Coconut water!!!!!!
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Cranberry juice. It has antioxidants!
Decaf tea. Though that's just water with a sprinkle of leaves. Not so different from a twist of lemon or a slice of cucumber.
Oolong tea
lacroix boiii
Go big or go home, I say. Pappy Van Winkle for the rest of my days.
Coca Cola. I love it, but I try not to drink it too much. A nice iced can of Coke every now and then.
Birch sap is my first thought, but I might get tired of the sweet. Some kind of tea then, maybe rooibos. It's sweet of savoury as the occasion demands.
Cactus cooler.
It's an orange pineapple carbonated beverage that if you can find is such a happy experience.
It has to be refreshing, not too sweet. Because you'd need to drink a lot every day to stay alive, off the top of my head rice water sounds like an ideal drink, I love the flavor and it has less sugar than horchata, you don't want to have to stuff yourself with sugar every day when you're thirsty.
Another possibility is hibiscus water. Again - if I could regulate the sugar levels it would be a way to go.
The most water-like thing I am allowed by your very contrived rules. Maybe water with two slices of cucumber.
See username :) So much variety even though it's all the same tea plant
The only thing that is more water than water, Cors light. But now, really I'd prefer to drink my own piss, since coincidentally enough, Cors Light is also one of the few liquid that is piss than piss.
Barley Tea. Sure it has water, but what drink doesn't? (Also I feel like my days would be heavily numbered if I don't drink any water for the rest of my life.)
Mtn Dew Baja Blast. And it's not even a contest.