this post was submitted on 19 May 2024

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Does anyone else ever just realize that you're not even sure why you want a relationship at all? (self.chat)

submitted 6 months ago by Sombyr to c/[email protected]

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As I've gained more and more close friends, more than I've ever had in my life, and some closer than I've ever had in my life, I've come to realize something recently. Despite the prevailing feeling like I want a relationship, I don't actually know why it is I want one, nor what I have to gain from one.

Many of my friends nowadays are in fact either people who have rejected me romantically, or are exs that things just didn't work out with but we found we made better friends. And that's been the case with getting rejected too. I just end up enjoying the friendship so much, and getting so much out of it, that I just start to wonder why I ever wanted anything more than that. And what even is more than that?

Maybe everybody else has already realized this by my age, and my sheltered religious upbringing has just held me back a few years again, but I've started seriously considering, with every new crush, if they'd actually be any better for me as a partner instead of just a friend, and I've found that the answer, thus far, has always been no.

I guess the only thing that still has me wondering is, well, what does a romantic relationship offer that friendship doesn't? My friends already love me, and tell me all the time. They already care for me in ways I used to think only a partner would, and I do my best to care for them too. I still desire a romantic relationship for some reason, but I just can't see what there is to gain anymore.

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

So I see where you're coming from. If your group of friends can collectively address all your needs, you would really feel like you don't need a romantic partner. And maybe you don't, which is perfectly fine.

I don't know where you are in your life. Personally, I'm in my 30s, and I've had close friends that have come and go. I grew up with making and losing friends constantly like any kid who had a military parent. All of this is to provide a bit perspective for when I say that (at least in my experience) friends don't stay. There isn't a reason for them to put you first in their lives. As they get more involved in new or existing relationships of their own, romantic or otherwise, there will be drifting and shifting of priorities. And unless you're really good at making friends, it gets harder to make friends as you get older.

A romantic partner is supposed to put you first on that list of social priorities and for a very long time. And it's that feeling of counting on someone to be there for you when you need it that provides a sense of safety and comfort when your overall social network changes.

[–] Sombyr 4 points 6 months ago (2 children)

I can see that perspective, and maybe subconsciously it is that stability I'm looking for, especially because I've gone through 2 separate traumatic events that resulted in me losing every friend I had, the second, the only person who stayed with me was my ex, who I was dating at the time.

I guess though I kinda feel like I have achieved some level of stability even without a relationship. That ex I just mentioned is still a good friend, and he and his girlfriend talk constantly about trying to move closer to me, because at this point they both consider me more of family than just a friend.

And it's like that for most of my close friends. I've got some that come and go, but my tightknit inner circle seems here to stay at least, at least for a very long time. I can see the appeal of wanting somebody to be there for my entire life though. Granted, the only people I can think of that I want that out of are the friends I already have, but on account of the fact that my friend group is practically composed purely of exs and people who've rejected me romantically already, it seems I'll have to look elsewhere. Although that's kind of a sad prospect to me, that I don't get to choose any of them to stay by my side forever.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 6 months ago (1 children)

If you feel safe and stable now, then keep doing what you're doing. There's no shame in just living the life you enjoy. And I hope you didn't need to feel like you have to defend your lifestyle and relationships to me.

I just wanted to come from angle where my perspective is both from a potentially different upbringing and life experience and what having a romantic partner means to me.

All anyone should want for another person is for them to be happy.

[–] Sombyr 1 points 6 months ago

Ah, don't worry, I wasn't trying to defend myself. More trying to understand my own feelings via comparison. Because I know that for some reason I do still want and enjoy romantic relationships, but I don't know why, since I get so much from my friends. It makes it difficult to know when somebody would be a good romantic partner for me because I don't know what I want from them in the first place, as evidence by the fact that all my exs have ended up making better friends for me than partners.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

People change and get into different places over time, there is no reason you couldn't revisit some ex or friend at some future point in time if you feel comfortable with them.

Anyway, you shouldn't think of a relationship as keeping someone to stay forever. It might happen, or it might not, you can't predict the future. Pick a relationship if you think you can grow together at a given point in time, but remember that growing apart is also a possibility.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 months ago

As far as I've gathered, relationships are great for:

Naked cuddling
Deeper interdependence
Guaranteed emergency contact

If you can get that without commiting to a relationship, then you probably don't need one, but usually it's easier to say "this is my SO" than start picking which friend might help you in each case.

[–] [email protected] 8 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (1 children)

People get into relationships for sexual reasons, no?

And then they get tired of eachother. Ive realized that some people don't like the person they are with very much. It's just too much work to switch them out, and you lose other things you want (like children, the house, money etc) if you break up with them. And you have to find someone new, which is very difficult today for a lot of people.

I wonder if even most people are slightly unhappy with their partner and they don't feel emotionally connected.

So I don't think it's wrong to skip all that and focus on great friends. But friends often get into relationships and you lose out on the friendship when that happens.

[–] Sombyr 4 points 6 months ago (2 children)

As far as sexual reasons go, I don't really need that myself. I'm not exactly asexual, I'm sexually attracted to people, I just find it's easy enough to take care of that need without a partner.

Losing friends to relationships though, I haven't ever had that happen. I just become friends with their partner too and absorb them into my friend group.

Although I found out that way through some of them that apparently I give off a really intimidating aura. Apparently I give off the vibes of "the popular girl who refuses to associate herself with the peasants" as somebody said. They tend to be pretty shocked I had any interest in being friends with them at all.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago (1 children)

This may or may not be the case, as people's experiences rarely map neatly on top of each other, but usually when I perceive others as being too cool to associate with "the peasants", it's usually more of an insecurity on my side than an aura of elitism from the person in question. In my mind, the thought is "they're too cool to hang out with me", not "they think they're hot shit".

[–] Sombyr 5 points 6 months ago

I think it's a bit of both in my case. I have a lot of popular friends, and that happens to turn a lot of heads my way and make some people insecure around me, but I also act unintentionally rude quite often, which I've been making an effort to fix, and I've been told by some people that it does make me look stuck up until people get to know me and realize I'm not rude, just very autistic.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago (1 children)

Yeah I know what you mean. There is a certain kind of girl that gives off that vibe. I've often wondered if it's intentional or not.

But if you are that kind, you have to put in extra effort to make friends. My girlfriend has "resting bitch face" as she calls it. When she looks serious, she looks a bit angry. It also turns people off until she starts to talk to them.

[–] Sombyr 3 points 6 months ago

I do have that resting bitch face (if you can see my profile picture, that's evidence enough.) I also have a habit of being unintentionally rude on account of autism. It causes most people who interact with me to really quickly turn away because I give off the vibe that I don't wanna be around them, even when I am enjoying their company. I end up being unintentionally popular anyway though because most of my friends are very popular, on account of them being so social even my unintentional rudeness couldn't turn them away. And naturally having a lot of popular friends turns heads in my direction as well.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago) (2 children)

I'm aromantic so I have pretty clear reasons why I want a relationship.

A partner in crime so to speak; someone who has my back always. Morally, emotionally, physically, etc. I can't do everything on my own and having a person who is always available and willing to help close to me is important.
Cuddles
Sex

What the hell even is romance?

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago* (last edited 6 months ago)

Romance is basically your first point, when done with someone you like and are willing to offer them the same in return 😉

[–] Sombyr 2 points 6 months ago

I'm beginning to wonder what romance is as well, after gaining close friends, especially one very close friend, who considers everything I once considered romantic to be just friendly interaction. That was kinda the catalyst for me to start wondering what it is a relationship can even offer me if I can have friends like this anyway.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 6 months ago

I get that. I was in a different situation than you, but I got the same question. For me, I think it would be the need for affection, but in a way that it would be kinda awkward for a friend to provide (and that I don't get from my friends at all).

If one can do without this, then cool.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 6 months ago

Well yeah, but mostly due to lacking any chance and I'm a shut-in (who probably has SzPD). Also time has already made a fool of me.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 6 months ago

The only reason for a traditional relationship over a friend's relationship is friends with benefits. And if you can get somebody who agrees with that, then there's no problem.