this post was submitted on 21 Aug 2024
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Mental Health

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I'm 40 years old, in a crappy job without prospects despite degrees, and I have 0 friends.

I used to have a grand total of 2 friends before Covid, but then we lost contact. I've tried to rekindle, but all effort was onesided so I stopped.

I'm a lifelong spineless people pleaser despite lots of therapy, and the ironic thing is that this turns people off of you instead of having them like you.

At this point I don't see any reasons to continue trying.

If I had one wish in life, it would be to be a stereotypical asshole with actual self esteem - those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they walk on.

But as for me, I'm so turned off by other people in general that I would probably be morbidly amused to read, oh I dunno, that Moscow nuked Kiev (or vive versa), that Jerusalem is burning, or that my hometown was wiped away by a hurricane.

Not to be "edgy". It's emotionally debilitating, and to be clear I don't enjoy/wish for human suffering.

I've just become as indifferent to it as the world seems to be to me. Simple tit for tat.

I'm tired. Kinda hoped I wouldn't wake up from my anaesthesia today. Ah well.

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[–] [email protected] 29 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

If you don't have a hobby, start by getting one. One where you need to interact with people, and eventually, you'll meet them and possibly make friends. If you're stuck between work and home, it's hard to meet new people and move on. One can't expect to keep the same friends forever in most y you just have to make new ones because people change

[–] [email protected] 9 points 3 weeks ago

You're absolutely right, and just yesterday I signed up to join a numismatics club in a neighboring city. I don't know anyone there and this is rather out of character for me, but as you and others have said, staying in my little cocoon will never change my situation.

[–] [email protected] 17 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

gang gang homie 🤙

I'm not going to promise you it will get better.
However, i admire that you're even out there doing the thing after all the bullshit.

Go for a walk—preferably among greenery. Breathe the air. Take a few pictures of pretty things.

I'm lucky enough to have forest nearby.
Here's one of mine:

Pic

[–] [email protected] 2 points 2 weeks ago

Honestly just doing exercise can be really good. Greenery is definitely a plus though!

[–] [email protected] 12 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (1 children)

I wish I had more to say than, "Hi, me." But I don't really... other than that I kinda spend more time with AI now than people. And I still people please with it, hah.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

AI is so much better than people. I don’t try to please anyone. Fuck people.

[–] [email protected] 11 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

It took courage to post this. Knowing you are fed up and want something different is easy. Getting to the point where you have very little to lose by changing is extremely hard. It's astonishing how much suffering we're all willing to put up with.

Everyone is a version of themselves. Right now you are a version of yourself that is not satisfying. Focus on changing one thing. Focus really hard. Maybe start with valuing what you want and think. Say no or break with one person every single day starting tomorrow. Even if it doesn't help how people respond to you, it will help your self esteem.

I have always been a people pleaser. Drives me crazy. It's a quality that is good for about two interactions with people until you see diminishing returns. But there are other things I have learned to like about myself and that's enough to get me by.

Others suggestion of focusing on a hobby is an equally good way to find self esteem and others who share your interests. I wish you the best internet stranger.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Thanks for the kind words. I sort of bit the bullet and signed up for a numismatics club in a neighboring city. I don't know anyone there at all, but as others have said, I do have to put myself out there for anything to ever change. Well, I'm taking the first step.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

That's great. I know how tough it gets. Life can feel cruel. Focus and talk about the things you like and find interesting. Leave out the things that you dislike and skip the news/social media for 6-months or so.

[–] [email protected] 10 points 3 weeks ago

Damn Lemmy users are in a spot today, based on posts here and in casual conversation

[–] [email protected] 8 points 3 weeks ago

Life is complicated... finding something you like is. But I just hope you find something you are interested in, want to use, improve, nerd about, and find people doing the same.

Or you find people that feel just as you, and exchange experience with them.

A ton of people are lonely out there.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Obviously this is in mental health. If you're self aware of how cynical you are (and believe me, I've also been there as I'm also in my 40s), you really should look for avenues of therapy that resonate with you. Someone to talk to could actually hash out some inner feelings and turmoil you might be holding on.

I am/was a people pleaser also. It's hard to not be nice when people ask but I also realize if I'm saying yes to someone, I'm saying no to myself or something that might be more important. It's good to at least weigh the balance that way.

My final suggestion is a tall order. It may or may not be a popular suggestion here, but I found that stoicism has helped me. I read, watch videos, and listen to podcasts about the ancient Stoics and it helps me deal with feelings and encounters that enhance those feelings. Getting road rage? Take a deep breath and forgive that person who cut you off. Everyone has their demons and misfortune and perhaps they needed it more. But the point is you take and keep control of your feelings and actions and then you'll pursue peace. Of course shitty things will happen in the world and you don't want to be callous about them. But once you keep your integrity, authenticity, and pursue wisdom, courage, justice and temperance, everyone will see that and follow suit.

Good luck, stranger. I'm just an idiot on the Internet but your words pulled on my heartstrings.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm already into stoicism - I read Marcus Aurelius' Meditations, and some Epictetus, but despite the fact that it all resonates with me, actually bringing it into practice is another thing. I'm still trying though.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

If you want some more reading material, check out Ryan Holiday. He's more modern oriented with stoicism. And of course YouTube or equivalent sources from him.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 3 weeks ago

those are the kinds of people who seem to be anle to reach all of their goals and have others worship the ground they

Only the successful ones. Pretty of low life arseholes that don't. Also pretty of successful people that aren't sociopaths.

But it's a common thing for an empathic person with depression to wish their empathy away. Same thing with your twisted love for destruction. It seems fitting as it's the antithesis of what you are, and you've convinced yourself that you don't matter.

My advice try and get help, in the form of therapy or through your old friends. I know you feel like that's over, but have you tried asking them for help?

Gl buddy. It's a tough road, not easy to dig yourself out of. But funny give up just yet.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 3 weeks ago* (last edited 3 weeks ago) (2 children)

Drugs. Have you tried drugs? Try drugs. /s

Go do something for yourself, by yourself on your next day off, something you would normally never do.

That's how I found out despite hating big trucks and that sort of culture, I'm mad crazy about Tractor Pulls.

Good luck man.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago (1 children)
[–] [email protected] 2 points 3 weeks ago

The lowest rung beginners and top tier Unlimited Modified are the ones I dig.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

I've been an avid weed smoker since my early 20's, but I do live in a country where it is 100% illegal and not available medically, so my supply is spotty. Then again, I just had all my teeth removed, so smoking right now would be a very bad idea anyway.