Asklemmy

“I’ve raised enough kids, I’m not raising grandkids too”

And that’s the story of how I never had a relationship with my grandparents

When they didn't get a hug first, we'd get "What am I, chopped liver."

The good old days weren't always so good

My grandmother would describe the phenomenon of raining while the sun is shining as The Devil beating his wife.

The same one I'm still using today: "Kill all Nazis."

Everytime my Nana would send an email or leave a voicemail, she would sign off "Ciao for now!"

Not good luck, good management. Luck is not a strategy.

Talking about making plans and thinking ahead.

"... So I said, 'I do too know how to dig a hole! I say [racial slur], dig me hole!', Hahahaha!!!"

I learned more than I wanted to as a kid...

"Because God loves Ireland!" after any question they might no tknow the answer for

Whenever my Grandfather, a WWII combat veteran, saw something he didn't approve of: "The things you see when they don't let you carry a gun any more...".

My other Grandfather didn't really have any funny phrases, but my Nana when she didn't approve of something would just use the "Well, that's a how modern people do things I suppose". It was really the only complaint she'd make, the only time I ever saw her lose her temper with someone was the day I got into a traffic accident and she had to be physically restrained from going after the driver for hurting her grandchild hahaha (I was the passenger).

"Pull my finger."

My grandma, having to call for help but doesn’t know who of the many kids are around: hey, hey human who was named

Translation takes away from it.

"Things are the way they are."

Seriously.

Mz granddad used to say "Life is hard and unfair." whenever we complained about stupid shit.

Don't pass up the opportunity to have sex or take a shit: you'll always regret it.

My grandfather was always "fair to middlin'"

"Putang ina." ("Son of a whore")

They said this charming Filipino phrase whenever I did something stupid. So, often enough to count as a catchphrase.

Take me out back and shoot me.

"Save every five minutes and never buy Packard Bell."

Not a catch phrase, but one day my grandfather showed up at the house unannounced asking me to bury his pet cat that had recently died in my back yard.

Whenever we got a minor injury like on our knee, he would tell us "I can hurt the other one so you can't tell which hurts more"

When we would go fishing, he always ended up sitting on a "barking spider"

The one I borrowed from him to great effect is "beer has water in it" whenever he was told to drink water

In like Flynn.

What does that even mean?

I was raised by my grandparents.

My grandfather was the cook most of the time, and he was always trying new recipies he found online: in years, I don't think I ever saw him cook the same meal twice.

Everytime he'd taste something new, he'd enthusiastically comment "it's different than usual!" (Rough translation from French "ça fait changment!")

To this day, I have no idea how good or how bad he thought any of those dishes were.

It probably doesn't translate very well. But my grandfather always said something like "If you don't behave I'll put your head between your two ears" and us kids would always giggle and say that it was already the case. I also often use that phrase now.

“[Life is] only once around. Travel while you’re young.” -Grandma Violet

My gram used to quote MAD Magazine and Cracked with me all the time so that was pretty amazing. <3