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Transcription:

Anonymous 09/01/09(Tue)07:03 No.5677063

I recall a group almost ten years ago where "THAT GUY" was a relatively new player to our group and we'd agreed the game was going to be about mid-high fantasy D&D heroics - So he shows up with this drunken old man lout of a fighter. Meanwhile we're all playing young kind of weeaboo anime hero types.

We tolerated him and how often he'd talk about how drunk, smelly, and generally obnoxious his character was. He would use metagame knowledge to make fun of our characters in character, laughing at us when we'd get knocked out, calling us cowards when we failed our fear checks, and the DM would take pity on us and just kind of give us "let it slide" looks and let us take rerolls.

We'd bitch about it between sessions and we sort of grew to hate the guy as a player; His character would go into long diatribes about dungeons and gold and how useless we were and we'd get into hour long arguments where the DM would constantly have to remind us all to "keep it in IC." Anyway this campaign goes on for at least a year, and the storyline is kind of climaxing and a DMNPC gets kidnapped, so after another argument session we get convinced by "THAT GUY" to take a suicide mission and storm a castle, and he's basically yelling at us IRL we have to do it.

Anonymous 09/01/09(Tue)07:03 No.5677068

5677063

So when we agree, he leaves the room with the DM for a few minutes, and we assume this is all some metaplot how he's going to fuck us over and steal our shit. They come back in as if nothing had happened. Session continues but we're all on guard, assuming something is up. We storm the castle or whatever, and have a lot of fun, not really noticing that this guy has stopped being so obnoxious. He hasn't once mentioned how his character reeks of whiskey or onions or whatever, though he wastes a good five minutes explaining how his character shaved his beard. Whatever, we just assume the DM talked to him about how it was annoying us. Epic battles ensue and Fast forward to face off with the BBEG, some Lich thing, and the fight isnt going so well.

We're getting spanked, our Cleric is down, and Mr. Fighter has a haste and out of nowhere he goes, "I rush to Cedric (the Cleric) and slap him 'GET UP YOU COWARD'." At this point I groan but the DM is like "Cedric, you're back up with XX HP." Then Mr. "Fighter" goes, "I turn to the Lich and I smite him." And suddenly it clicked for all of us.

Fucker had been playing a Paladin the entire time. His insults were his lay-on-hands and calling us out as cowards were his Anti-fear aura. He wasn't "That Guy," *we* were "that guy" and we'd just been absolutely out roleplayed for almost a year.

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Transcription:

A series of 4chan posts

Anonymous, 07/20/2011, 00:48

Let me tell you about necromancy, /tg/. I played a necromancer once, in what I thought was a solo game over IRC.

I went around to places where the economy was horrible, the rulers were tyrants, and the people were downtrodden.

There, hidden in cairns and crypts, I taught. I taught the people how to use the dead in their defense--and when defense was not needed, in their fields. I taught spellcraft and surgery. I taught them to think for themselves.

I overthrew tyrants, I saved civilizations. I left in my wake prosperous, well-fed democracies, populated by the living and the working dead.

Eventually, I became old. Tired. I knew that lichdom was not for me--benefits aside, I was ready to move on. I had mastered this side of death--yet there was so much more to learn, that required intimate knowledge of the other side.

Anonymous, 07/20/11, 00:48

As I prepared my final resting place, with a missive spell to go out to all my proteges, I used a simple scrying spell to view the places I had visited, once more.

What I saw surprised and disgusted me. The living once again worked the fields, instead of the schools and libraries. So-called 'good kings' once more had tyranny over the people. Ignorance and fear ruled these lands again. And bodies were cremated, even the bones, and scattered so that no necromancer could use them, for good or for ill.

I traced back the lines of fate to find what had caused such disasters, what had destroyed the lands which I had saved.

Adventurers, So-called saviors, hunting down the most powerful necromancer in the world. The Arch-Lich, they called me. I wasn't even dead! The stories they circulated claimed I had lived a thousand-thousand years, spreading misery and the walking dead in my wake. Misery, most certainly not, and I was scarcely sixty years old, though my mentor had certainly lived a long time, and his mentor before him. I was not even a lich! Not long after I discovered this, my body failing, one organ at the time, this group of adventurers found me.

Anonymous, 07/20/11, 00:49

I lay on my deathbed. They were expecting a fight, some cackling, evil mastermind to kill so that they could have been called heroes. They did not expect an old, bitter man who had seen his life's work destroyed because of paranoia and bigotry.

I told them what I had done, and why I had done it. I told them of my hopes and dreams, for a world where no living man would have to work, where all could spend time doing what they truely desired--study, advancement, even the simple pleasures of a small farm and family, if they so wished. A world free of petty tyrants, where each man could vote for the ruler of their town or their nation.

In the end, I cried. For my proteges, good men dead at the hands of these heroes. For my plans, dashed against the rocks of hatred. For myself, an old, broken dying man with a wasted life.

As it turns out, my DM was using me as the BBEG for another campaign he was running... and according to him, I succeeded beautifully.

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Transcription:

A series of 4chan posts.

A picture of a girl in a red hood sitting on the ground, in front of a kneeling deer, with a tree in the background.

Anonymous 05/28/12(Mon)19:01 No.19278319

My DM and group decided to start an evil campaign, something I didn't really want to take part in and in hindsight should have not joined at all.

My character was in a group that contained a barbarian cannibal, a witch that poisoned wells on whims, and a wizard that wanted to take over the world. I was playing a rogue.

In our party's downtime, which was spent in a city the wizard wanted to take over, we each did our own thing. The barbarian started an underground arena where he ate the losers, the witch and wizard experimented on slaves, and my character stalked a young girl.

That's it. Just making hide checks and watching a young girl from a distance. Whatever my intents were, I didn't reveal them, and this made everyone feel what I consider unreasonably uncomfortable.

The barbarian, who enjoyed describing the different parts of the humans he ate as supple or juicy, was the first to tell me out of character that I was fucked up.

The rest of the group chimed in, but when I reminded them that no one said anything when the witch injected demon blood into a pregnant slave's belly in an attempt to artificially create a half-demon (and ended up just poisoning both the mother and the fetus), the grudgingly kept quiet.

Anonymous 05/28/12(Mon)19:01 No.19278326

The DM, as if to try and dissuade me from my chosen course, had the young girl's life be remarkably uneventful. She woke up, had breakfast, and went to the academy where she studied. After classes, she went home, had dinner, studied some more, and went to sleep.

After six months of in-game time, the barbarian had a small group of cannibalistic gladiators as his underlings, the witch had successfully started a part-demon breeding project, and the wizard had infiltrated the High Council of the city and had started secretly administering a highly addictive drug. My character had learned the young girl's name, knew her favorite foods, saw which students she got along with, and even had a pretty good idea of which boys fancied her.

At first, I had thought that the rest of the group was uncomfortable with me stalking the young girl because they thought my character was doing it for sexual purposes. Slowly, I realized it was because over the course of the game sessions, they had all started to care, in their own small ways, about this studious little girl. Though their characters did horrible, unspeakable things to people, those people were all nameless strangers that none of them saw as humans. My character, however, was getting to know his intended victim, carefully and diligently, with the rest of the group slowly getting to know her as well.

Anonymous 05/28/12(Mon)19:02 No.19278334

By the time the wizard had full control of the city, his player knew that the little girl wanted to study exotic plants, especially flowers. The academy that he now had complete control over was her favorite place in the world, and her worst fear was if something ever happened to it.

The witch had minor demos raping slaves in secret chambers within the sewers, with many of their foul progeny spilling out into the streets above. A few of these chambers were dangerously close to the roads the young girl took to get to school, though thankfully for her the monsters only came out during the night.

The barbarian had been tracked down by a trio of bastards he had spawned many years ago, each of them seeking to kill the father who had abandoned them. After the barbarian had killed and devoured them, in the end the player knew less about his character's own children than he did about the stranger that the party's rogue had decided to stalk.

Anonymous 05/28/12(Mon)19:02 No.19278339

By then, everyone had started to suspect that I had no ill intent towards the girl. I had done nothing to interact with the girl, nothing even remotely involved with her, besides being a stone's throw away from her as much as possible. The barbarian proposed a theory, in that my character's only intent was to hone his stealth skill during his free time and that I, being unwilling to actually commit to being evil, had chosen a "mildly evil-themed" approach. I didn't refute this theory.

After that moment, the group seemed to actually take an interest in the young girl. From a callous perspective, they were just using her to provide their characters with someone they could be good towards just to create a greater sense of depravity in the evil they committed. From a kinder perspective, the players were good people at heart and just couldn't be evil to the young girl.

The Academy was provided with extra funding, and a set of greenhouses were built for the exclusive use of the students. The demon blood experiments were now under close supervision, with nightly patrols to help eradicate the escaped specimens. The barbarian, straightforward as ever, simply approached the girl, gave her a rare potted plant, and told her that if she ever wanted anything, she could ask him for it.

!/jexuKnPKY 05/28/12(Mon)19:03 No.19278342

In the following months, she became a sort of mascot for the group. Though all of their methods were evil, they now justified their actions by saying they were for the benefit of this young girl, who they secretly (and not so secretly) doted upon. At first, only the barbarian was on speaking terms with the girl, but after the wizard took an official position as a governor of the school and the witch soon followed after him, they all came to know the girl, more than they had simply through my character's observations.

Our campaign was slowly, ever so slowly, shifting in alignment as the players began to question their character's methods. As they grew closer to the young girl, it became harder and harder to conceal their experiments and activities. At first, they only stopped the most obvious ones, but eventually the die hard evil group had shifted to a rather neutral, if not partially good, party.

Our DM, who loved character arcs and unlikely story progression, praised my character for introducing an element into the story that allowed a group of evil people to redeem themselves. As he described the young girl walking home from the greenhouses, the DM took a moment to also say that he suspected that I had always planned to eventually turn the evil campaign into an ordinary one.

Laughing, I told him I had never had such an intent, and then I told him how my character silently emerged from the shadows, stalked towards the girl, and stabbed her in the neck.

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...In the early seventies, Ed Whitchurch ran "his game," and one of the participants was Eric Sorenson. Eric plays something like a computer. When he games he methodically considers each possibility before choosing his preferred option. If given time, he will invariably pick the optimal solution. It has been known to take weeks. He is otherwise, in all respects, a superior gamer.

Eric was playing a Neutral Paladin in Ed's game. He was on some lord's lands when the following exchange occurred:

ED: You see a well groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.

ERIC: A gazebo? What color is it?

ED: (Pause) It's white, Eric.

ERIC: How far away is it?

ED: About 50 yards.

ERIC: How big is it?

ED: (Pause) It's about 30 ft across, 15 ft high, with a pointed top.

ERIC: I use my sword to detect good on it.

ED: It's not good, Eric. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I call out to it.

ED: It won't answer. It's a gazebo.

ERIC: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?

ED: No, Eric, it's a gazebo!

ERIC: I shoot it with my bow (roll to hit). What happened?

ED: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.

ERIC: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?

ED: OF COURSE NOT, ERIC! IT'S A GAZEBO!

ERIC: (Whimper) But that was a +3 arrow!

ED: It's a gazebo, Eric, a GAZEBO! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#$%!! gazebo!

ERIC: (Long pause. He has no axe or fire spells.) I run away.

ED: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo. It catches you and eats you.

ERIC: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my Paladin.

At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining to Eric what a gazebo is. Thus ends the tale of Eric and the Dread Gazebo. It could have been worse; at least the gazebo wasn't on a grassy gnoll.

http://www.netfunny.com/rhf/jokes/98/Jul/gazebo.html

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Sir Bearington (aussie.zone)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
 
 

Transcription:

A 4chan post with a picture of a bear sitting at a table with humans, playing an RPG.

Anonymous 09/25/11(Sun)23:15 No. 16426614
File1317006946.jpg-(96 KB, 634x456, sir bearington.jpg)

>Make a bear character in D&D 3.5
>DM laughs
>Make bear a rogue, put every point I can into disguise
>Prestige class as a spy to get more disguise
>DM says I can't speak english
>Max out bluff
>By growling and gesturing, I can fake speaking a language I don't speak (english)

>use money to hire a butler NPC
>Give him magical item to let him speak bear

"GROWWWWWL"
"An excellent suggestion, Mister Bearington. We really should ask the group to investigate the Black Marsh

>Over the course of the game, be knighted as Sir Bearington
>Queen holds a dinner in my honor.
>A guest becomes the first man to ever make a perception check that can beat my disguise
>Shouts out loud
"HEY, THAT GUY'S NOT A GUY, HE'S JUST A ABEAR!"
>Man is escorted out of the castle while the guards apologise profusely for the indignity
"We're so sorry, Sir Bearington, very sorry for this man's behavior"
"ROAR" *shrug*