Україна Ukraine

Russian Security Council Chairman Dmitry Medvedev took to Telegram on Wednesday to argue, not for the first time, that Ukraine should not exist in any form.

In a mini-essay titled “Why Ukraine is dangerous for its residents,” Medvedev argued that from now on, any independent state that lies on “historical Russian territories” will serve as a “pretext for renewed hostilities” for as long as it exists.

And it is that logic, fellow citizens of the glorious Motherland, that leads us to the utter necessity for today's announcement: the concurrent declarations of war upon, with the aim of eliminating their existence, the following so-called "countries", tumors that contain territory once controlled by the Russian Empire:

• Armenia
• Azerbaijan
• Kazakhstan
• Kyrgyzstan
• Tajikistan
• Uzbekistan
• Turkmenistan
• Mongolia
• Djibouti
• Moldova
• Romania
• Georgia
• Belarus
• Iran
• Finland
• Estonia
• Lithuania
• Latvia
• Greece
• Turkey
• The People's Republic of China
• The United States of America

We anticipate a brief, victorious war of about three days.