this post was submitted on 08 Feb 2024
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It's... torture. Its unfair. Honestly being told that by so many people is kind of why I gave up for such a long time. If I ever tried again at all. All that same 'reinforcement' and 'feedback' thrown this way and I just got so tired of hoping to not disappoint people that I gave up and just stopped trying. If I was going to disappoint them anyway I might as well do it without torturing myself in the process, right?
I'm glad you pushed through. It's difficult as hell and to do it on your own and keep pushing, especially here in Canada where mental health supports are severely lacking? I don't know you but I'm proud of you.
...but how do you keep yourself from torturing yourself for disappointing yourself?
Yeah, there's a part of me still believes I should be doing more. After my marriage failed it took a lot of feedback and journaling to accept that despite some human failings, I'm a good dad! My kids love being with me. I know them. I care for them, and I'm constantly getting better. (I ended up in subsidized housing, and there are a bunch of mums here that know what a shitty man looks like. They've done wonders for my self esteem.)
Absolutely. I definitely went through a decade after I went to university where fucking around was just a self-defense. You can't fail if you never really try. I smoked a tonne of pot. Somehow I still came out with a fairly respectable level of success. I think I've at some levels deliberately dated damaged women because having a dysfunctional relationship was 'easier' than letting someone down.