chat

good ideas from comrades RE particular job opportunities, but i'd just like to broaden the scope of advice: you're facing a thorny problem that requires a holistic solution. if it were as easy as going down to the temp agency, or the union hall, you'd have done it by now. the fact is, you've made it this far on this path, because you've become incredible at avoiding and protecting yourself from psychic distress. but any move from here will be highly distressing; you need to build up the capacity to endure this.

• you need to see a therapist. if you make excuses here, you're frankly not ready to be serious (i have every confidence you can dig yourself out of this hole, but have little confidence you can do so without seeing someone). you need someone whom you can develop a relationship with; whom you can confide your pain and anxiety; who can help keep you accountable; who can teach you how to show yourself/your past self grace; who can provide you w/ healthy techniques for dealing with psychic pain /anxiety when it arises; who can put you in contact with a prescriber in case you'd benefit from pharmacological intervention.

• walking is good. add more intense cardio or weight lifting: this will alleviate psychic pain; make you stronger; give you more confidence; provide a template by which you can see yourself struggle and then arrive at progress and improvement, which you can take into other facets of your life.

• take some classes, online, or better, at a local community college, that are related to your interests and past education. this will strengthen these skills, which have atrophied, and will put you in contact with people related to your field and interest. and, importantly, it will give you something to say -- if you're not working or learning, every interaction is a potential site of humiliation, as you may be asked, what do you? but if you're taking classes, you will be able to say that you are, and you can talk about your interests in those areas.

• volunteer and/or take a low-commitment part time job. volunteering is as good as everyone has described it; you will feel useful and good. and a part time shit job is just fine -- it's part time, it's not the totality of your identity-- and there's a dignity in working and getting a paycheck, even for doing shit.

• frankly, i really like the idea of going out for agricultural /seasonal work. it will get you out of the fucking house and get you some fresh air, you'll meet people, and costs will be low, you can bring interesting books for the evening and will have the opportunity to see and develop different aspects of yourself.

• journal, or do mindful practices, or meditate. too much scrolling, too many screens, you need to practice sitting only with yourself, if only starting at a little a day.

as you engage in the above, you can develop goals /ambitions, about what larger projects you want to pursue. you surely have a lot to give, but you need to put yourself in a position where you can give it. rooting for you bro.

~~

I'll still be miserable with a job, just a different kind of miserable

there's truth in this, as when Morrissey sings, I was looking for a job and then I found a job, and heaven knows I'm miserable now. and yet, i can assure you, as someone who once felt very much like you do now, you'll feel so much better and stronger on the other side.