this post was submitted on 04 Oct 2023
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I'm not at all trying to say that I don't think that's reasonable. I'm complaining that I don't feel like I have an influence on the matter.
Sometimes, you accidentally say something with a double meaning that can be interpreted sexually and it's the girl who points that out and then assumes you're thinking perverted things, because she's been told anyone with a penis does that all the time.
I am annoyed by that, because I'm a big fan of girls and don't want to convey that they're just meat to entertain my sexuality. If you're reading me as a tone-deaf pervert, that will not make sense.
From the other side, for a lot of women don't just hear that people do that (though there are many firsthand accounts), they experience it. Even if you don't mean anything by it, they've likely been the victim of enough purposefully suggestive comments that they're sensitive to it. It's not really your fault, but it's not theirs, either.
Out of curiosity, do you have some examples of misconstrued phrases?
Oh yeah, for sure. I hate all the slimy idiots that can't speak with a woman without perverted comments and everyone who defends them.
I did have a specific example in mind when I wrote the above, but it happened in German, so the double meaning won't make quite as much sense:
I was working with a lady colleague on wrapping articles and whenever we had completed one, we placed it into a larger carton for shipping. Each of us had our own larger carton that we filled.
Well, and one time, I went to put my article away, but got shortly confused and then exclaimed "Oh, now I just wanted to shove it into yours.".
And then, yeah, she asked, if I'm aware what I just said, and I replied that I am, but I only noticed after I had said it. Enqueue awkward silence.
So, there was no actual problem. She was no fan of me having said that, but she understood that this happens and knew me already well enough that I was honest about it.
I just thought about it afterwards and realized that I didn't even actually desire traditional, penetrative sex with her.
I do think sexuality in general is cool, as in two consenting adults making each other feel good. And she is gorgeous. She often talked about how she visited the gym and worked on her body and one time admitted that she felt self-conscious about it.
So, there was a certain curiosity what her body looks like and I would have loved to tell her that she's a fucking dumbass for being self-conscious about it. And yeah, sure, some amount of instinctive sexual desire will be involved. I can't shut that part of my brain off completely.
But all of that is ignoring that I'm a fucking dumbass, too. I'm also self-conscious about my body. And I don't train, I actually have a reason to be self-conscious. As incumbent of the male gender role, I'm not supposed to, but that doesn't sit well with me.
I would need a lot of trust to believe that a girl actually wants to have sex with me, both because I don't find my body desirable and because I care about consent beyond yes or no. A girl enduring sex with me, just because she likes me in other ways, that sounds like the worst kind of hell for me.
But yeah, none of that mattered in that situation.