this post was submitted on 09 Jul 2023
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Autism

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I don't understand why I can't be blunt. (lemmy.world)
submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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lemmy deleted my completely finished post right before posting so let's try this again. I find it so annoying that I have to sugarcoat everything. I feel like I'm coddling people. I understand being polite to strangers, but it's so annoying when my family, who knows I'm autistic, gets upset at my bluntness. I've explained multiple times that I'm not trying to be rude and I'm just trying to communicate in a way that works for me, but it doesn't work. I just don't understand why I have to say "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? thank you:)" in some high pitched voice when I could just say, "can you not let the dogs tangle?" in a tone that conveys I'm serious. it's so much easier when intentions are simply stated.

edit: I'm having trouble posting comments but thank you for all your responses! it's helping me see things a bit easier, and I definitely have things I can work on now :)

another edit for clarity: my family and I have talked about my communication style. I've tried to find ways to meet them in the middle, as I want a compromise. they've been unsuccessful but I'm continuing to try. I want to be at a point where it's not stressful and exhausting to talk to my family. this was more of just a vent post, as I was feeling really annoyed.

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[–] [email protected] 64 points 1 year ago (7 children)

Copy all text before you comment or post so you can paste it if your submission fails and deletes.

Also, blunt can be rude, but it doesn't have to be. "Can you not let the dogs tangle?" is, by itself, serious and blunt. It sounds like it's possible that you adding additional tone on top of the words is where the disconnect happens.

Sometimes saying "hey, would you mind not letting the dogs tangle? Thank you :)" in a normal voice IS the most blunt and efficient answer. It almost guarantees no pushback. You say it, they do it, done. You saved yourself your current frustration, AND you achieved the goal of not letting the dogs tangle, with almost no extra work.

[–] [email protected] 12 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (3 children)

To add to this, starting with 'can you not' is automatically framing it to people who are bothered by this as a negative interaction because the starting premise is negative ('don't do the thing').

If you reframe it in the opposite way ('do the thing') with a 'please' to soften it a bit you'll probably have more luck, eg:

'Please can we keep the dogs untangled?' ('We' also helps here because you're assuming some of the responsibility for keeping the dogs untangled rather than it sounding like you're pointing a finger of blame which will get people's backs up pretty quickly)

Not autistic but worked in complaint management for a long time and learned how to more effectively get people on side. Also have ADHD and speak without thinking a lot and it helps to understand why whatever I just blurted out annoyed someone!

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (2 children)

that makes a lot of sense, orders are annoying. in the case of the dogs, I'll purposely walk ahead to keep them not tangled, and tell people that, and they walk even closer, so I guess I'm just not thinking about throwing in a please 💀 but hey, now I have a new challege: be polite even when three dogs are ripping you in opposite directions

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

That sounds so frustrating! Lots of inconsiderate dog owners out there. I don't know if this is a thing where you are, but we have a thing where a yellow collar or yellow ribbon indicates a dog who needs space. Now that may not actually be true for your dogs but it might encourage some more clued-up dog owners to give you a wider berth. Doesn't solve the overall thing you were asking about but might help a bit with dog related issues.

ETA: 'Please can you help me to...' would work better for this as well.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

that's so cool, what? I'll definitely have to look that up, maybe try and make it a thing in my neighborhood 👀 it would definitely be helpful, as there are dogs in over half the houses in my neighborhood

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