This is a bit of a vent because I don't feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that's ok.
I'm a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.
When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.
I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is... I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.
And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.
Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like "oh, all girls are like that."
I'm super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that... Oh, shit, I'm bi.
And it just upsets me? Like I'm in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him in a couple of years. I don't have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.
And I don't feel comfortable "coming out". I have this vague guilt that I've lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I'd be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are "actually queer". I'm worried people won't believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.
In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I'll survive to my 30s).
But I just feel like I'm stuck being a straight woman, and it's just something about myself that I'll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I'm ashamed to tell anyone because I'm afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.
I’m also straight passing and feel uncomfortable telling people I’m bi, as tho I’m claiming oppression when I actually have privilege. But with supportive communities and friends, it doesn’t have to be like that.
I hope you find the courage to talk about it with some people you trust irl. There’s something very freeing about just treating it as another aspect of yourself and being around people who accept that. My long term partner is also bi and I’m the only person who knows, but I’m glad he felt comfortable telling me.
I've talked about it a bit with my boyfriend. It's just hard to talk about it. It's kind of a new realization for me even though I've known it in the back of my mind all along.
And I just can't help but feel stupid and small for it. Like, "What's the point? You're in a straight monogamous relationship. Why are you so attention seeking? Just move on with your life."
I think I'm the one who needs to accept myself, not other people, reading that last paragraph back to myself lol. I think I'm scared to be bi in a straight monogamous relationship.
Coming out isn't attention seeking - it's about living your truth. It's being able to freely and openly define yourself, regardless of the kind of relationship you're currently in or how you present yourself to the world.
Besides, the attention visibly queer and visibly trans people get, at least in my experience, is negative - who gets up in the morning seeking that? That argument is just a cop-out people use to demean queer and trans people who need to be out to feel whole & fulfilled. Don't internalize that language - that's how they keep us down.
From what I'm reading, it sounds like your spirit truly wants to be out about this part of your life - including grieving the opportunities you missed out on growing up. That's beautiful, and I think you need to listen to this hunger you feel to exist openly and without shame. That instinct is completely natural and should be nurtured - and only you know how to grow tend that feeling.
I have found, though, that leaning into righteous anger sometimes can be healing. I mean, you were robbed of living as your full self - that's fucked up! You have a RIGHT to take back what's yours. LOVE yourself, just as you are - DON'T let society colonize your mind. Bi people are queer; queer people are queer REGARDLESS of what relationship they're in, and queer people are BEAUTIFUL. Allow yourself to rage, to grieve; but as an adult, know YOU are in control now. Whatever you had to do to survive up to this point - embrace it, allow the pain that comes with it - then take an honest look at what you need to thrive NOW.
My younger sister is in the same position as you - she's actually married already. She's decided not to come out because she's scared of our parents...(our father is first gen, too). Even though my siblings and I are all in our mid to late 30s, she can't bring herself to do it. But she's not happy.
Life is too short to stay in the closet (making exceptions for safety and personal preference, of course - some people aren't interested in coming out, and that's fine). If nothing else, fight these demeaning thoughts for the younger you who wanted so desperately to come out and be embraced by others. You're beautiful, you're strong, you're still here - don't you ever forget it. I'm saying this as a fellow bi. You DESERVE to live your truth - don't give up on you!
You articulated this particular piece so well for me. I think I'm also struggling because I don't WANT to be queer. Between the mental health issues and the race and gender and and and I just... I didn't want to be bi on top of that. This isn't fun for me. I don't want one more thing my family is going to invalidate and judge me for. I didn't want to recognize my suffering on yet another thing.
But people (especially younger people) around me are getting more vocal and comfortable with their sexuality and I was watching Atypical where this teenager was discovering she was bi and I just hit this wall. I had to skip the scene because I couldn't bear to hear her say, "I'm bi." It just... Hurt. I both envied her and felt shame I wasn't her. But it wasn't the same 15 years ago when I grew up. (which just makes me feel stupid again. 15 years ago is bootycheeks compared to 50 years ago)
That's completely valid. When you're burnt out on bullshit, it's hard to take on more. Do you have the resources to connect with a therapist about this by any chance? This is the kind of deep-seated emotional pain that I find is better processed with someone else, especially a professional who can handle taking it on. I completely understand if that isn't something you want to do, but I feel like things get more complicated the more marginalizations you have.
I don't know you beyond this forum, but I do wish I could give you a big hug right now. The world can be such a shit place sometimes, but please know that your identity is 100% real and worth celebrating. You don't have to justify it. It just is. I wish your family and those around you could unconditionally support you - it is so awful when that doesn't happen. I've been there (in some ways). When I was growing up, never talked about this shit - ever. Coming out was just asking to be ostracized and abused.
That's why we have to love ourselves so unapologetically. We can't rely on others to do it, even though we should be able to. I see you and support you. You deserve to be loved for who you are - ALL of you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this.
Thank you so much. I feel your big hug and it's appreciated. I do have a therapist I see for my depression and ptsd. I will definitely talk about this with her.
Your empathy stretches beyond even the topic at hand. You hit the nail on the head when you say that suffering added on to existing suffering makes everything more complicated.
If I were mentally healthy right now I think I would process my sexual identity more easily. But for 3 years I've been struggling with annihilating depression.
Writing this is also a helpful reminder that I'm not in the best spot to figure it all out right now, and that I don't have to. I can sit with these somewhat complicated feelings for now and wait for when I'm healthier to open the box. At least I've acknowledged the box for now, instead of shoving it in the closet (har har).
Thank you again for your empathy and kindness. Really.
The more people who come out like this will show how common it is. From a pure numbers and odd percentage most bi people will end up in straight passing relationships. Almost all will be in at least once. So the more open people are about this the less alone they will all feel