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I hate the painter with a passion. He was incredibly dumb and even he knew it. And it's not just "memory", it was precious youth time that is lost. I'll never be a highschooler again. I'm angry. I'd be happier if my past didn't exist
Well the past does not exist in any meaningful way, does it? Maybe the past painter was "stupid" (I would not express it in that way) but doesn't it mean that the present one is smarter?
I am not a doctor, professional psychologist or anything even remotely close. As far as I know, having strong (especially negative, such as shame or hate) feelings towards your (past) self can be a residue of a normal reaction to abnormal circumstances, otherwise known as psychological trauma.
It's worth knowing that psychological trauma is really common. When I say "common", I don't mean to diminish it -- quite opposite, psychological trauma can be pretty debilitating. What I mean is that many aspects of psychological trauma have been known and studied for a long time, and lot of methods have been developed to explore it and help people deal with it -- or even heal it. I suggest you try and find someone safe to talk to.
Trained therapists are excellent for this, because, well, they know lot of effective methods on how to help people speak, and second, they are normally from outside of our close circles, which is a surprisingly huge advantage. I've experienced this myself: as soon as I sat into that comfy chair, I've realized that this nice person was not ever going to judge me (she's probably heard sh*t i can't even imagine). Within first five minutes of conversation I've already noticed myself, how I put away a mask I didn't even know I was wearing. If only for this single realization, it was worth it.