this post was submitted on 24 Aug 2023
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In such a scenario perception is important.
If I say something that makes you sad, it doesn’t matter that I didn’t mean to make you sad, I still hurt you.
It does matter though. I'd much rather hang with someone who unintentionally said something that hurt my feelings than one who intended to do so. Even if their behaviour is perceived as being good but on the inside they're full of shit then I still want nothing to do with them - I probably just don't know.
Yeah see I don't think either is unimportant or more important than another.
I've had people like you describe in my life, it's not fun to find out that people you thought you get along really well with actually can't stand you. Conversely, I also don't want anyone in my life that treats me like crap even though they don't intend to do so. Obviously there's a nuance, if someone says something off to me once, or does something that hurts me once that's something you can work through.
I've friends that are chronically bad at keeping times, and frequently turn up late when we plan things. I stop hanging out with them because when we talk about it and I express that keeping time is something I find very important, and they keep being late over and over again despite saying that they'll do better, I feel like my time and feelings on the matter are unimportant to them. They might not intend to waste 5 hours of my time every time we make plans, but eventually I'm bound to get fed up, no?
Well yeah obviously both are important. Ideally you have good intentions which leads one to act in a way that is perceived as good too.
However my point is that intentions is what tells more about what you're like as a person. An autist may be socially akward and they might act in a way an asshole would too but if you know they don't intend to treat you badly then you also wont judge them the same as someone who does it with the purpose to hurt you. You might still not want to be with them because it's emotionally taxing but you shouldn't think of them as an evil person.
If a someone bumps into you on the street by accident and you spill your coffee the end result is exactly the same as when someone does that intentionally but the intentions matter here a lot.
Perception is everything in communication. But of course you can further communicate your intention (via their perception) if you missed the mark.
Sometimes you can. There have been numerous times when someone misunderstood something I had said, became offended, and then refused to even consider the possibility that I didn't mean what they thought I said. I've even had people accuse me of doubling down on what they thought I meant when I tried to explain what I actually meant.