this post was submitted on 14 Apr 2024
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Answer in Exactly 100 words
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Fuck, that's exactly when we started talking about our marriage (and I was already well accomplished in ignoring red flags), and that is exactly what I would like to reverse. Actually, I want to go back even further and spare us both the fate of meeting each other.
I'm sorry and I had thought that too. I'm my case, I also ignored red flags. I also ignored that I'd tried several times to end it, but listened to counsel of others who convinced me to tough it out and try to work on things. I thought man I'm killing it!
We had our first post marriage blow up in an uncomfortable loud shouting match at our fancy Maui luau.
"We can keep trying"
Even now, while we're trying to work out her plan to leave, and how to tell our 6 year old that we hope that just before his birthday the apartment will become available. The current estimate says 3 days before.
Imagine being 6, at a "party"surrounded by your friends, and how it will feel that your parents both want to be there, and also don't want to both be there when you get home.
But our current situation creates fights. Neither Mom or Dad are getting what they need from each other. I can't help but feel it's a selfish attitude and choice - but it also isn't
If only I'd been more selfish earlier I could've avoided it all
That sucks, man. I hate that kids grow up watching us be assholes to each other and internalizing that. My wife grew up in a macho alpha male house, where her father held absolute control by whatever means. Her mother always made excuses for her father, so my wife grew up glorifying that anger and outbursts (physical, verbal, and psychological). I had glimpses of those outbursts from her once we started getting close, but I always gaslit myself and tried to 'be better', because I have an undiagnosed ADHD (which she doesn't believe in).
Things took a dramatic turn after our marriage when we moved to the US on my work visa. She hated the country and the lifestyle change and wanted to go back, I wanted to stay, and she started getting more and more abusive. After 2 years, when I finally realized we should split, she got pregnant, and here we are. I hate to think of all the emotional trauma we caused/cause our kid, but if we divorce now, she would take my kid back home, and I would either have to quit my life here and start from scratch there, or not be able to be part of my 8yos life, so I guess we continue destroying all three lives for as long as we can.
I'm so sorry that sounds really hard.
I think the best thing we can do is remember we're not "the problem" but instead we are whole persons who have our own valid feelings, beliefs and values.
Good luck however it goes for you - you can heal in time and with effort, and the best thing one can do is to always let our kids know, see, and feel, that we love them