this post was submitted on 09 Aug 2023
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Asklemmy
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He didn't want to be with someone clingy but framed it as codependency, when in reality I was going through an anxious attachment phase because I didn't want to fuck it up. My incessant worrying was to blame but his lack of empathy made it worse. In the end I think I dodged a bullet because he was a functional alcoholic.
The number one thing I've heard from avoidant people is that perfectly human emotions, albeit perhaps unfitting for the situation, are "clingy" or "too much." They don't know how to ask for things like space and own their own needs. It's much easier to instead blame their inner turmoil and resistance on the relationship by singling out that one thing they think is wrong with it. That way they don't have to be vulnerable and admit they're imperfect too. I'm sure you might know all of this anyway, but just a reminder that it's okay and healthy to be a lil clingy and worried. Not your fault.
Thank you! Those are some very kind and validating words. ๐
Just curious, do you think your attachment anxiety was the result of how a prior relationship(s) ended? Because I suffer from it a bit now and I'm pretty sure that is a fairly big reason.
Definitely! I had such a streak of bad dates and relationships that I felt so traumatized. It made me so nervous while dating him that I was literally shaking when I felt that things weren't going right.
Funnily enough, two years later, now I feel the opposite. I don't really care about dating and I feel like I'd be the one detached. I just can't be bothered with giving so much for getting nothing in return anymore.
Well, you know they say, "The minute you stop looking...". Wish you the best of luck whether single or otherwise!