Edit : I appreciate all the PoVs and I will reply to everyone. This is important to me. Just going to go rest a bit and I'll be back.
Edit : Leaving the self-insulting language in, but yeah.. Point taken, I should stop being so mean to myself. And to add another FYI, I've been on this codebase for about 3 months, which I probably should have mentioned.
I have no idea what is wrong with me. I get tasks, I work on them, they NEVER seem to close. Meanwhile everyone around me is left and right solving their issues. I reach out for a second opinion because I must just be stupid, and every time I reach out the person is never able to assist in any meaningful way.
It's like my tasks always have blockers that everyone around me seems perplexed by, I get a lot of, "Wow, that's crazy," or, "Yeah your job does seem to have a lot of unusual blockers."
I'm at the point where I'm in a daily meeting where I explain what I'm working on to a senior dev because obviously they noticed I'm a person on the team with sometimes zero points in a whole month. It's so discouraging to have to go to a daily meeting because apparently I'm stupid? The thing is, when I explain what I'm blocked by, every person has said, "Oh weird, this seems like a really confusing task." Or, "Damn I've never seen anything like that."
So obviously I look at other peoples' tasks.. what are they working on? And their tasks are SO simple and straightforward, yet I've NEVER had a task like that, all my tasks were opened years ago, remained open for months or years, then were assigned to me. And they're all fucky. Wth.
Tbh I'm running out of things to write because I don't want to justify it, because I feel like I should be doing better. What the hell is wrong with me?
I have wanted to change jobs for close to two years now.. but you've all interacted with recruiters.. they never help, and job search is impossible as a person with anxiety and possibly autism?
I love coding, I hate my coding environment.. Anyone else ever have this type of issue in programming?
Yeah, it's an anxiety / self-esteem thing I suspect. I'm working with medical outside of work, but I'm in a country with poor healthcare support and basically nil mental health support so we'll see how that goes. I already have a significant amount of medical debt from going to the doctor for a stress-related vision loss.. medical debt which I just ignore because I felt that a ten-thousand dollar bill for seeking medical help and getting tests was stupid so I refuse to pay or interact with the debt-collectors. For the record, the outcome of this 10k bill was, "Idk, doesn't make sense, you're discharged after we monitor you overnight."
Anyway, healthcare tangent aside, I am too hard on myself. Meditation is the main thing I've found that helps.
Your thoughts definitely help, new perspectives are invaluable. I just have my one.