Edit: People are really making me out to be an evil psychopath with no empathy. I get that you can only tell so much from one post, but it's incredibly far from the truth. I have people that love and adore in my life and would do anything for. It just takes me a long ass time to get to that point...and as an introvert, my social battery with new people wears down quickly. Online dating is just difficult. I am not rude to others. Conversations just quickly peter out and neither I or my match end up continuing for much longer. The "ghosting" I speak of is often mutual. These aren't people I've interacted with for months that I suddenly stop talking to. It's chatting for a day or several and then we peter out.
If you think from this small post that I am such a psychopath as to discard a literal child, I don't know what to tell you. It's just leaping to such wild conclusions that I don't even know how to respond. I don't even necessarily want kids...I just want to be able to have the option to.
I'm sorry if this is too odd or specific of a question, but I have a bit of a dilemma.
I live alone. I have some work friends work friends, but they basically stay just friends at work. So I get lonely sometimes. And sometimes I just want to have someone around to do stuff with me. And sometimes I wonder what it might be like to raise a family.
So I occasionally try dating apps. But when I finally get someone to respond to me, my reaction is first a little bit of excitement, but then I get annoyed at having to chat with someone I just met all the time. So I unfortunately act like a dickhole by then ghosting them soon after. Even if I manage enough stamina to chat back and forth for a week or so, it always just ends up tiring and a bother to me.
The thing is, I don't really have much capacity to feel attracted to people. I'm probably somewhere on both the asexual and aromantic spectrums. So you'd think, why date? Just make a friendship then. But there are some things you can't do with a friend...like raise a family and such.
Plus, I don't even think I could manage a friendship with how difficult it is for me to like someone. I don't like anyone I just met. It takes a long time for me to enjoy and appreciate people, and many never actually make it to the point of someone I really like. There have been a couple of times where I have tried hanging out with people as friends and it's just...kind of dissatisfying to me?? Yet I really like hanging out with certain members of my family. I don't get it.
Plus like...what are you even supposed to do on a date or on an outing with friends? What are you supposed to say when you're chatting with a partner? How long and often are you supposed to chat with each other? I feel like I need some sort of a step by step guidebook because I don't even know what the hell people are supposed to do with each other.
Sorry if this is too specific. I'm just wondering if anyone else out there is as confused with human interaction as I am.
I know you italicized it to tell me I need to change, but my point in saying it was to demonstrate that I don't have the stamina to get past the "getting to know you" stage of meeting someone. It takes me literal months to start to like people (and some people I never end up meshing with). Before then, any sort of interaction with someone new is just unpleasant and catastrophically draining to me, to the point where I do not wish to continue.
I wish I could say that I could flip a switch and just be engaged with strangers or have greater stamina to do so, but my brain just doesn't operate that way.
I find it much easier to develop a kinship at places like work. I don't have to be constantly forcing myself to get to know and like people people, as it just happens gradually and naturally over time through exposure. Dating is the polar opposite of that.
But then the question is what do you want? If you want something out of life that you're not getting, you're going to have to start by identifying and changing something about yourself that's creating that barrier for you. Otherwise, keep everything the same and either keep feeling dissatisfied or work on accepting things just as they are.
I disagree with you wholeheartedly that getting to know someone gradually and naturally over time through exposure at work is very much different than dating. They're actually really similar, as is all relationship building. A big difference here is chatting online vs irl. Are you actually going on dates in real life, or are we just talking online here? Those are very different things
I've just been talking online. It's tricky because the dating pool for asexuals is so small. So the asexuals that respond to me unfortunately never end up in my local area. I do agree that seeing someone irl would probably work out better for me, but as of yet I've yet to mutually connect with someone physically close to me. It's my ultimate goal though is to find someone close enough that I can meet up with.
I want a life partner. Ultimately, I will never be as important to my work friends as they are to me. They all have family which obviously comes first. It's totally understandable and I get it. It would be insane to think that I should come before my friend's husband and children. I'm not delusional. But I want someone who is on the same level of the relationship as me. Someone who I am as important to them as they are to me. Someone to spend my life with.
But if you don't like people, what's the purpose of having this? A merely pragmatic reason is insulting for the other person.
I feel like a lot of people in these replies are getting the wrong idea. I don't just hate everyone. There are people in my life that I care very deeply about and love spending every moment I can with them.
BUT it takes me a long time to get to know people to the point that I feel that way about them. And for many, I don't ever feel that way about them.
I can't just flip a switch and adore someone immediately without taking forever to get to that level. It takes a long ass time for me to develop that kinship. It happens passively when you see someone often for unrelated reasons (like for me, at work...I get to know people over time without the stamina struggle of constantly forcing a relationship). But in dating, that's the sole focus.
And what happens when you start a family and then... get tired of them? Get annoyed by them? Children can be absolute twats, and it takes them a long time to grow up. We all have low points with our spouses. Those kinds of relationships take a lot of social stamina, which you claim you don't really have. Think about what it might do to your child if things don't work out the way you planned. Let's say you don't feel the kind of love for them that you expected to. What would stop you from ghosting them, either emotionally or physically?
Well, I'd say that's how it works for must of us. In the cases of "love at first sight", generally it's mostly lust dressed as "love". Dating should be an occasion to know a prospective partner, but it's the first step of a long road if you want to know the person enough to open to them. I don't know how many people acts like this, though.