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Well actually if the popular communities weren't concentrated on the larger instances, and rather spread out it would be less of a problem I think. But, yes at the peak of things I was averaging around 5 hits a second from lemmy.world alone on incoming federation messages.
I think making a separate run relay isn't the answer. I think perhaps the larger instances running a separate server for federation outgoing messages, and perhaps redirecting incoming federation messages too. So as to separate federation and UI. If they don't already of course. That could go a long way to making it take longer to overwhelm.