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The original was posted on /r/AmItheAsshole by /u/inahurryaita on 2023-06-27 20:07:14+00:00.
My husband (39M) and I (36F) have been married for 12 years and have 3 kids (11, 9, & 6). My husband is a corporate executive and the main breadwinner in our family. I work part-time (about 25-30hrs/week) during the school year, but during the summer I am a SAHM for our kids to cut down on childcare costs.
Last week my mom called to let me know that my grandparents (both in their 90s) had been in a car accident and that while both were still alive, they were both in rough shape. She told me that if I wanted to see and talk to them again, it would probably be best that I get there as soon as possible just in case.
I immediately told my husband what happened and started looking at flights. I found a redeye for that night and started packing. While I was stuffing clothes into a bag, my husband asked me what we were going to do with the kids. I told him that he's going to have to figure it out because I'm obviously not taking them with me.
He started to talk about work commitments he has and kept asking questions about how long I'll be gone and if I had any suggestions about someone to help with the kids. I snapped at him that he's going to have to figure that out on his own and that I don't know how long I will be gone, but I'll try to let him know as soon as I can.
I've been with my parents and grandparents for 6 days now, my grandpa is recovering, but my grandma has been in and out of consciousness and will still require more surgery. My husband has been practically begging me to come home because he has had to miss a few days of work due to not being able to find childcare. But until I know my grandma is going to be ok, I don't want to leave.
Last night after video chatting with my kids, my husband said he needed to talk to me. He told me that no one has been able to help with the kids and he needs an answer for when I'm coming home so that he can at least give his job a timeframe. He said he understands why I want to stay, but the open-ended thing isn't working for him and his job and I need to respect the fact that his job is our only income right now and if he needs to take an extended leave, I need to let him know ASAP.
I told him he needs to respect the fact that my grandmother could die at any moment and until I know she's going to be ok, I'm not leaving. I told him there are more important things in life than work and if his job doesn't understand that, then maybe it's not the right place for him.
He told me that he's tried to be as sympathetic and understanding as possible, but it's been almost a week and he's mad at me for leaving without trying to help make any arrangements for the kids and for not giving him any timeline at all for my return. He told me he's sorry about my grandparents, but that doesn't mean I get to neglect my commitments at home. He's also mad that I said anything about his career because "It's what allows us to live the way we do."
You’re not the asshole here. He’s lacking empathy and sympathy with your situation. His line of questioning should be more steered towards “what do you need?” “How can I assist you” instead of “you are inconveniencing me”. Sorry you are dealing with this and I hope you stick to your guns and stay with your grandparents until they are ok.
What? He's being incredibly understanding and is just trying to have a practical conversation (after a week) about how to handle parenting.
They're both fools for not having a backup childcare plan in place, but he seems to have approached it with a problem solving attitude, versus what you're implying is an entitled/selfish approach.
Also, you have no idea what else he is saying, the OP only relates their conversation relating to childcare, and the things you're saying he should say aren't related to that at all.