this post was submitted on 31 Jul 2024
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I'll give you the incredibly brief version.
When I was seven my mom kidnapped me.
I managed to get a hold of my dad 6 years later, but nothing bad ever happened to her because of it.
Following that, my mom and stepdad essentially locked me in my room from the time I was 16 until I graduated high school about 2 months after I turned 17.
I was the valedictorian, a year ahead of my class. Kind of neat huh?
Only, my stepdad would occasionally come in and just attack me. I was punished for not doing enough school work by being forced out of my bed at 6:00 in the morning to go and dig up stumps in the backyard or to pick up a 40 to 120 lb Rock and carry it from one corner of the yard to the other corner of the yard where there was a pile of rocks, pick up a different rock out of that pile carry it to the third pile and then back and forth over and over and over until sundown.
Then I would come in, be fed, and then have to do more school work.
I lost all of my friends. I lost all of my self esteem. The day after I graduated, I left with my dad, who was not aware of this because my mom lied to him about it.
I was pretty wrecked and my dad didn't know how to cope with that so he gave me a truck and sent me back after about 5 or 6 months, and not having anywhere else to go I moved back in with my mom.
Literally a month later my stepdad tried to pull some shit and told me if I didn't go to work when they were leaving that I should pack up my stuff and not be there when they get back, so I packed up my stuff end of the truck my dad gave me and left.
I was homeless for about 2 years couch surfing with friends and trying to get my shit together and I was reaching out to God for help.
And on the first real date of my life I went out with this girl, we saw a movie, we got high we came back to my room at my friend's house and had sex.
And it was not very good all the way around, but then after I took her home and dropped her off it was like the scales fell off of my eyes, a bolt of lightning came down from the heavens and struck me hard in the heart, and I became aware of all of the sins I had committed in my life. All of my failings. All the things that were wrong with me.
And I was so broken I couldn't even cry, honestly I may have actually cried once or twice since then.
I was devastated.
And it's like, all the things that I thought I would be when I grew up went away. I could deal with the shit my mom and my stepdad pulled and I could deal with not being understood because I had a destiny and I had a dream and I was going to make it, and then I found out I was just a piece of shit, a crappy worthless human being whom, if I had never been born, the world would be a better place.
And there's a lot I'm leaving out but yeah, from that I started trying to rehabilitate myself. I've gone from being a worthless piece of shit to being useful fertilizer I guess.
I still have a long way to go and I don't know if I'll make it.
I am very sorry to hear that happened to you.
Nazi concentration camp guards used to torture prisoners by doing this to them. Many of those subjected to this committed suicide by running into the electric fences or charging the armed guards.
I clearly remember there was one time when I had a pickaxe in my hand and I was digging up a tree stump for punishment over something and I asked my stepdad if I could get the pickaxe sharpened to make my job easier and he said no.
And then he turned and walked away and clear as a flash of lightning I knew in that one moment that all I had to do was use this inordinate amount of strength that I had and take that pickaxe and drive it through his skull and this current misery that I am in would end.
And I'm glad that I didn't do it, but sometimes when I'm perseverating I think about that moment.
Have you done therapy about this?
You are worthy of love, of being loved, and with help youβll make it.
Thatβs a lot to have been put through. But youβre still here so that counts, in really huge ways.
Start here: HAVOCA β Help for Adult Victims Of Child Abuse. βEvery Survivor has the right to become a Thriver.β
Isn't it fucked up how much life can crush you when you have absolutely zero agency you can flex. Have you heard about Open Path yet? Cause you can give it a look and see if you vibe with anyone. You might be able to find someone that can assist you on your journey of healing. There's also some kind of really solid freebie group therapy system online. But I absolutely do not have the name. Someone else might. It's like a series of groups you can grow including domestic violence and complex ptsd. The only thing I want to say is be careful around substances, because it's really easy to fall into them but you never fall out even if you step back from them. And the way street drugs are nowadays you're never getting what you think you are. Also, I don't know what gender or age you are specifically - but I do know that a lot of young hurt men can be at higher risk for self harm. So if you notice anything creeping into your system, try your best to reach out for help. Even if you don't say it, just crowd your time with others and it'll pass. Either way, what I did with the things I strongly disagreed with between my folks was I just attempted (and still do) to do the opposite of the thing I disliked. Step-parents can be real pieces of shit, because what skin do they have in the game? At least, if they don't want to. You're just free-labor. I watched my younger sibling become that to a certain someone in my life, and to this day I don't know how a grown ass adult can be so stupid to lord over a kid like that.
Just try and stay strong, utilize any services you can - no shame. Break down big goals into smaller achievable actions. And if you are disabled in any sort of way, know there's also services that can assist you through getting...assistance =P! Also no shame in temp agencies, if you have the means to get around. Lastly, all things can be replaced or live on in your head. But you cannot be replaced. So no matter what you lose, it's all just stuff. I've lost so much crap over the span of my life. I don't care anymore. I pack light, live light - and actually feel wealthier for it - because I can move at the drop of a dime if I want and I don't feel bogged down by THINGS! Which is a blessing in these modern times. Sometimes I get sad about some of the things I've lost. But I made a conscious decision to keep a small assembly of things that are meaningful to me that I can slide into a backpack and don't take up too much space. And you might want to put something together like that too. Because it's really nice to go back and see decades of stuff from people I love who may or may not exist anymore or little magpie things from events.
Oh, one last thing. Backsliding hurts, but as long as you keep going you can make it through. But also make sure you do nice things to restore your energy cause it fucking sucks to get dragged for so long only to get dragged again. It makes you want to give up and sink. But it's worth the fight, trust. And if you're younger than thirty - things get so much better in your thirties. Idk? Because I sure as shit am not in that much a different space than in my twenties. But I for sure feel better as a whole. Even though my body is in a constant battle to crush me. Which, btw - please address your pain as best as you can because this shit will kill you one way or another and I don't think I would ever be as sick as I was had I not been picking up stress without putting other bits down. So GL, GJ - You got this! Keep going!
*p.s. - Moms don't get in trouble for kidnapping I don't think. But also I heard that most amber alerts are due to a parent kidnapping their own kid most times. But all kidnapping situations are totally shit - and I wish they didn't exist on the real.
I'm not who you were talking to, but thank you for this comment. You're so very kind and it's beautiful. You've helped me and I appreciate you so much. You totally rock! π
Zoop <3~!! I am just passing on the love given to me by many kind folk. Big love =)~
@bizarroland @cashmaggot Hey, I don't know what this will mean to you coming from a complete stranger. You've clearly never had a mom, though, or a dad, so let me share with you what they never did.
You are not your past. You are not your things. You are not your circumstances. The only person you are destined to become is the person you decide to be.
Those experiences don't have to define you. No one else is allowed to tell you what your worth is or who you'll be. The person you were yesterday is dead, and the person you are tomorrow doesn't exist. There is only today, there is only ever today. So somewhere inside of you, I want you to think really hard about who that person is, who you are. If you don't like what you see, that's okay. I think we've all been there. What's important is that you decide what matters to you, what your values are, what your worth is, who you're going to be, and then you live it. It takes time and practice, but what doesn't? Who was born knowing how to ride a bike, or swim, or count to a million, or anything else? Just work on it, every single day, and you'll make it.
Big love, you love bug <3!!!
I ended up restoring my relationship with one of my parents, which has been nice because I'm a goober and I love a good phone call. And while I've put a buhjillion miles between my birthplace and my current spot - I do like talking with those I reconnected with. But also, my partner lacks a family. Which makes us substantially weaker as a whole against the support network of others. Which is rough, to be honest. But she always says we're like monkeys helping one another up the tree. And to be perfectly honest I love her to death, even if she drives me batty-bonkers.
I agree with you though. Although I will say I am a heavy reminiscer, and have battled this mental math of existence only being this moment (be here now). But I sometimes think of it as a super power, because I can recall things that most forget and can give play by plays. And while I know memories can be faulty, I like that there's some part of my brain that likes to record things. Because it makes for great fodder for better or worse with creative endeavors =P!
Big hugs, big love! Keep sharing the good stuff and keeping people afloat!
I imagine you are hard on yourself all the time. The people who should've been there for you unconditionally taught you that you're never good enough.
I'm convinced we are all fundamentally equal because of our soul, so trying to prove yourself is sort of a silly excercise.
What you mentioned about scales falling off reminded me of mindfulness. You wake up and you go like wtf am I doing?