lot of personal growth. I know about boundaries now and that it's okay to say no to people. I realized how much these people contributed to self esteem issues I am still dealing with. Just hearing their name after all this time made me uneasy. I told my wife that obviously she's free to reconnect with her friend if she likes but I'm not interested in reconnecting with them. The hurt they caused me is not something that I'm able to forgive. And to be honest, there's really no upside for me. They weren't people I would choose to be friends with even if they were nice to me. I made it clear that I don't want anything to do with them.
So for the past 2 years they've hung out every couple months. I don't ask about what they do and my wife doesn't tell me. Honestly thinking about these people dredges up all the horrible memories and gives me anxiety. I prefer not hearing about them at all. It does hurt a little bit that my wife forgave the people that were so horrible to me. But I know I don't have the right to tell her who she can be friends with. And if I told her how I felt, she would feel pressured to end the friendship.
Okay so now we arrive at today. My wife and I have been planning a party that was going to take place at our house. Nothing serious, just an excuse for friends to get together. A few days before the party my wife says oh I just remembered I invited Claire and her husband. Apparently it was a Facebook invite and she just clicked on all of her friends without thinking. She's never said it but I'm sure she would like it if we could all be friends. I considered the possibility that this was a sneaky way to ease me back into interacting with them again. But she has never pressured me before and that would be out of character.
So WIBTA if I just bailed on the party? Tell my wife I'm sorry but I just can't be around these people. I would do all the cooking the day before and help with the setup so the party can go off as planned. She can make some kind of excuse like I had a work emergency. I can just go somewhere else until the party is over.
I don't see too many other options. I can stay at the party and let these people that hurt me so much back into my life. I really don't like that option. Maybe confronting them would be therapeutic?
I can ask my wife to uninvite them and she would. But I know it would hurt her and it just feels really controlling.
What should I do? I don't like the idea of being chased out of my own house. But it seems like the lowest conflict option.
RELEVANT COMMENTS
No-Background-6199
YWNBTAH at all for not wanting to be there. But I would suggest not leaving and asking your wife to uninvite them. This is your house and they will probably get a power trip about how you aren’t there. If your wife is against uninviting them then bring up the compromise of you leaving. You have every right not to want to be around these people. I am VERY surprised and disappointed that your wife is still friends with this person. Your wife should be your best friend and life partner. And she shouldn’t want to be with friends that treat you and make you feel so poorly. Honestly would never talk to someone again if they were mean to my husband. Even if I didn’t have a lot of friends. My husband always comes first.
OOP
That's a good point. Her goal was always to drive us apart. Leaving is letting her win. And I can always kick them out.
OOP Updated the next day, Aug 1, 2024
Update: As many suggested, I talked to my wife about it. There was more to her side of it than I realized. Claire has kids that I'll admit are not like her. Playing with the kids was the only joy I got from visiting them. She isn't exactly thrilled about Claire either but she really bonded with the kids and doesn't want to just never see them again. She has been in their life since they were born. Many of the visits are just babysitting while Claire is out anyway. Apparently they miss me and ask why I don't come around anymore. I didn't even know they remembered me. We never talked about it because I told her I don't want to hear anything about Claire. This doesn't really feel like a betrayal anymore. I should have guessed that it comes down to communication.
Yeah the invite was not really an accident. She was hoping for a soft intro that might lead to reconciliation. Or at least a more workable situation so she doesn't feel like she is sneaking away to visit the kids. She gets that doing it without asking was a crappy thing to do.
We decided to leave the invitation open. Me shunning her is still letting her control me. And I would like to see the kids again. When I think about how much I have changed, I have to admit the possibility she has too. Even if she is still a cunt, she is on my turf. At the first sign of any toxic BS she gets the boot. I have all the power now and that feels good. In the end, my goal isn't revenge or retribution, I just want me and my wife to be happy.
Lol@ the people jumping straight to recommending divorce. I think you have some unreasonable expectations of relationships. I could probably make a post about us disagreeing on what end of the toothpaste to squeeze and you would still say divorce. It's the bottom btw. Only psychos squeeze the top.
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