exchristian

#CW: Bit of a religious trauma dump, religious C-PTSD triggers, depression, mentions of suicide

Hey all - this is going to be a pretty long post about my life and experience leaving the faith, just to get it out of my head to help me process what happened to me over the years. I come from a long line of evangelical Christians on both sides of my family. My dad was a pastor of some sort or other for the majority of my life, and to my knowledge still preaches occasionally to this day.

I've just come out of an evangelical college which was the most traumatic 4 years of my life, and have been working to heal the damage done to me there over the past year. Being treated like a prisoner there for 4 years wasn't good for my mental health, but I'm starting to get things turned around a little.

I kept the mask on - 8 years ago (2015), I started to have serious doubts. I started to learn more about the world around me, outer space specifically, and I learned just how much I was lied to over the course of my Abeka Book homeschooling. I had been in church every Sunday morning, evening, and Wednesday night, trusting every pastor that came up to speak - eager to learn and soak in everything they said. I used to be an honest to god zealot.

When that broke, so did I. It was my identity, it was my only connection to other people, to family. At that young age, I felt profound loneliness, disconnection, numbness, emptiness.

I had a girlfriend at the time. We'll call her Hailey. Hailey was abusive and emotionally manipulative. Extremely harsh, berating, just a really awful person at the time, though I can't speak for how she is now as I haven't had any contact with her since late 2016. We had started talking in 2013 after I had moved away, but I had known her since 2010. There was a specific time in 2013 that I remember waking up in the middle of the night, with the only thing I could think of being that family. I remember praying very hard, convinced this was a sign from god that they needed the support of prayer. The next morning I found out that one of her family members had run away from home that night - this coincidence fueled the fire of my faith for far too many years after.

Our breakup in 2016 sent me down a very dark spiral. I knew that it was for the best as I just mentally could not deal with her bs every single day. It was incredibly stressful - walking on eggshells every day. She had isolated me from every other friend I had, making me have no one besides her to make leaving difficult. But I left anyway. It was at this point I was also at my most zealous. A desperate attempt to feel comfort and control, to not feel alone in the midst of true loneliness.

For 6 months, I had no one. There were no kids at the church I attended. Only old people, because it was an old-style independent fundamental baptist church. For 6 months, the only communication I had with other people were near daily texts from her, about as long as this post, about how horrible of a person I was. Truthfully, I planned to kill myself in June of 2017, exactly a year after the breakup. It was too much for a kid to handle.

This was a turning point - I somehow managed to make some online friends through Twitch that helped me through my darkest times, and they've all stuck by my side to this day. I couldn't possibly be more thankful for each and every one of them.

I left the faith shortly after, around the start of 2017. But there was still the issue of family - I had to make a plan on how to handle the next 5 years of my life.

I chose the mask.

I pretended to be someone I wasn't, but someone who everyone else wanted me to be. I manipulated people into loving this character, someone who didn't even exist. I became popular and well respected by everyone - I even taught lessons and gave teaching advice to people that taught classes at church. I led a double life.

Going into college, I had to double down on it. Constant hypervigilance, always being on guard and in character, lest my only shot at a religion-free future crumble around me. Every teacher loved me. But I hated nearly every one of them. I made so many "friends" and was, again, respected and popular among my peers. But I hated nearly every one of them. I was surrounded by violent homophobia daily. Forced to sit in church services every day except Saturday. Forced to listen to their bigoted alt-right bile for 4 years to keep my only shot at a future in-tact.

But, I did it... and now I'm left picking up the pieces of the kid I left behind 6 years ago.

I'm somewhat optimistic looking forward. Things have been trending better after a year, but being alive is just a struggle. Enjoying my time on anything is just a struggle. Getting better, but a struggle nonetheless.

To anyone going through a similar life or heading to a similar point - it will get better, and you will be okay no matter how you choose to handle it. That being said... before you commit to playing a 5-year character, know that it will come with mental and emotional baggage at the end. For me, that baggage is the C-PTSD I picked up from college. Know that you will be set back 5 years of self-identity development. Weigh those risks, know the outcome, but stay strong. Be good to yourself during and after.