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Relationship Advice

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My partner has too many clothes (lemmy.blahaj.zone)
submitted 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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Help! My live-in partner of 3 years has too many clothes and it's overrunning our house. We live in a two bedroom condo with only two closets in the entire unit, and there's just not enough space.

At last count (2 years ago) there was over 300 articles of clothing - shirts, pants, jackets. There is constantly piles of clothes everywhere, clean and dirty, and nowhere to put them. They wear multiple outfits each day and throw them on the floor in the evening.

2 years ago I bought a few Ikea clothing containers to slide under the bed, and those are packed full of folded shirts that are never worn. And they just keep buying more.

I've spoken with them about this multiple times and they say that they'll get rid of some of the clothes, but never did.

On the flip side, I have four pairs of pants, a few shorts, around a dozen shirts and a suit.

What can I do?

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[–] [email protected] 18 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

Communication and boundaries. You need to decide whether or not this is something you are willing to live with. If not, communicate what you need to see. If your partner does not respond, you can try enforcing your boundaries. If you're still living in a laundry heap after that, it's up to you to decide if you want to end things, or share your life with someone who is not going to respect your boundaries. (I wouldn't.) Sounds like you've already done the communication bit, so what's got you in denial about the lack of respect? Don't think about the relationship you wish you had, look at the relationship you have. Is THIS what you want?

I'd also personally be concerned with spending patterns that don't reflect a reasonable need or occasional luxury.

EDIT: 'jet' has a suggestion on totes that is a decent suggestion on what enforcing your boundaries might look like. There's a difference between interdependency and codependency, and sometimes we or our partners need help. Your partner's response to the enforcement of your boundaries will be telling.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

2 possibilities:

a) They're just inconsiderate or don't realize it... Communicate. State your perspective. Make them realize the situation and make it clear how this affects the both of you. You could set boundaries and enforce them. For example agree on a confined space for the clothes and they can do whatever they want within that space but not exceed it.

b) It's a psychological issue / mental problem. For example they could be a hoarder. You pretty much can't do anything unless you're a psychologist. This needs therapy.

Maybe start with making them realize the situation. Make sure they understand. Help them by teaching them how to handle their belongings and how to decide what to keep and what isn't needed. Follow up with a clean-up day and help them to get rid of the excess. Give it to charity. Make sure boundaries are in place for the future. Be kind unless prompted to be strict and enforce what you've agreed on. (And properly agree on rules together. It doesn't work if it's your rules. You have to come up with the rules together.)

[–] [email protected] 6 points 5 months ago

Yea my wife had a clear out, then started buying more as she had space.... I bought 2 big vacuum pack bags, so she has to rotate out summer and winter clothes. This give her a hands on look at what she has as she rotates her stuff out.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 5 months ago (1 children)

Label to totes with a date you packed them. Cover the tote lip with tape. If the tap is unbroken after a month or two. Move it to the garage/storage. After 6months or a year sell the clothes or donate them.

This won't stop the acquisition of new clothes, but it will help you manage the pipeline to make space for new clothes.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 5 months ago* (last edited 5 months ago)

This doesn’t make sense for seasonal wardrobes or social/party wear. I wear my “nice” suit a couple times a year, maybe. The music fest stuff only comes out in the summer. Sweaters and swimsuits will be unworn for 6-8 months.

If you wear a T-shirt, hiking pants, and a hoodie every day, yeah it makes sense.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 5 months ago

Reading the replies with interest, partner moved in with me to a 4 bed house. 1 room is now a closet with 4 wardrobes 3 chests of drawers, and two giant bookcases full of shoes, and no floor space left. 2nd room is full of boxes of clothes, and she on at me to build a new quad wardrobe in there. Then we have my office which is storing all the non-clothes items from all the other rooms, and our bedroom with 6 wardrobes and two chests of drawers all full to bursting. Clothes and shoes count is easily in the 1000s. I have one pair of jeans and 10 t-shirts on rotation. She keeps buying me stuff too that I never wear. She keeps saying people need clothes but I’m just here to say OP, it could be worse.

[–] [email protected] 0 points 5 months ago

Is it actually too many clothes, is it that you are judging them (given your note about your own wardrobe at the bottom), or a mix of both?

You need to avoid moral judgement. Focus on practicalities - is your partner meeting shared living expenses targets, are they meeting their savings goals; and how the clothes are or are not overrunning the space, resulting in obvious opportunity costs for you or the both of you.