this was originally supposed to be only two paragraphs, but it uh… expanded. but i feel like screaming into the void, so here goes.

wow. great timing. i was recently constructively terminated after over a decade in a 'flat hierarchy' company under very similar circumstances.

thanks to financialisation and an upcoming IPO: they started aggressively bullshitifying our day-to-day to fit investor expectations; 1:1 copy-pasting procedures and org charts from places like Amazon and Google without interrogating why they work like that. more than 2/3 of our job was now time estimation and timekeeping, and all of the engineering and maintenance work i was previously doing was outsourced, and instead i was being very obviously tricked into doing feature work on things literally no customer wanted, but which we needed to have because 'all the big players are doing it'. (this eventually included third-party '"AI"' — to replace already existing solutions to already solved problems, just so we could say we were doing it as if customers can somehow verify that or fucking care — my ethical reservations to which were a contributing factor to my demise.) for the first time ever, my performance reviews were poor because i was out of my element and completely disinterested and disengaged.

this after they internally promoted a coworker to be our 'lead', while maintaining the 'flat hierarchy' claim (under the usual 'we're a family' toxic rhetoric, but also 'we don't do hierarchies in this country').

a coworker who consistently gave me glowing performance reviews, but then reported to the C-suite that i was a 'culture issue' and that i lacked clear communication — coming from a person who never checked Slack or email and who regularly misread messages or shut down conversations around process to protect their ego, to a person who had sent over 70% of Slack messages in our team channel and who wrote almost all of the documentation and was treated like the office mom/secretary. (i had male coworkers regularly pressure me into writing their emails for them…)

a coworker who went on to sabotage all of our existing procedures which i had primarily designed and implemented because it didn't align with the vibes-based, top-down advice in the one-week managment seminars they were being sent on. granted, they didn't need much help with that: getting anyone to improve anything at that company was like herding cats if you weren't at least one step up on the org chart.

after years of burnout and postcovid malaise, months of medication shortages and being pestered about sixteen different things at once and only two of those things really being even remotely actionable, and once again being told i don't communicate enough: i went off. i demanded proof of my communication problems, and had receipts to knock down every example they had off the top of their head — some of which had been resolved years ago, but they conveniently forgot that, and i had to show them receipts also of when we already talked about those incidents. i responded on the spot with receipts of every time their own incompetence led to downtime or failed projects. in the end, they made it clear that it wasn't my communication that was poor, it was how i communicated — unemotional, clear, to-the-point — and (A) how i didn't clean their shoes, (B) how i didn't participate in the office plaguerat games, (C) how i didn't work overtime, and (D) how i didn't respond to every single message or request for 'a quick call' immediately no matter the time of day and with a resounding and positive 'yes, sure'. i was even told i don't use enough emoji. i repeated what i was seeing back to them, and their response was to sigh deeply, say it's 'not personal', deny my observations by saying it's 'just' about my 'communication problems', and then end the meeting early. surprisingly, no consequences for at least another quarter.

i had two more meltdowns after they got more and more aggressive, saying i should more actively solicit feedback on my work; work that was my sole domain. they started micromanaging and impulsively videocalling me to demand status reports. then issues started to pile up because task requirements were being filled incorrectly (by my manager), leading to incorrect work, which i was then blamed for for 'not asking' — as if i should always automatically assume that every task i'm given is incorrect and needs more clarification than 'is everything you wrote here accurate?' and confirming the usual bottom-up troubleshooting steps were done, or that i should just know precognitively what will go wrong in troubleshooting/implementation and what questions to ask before starting a task.

finally, the RTO order came, with a bonus PIP and a change of roles to put me physically next to my manager. because i love being hypersurveilled while trying to work. they refused my accommodations, telling me that i had 'lied' to them about my work, and that it was a 'privilege' that they would now revoke that i was allowed to work remote or skip unactionable, unnecessary meetings or have uninterrupted times of the day to focus. i also wouldn't be allowed headphones or music, and i would have to log what i did every day down to 5 minute intervals with doctor's notes for appointments, and my login, lunch, logout and appointment times would need to be preapproved (meaning: no more flex time to take care of myself, or my sick family member, who would now be left alone without care). my (now former) union said this is an 'internal dispute' and wouldn't help me. this was illegal on several levels, but i already pay an extremely high ADHD tax and i was too tired and overwhelmed to deal with any of this, so i dropped the receipts of my manager's fuckups to HR (which made the company more upset with me), along with my resignation.

i'm now effectively blacklisted in my industry in my area, because my current country operates almost entirely off nepotism hires, and word gets around. i want to switch careers, but to get work placement support, they want me to commit to going back, and i've told, kindly and not so kindly, 'no'.

the thought of interviewing (again) makes me feel physically sick, and every fibre of my being fucking hates the lying and manipulative games you have to play to get a job. getting ghosted by 200+ companies only for the one responsive employer to ghost-reject you really sets off an emotional spiral. i hate having to upsell myself. i hate that i can't answer 'why do you want this job' with 'because i like to eat'.

i'm trying to get trauma and ADHD treatment, but i used one too many big words so the psychologist told me i'm 'smart enough' to 'just handle it'. this set off another meltdown that put me out of commission for over a week, particularly because it reminded me of something my parents and teachers used to say to me all the time: 'you're so god damn smart, so why do you have to be so fucking stupid?'

something something i want to break an ablebodied neurotypical's kneecaps and destroy capitalism. i don't know how to end this comment.