Autism

This doesn't read so much as a hot take and more like a cry for help. I'm sorry to hear that you have been having a hard time with your son. Any divorce is difficult, and having a child with special needs certainly doesn't make it easier.

I of course don't know the whole situation, but based on what you've written here, I would reccommend two things. First, at your next sessions with your son's therapist, you might ask her if she knows, or has information on where to find, someone who can help you with parenting and divorce from your perspective. It's important to remember that the therapist is always on your side, and you need not be embarrassed to ask her about such things.

Second, I think it might be valuable to search for other autistic parents and/or children in your area so you can share experiences and tips. Your son might also appreciate meeting children who are more like him, especially later on. Perhaps you can find parenting groups online, or you might ask the therapist about this as well.

Whatever you choose to do, I wish you a lot of strength and success.

Op here:

I didn’t expect such a response. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I value and appreciate all your comments and support. I will respond to the rest of you later.

Thank you

I have high-functioning autism and a child on the spectrum. Parenting is difficult enough without adding in extra complications. However, the fact that you have an understanding of your shortcomings and are working to remedy them puts you ahead of many parents already.

It sounds like you are both going to have to learn to interact. That's OK, you may just need some extra help and patience. Parenting is a learning process for both the parent and the child.

Here's something that has worked for me and my son. We would take walks outside in different natural surroundings and point out things we find. If I found a mushroom I would point it out and talk about it. If he found an insect he would get excited and show it to me. A very low pressure environment that gets people talking and learning.

I would also be honest with his therapists about your autism. You may benefit from joint sessions with him and sessions alone with your own therapist. It is important to find the right therapists who are willing to help both of you without judgment. If one is not working out, don't be afraid to move to another.

I just feel like giving up. I don’t know what to do

That sounds very normal for any parent of a toddler, never mind an autistic one.

Don't beat yourself up: Parenting can be very difficult for any parent under ideal circumstances let alone where you're at now.

I can't tell you anything that will magically make this better for you now but I can tell you things will get better, don't give up: Just take it one day at a time and be willing to accept help where you can get it.

Dude, 2yos are tough, being a first time parent is tough, and being a single parent is tough. You’re in a tough spot without anything else added to the mix. Take some comfort in that these things are hard and you’re not alone and it’s not just your condition. This is a stressful time regardless, so hang in there!!

First let me say how deeply I feel for you and feel this. We exist in a world that is not meant for us and I wish I had some words of wisdom for you but I do not. Instead know that you're not alone. I know I struggle mightily from executive dysfunction and never made the transition from childhood to adulthood very well or smoothly. I do not have children of my own so I won't be able to relate to you on that front but I can strongly relate to the difficulty of establishing routines. My employment history is a mess and so is, for the most part, my whole life. Yet somehow I can muddle through.

If you only take one thing away from my comment, please know that you're not a monster and that you are likely misunderstood by ignorant people. If I could ask, beg, or plead with you to do one thing it would be: If you are able to, please seek out some mental health therapy. Untreated depression can exacerbate sensory issues and issues with organization and routine. Depression is more than just mood impairment but it is cognitive impairment as well. I am 46 and I was diagnosed three year years after you. Simply being diagnosed rocked to me very core. While it confirmed my suspicions, I wasn't prepared to fully deal with it and face it. It ended my relationship with my fiancee.

Not autistic (I only found the post via m/all) but I am a dad of a 1 year old.

Cue’s are tough to read. Every time I think I’m getting them, they seem to change. My daughter starts throwing fits at random and I’m just lost running around trying to figure out Whats wrong and if it’s something she needs or if it’s just her not getting what she wants.

I also find I get nasty looks from other parents when I go to the park if my wife isn’t with me. I got the cops called on my for kidnapping my own daughter on more than 1 occasion. Dad’s can’t be dad’s in public when it’s just them and their children. The status quo means you shouldn’t know how to parent and should be at home falling apart the second a diaper needs changed because you just don’t know what to do. Anything else and something is wrong and the police need involved.

I have family with autism. I have friends with autism. I am sure that makes is more difficult. I have no doubts there. But I think being a single dad is adding more to the troubles than you think it is.

I relate to this, though I am not autistic myself. My wife and I certainly worry about whether our own personal challenges are going to impact our children. For example, we are both introverts and having to take a kid to a birthday party, mingle and make small talk with other parents is awful, it ruins the whole weekend. Of course, we still go, but our kids don't have as many play dates as other kids do. You know what, though? They will be fine. We play board games and video games and read.

All kids have advantages in some areas and gaps in others that they will have to work on as they grow. You can't teach them everything, and yet they will become fully functional adults anyway. You're doing a great job taking your kid to therapy and getting him help he can't get from you, that ~~shows that you love him and can take care of him. Focus on passing on your strengths and not trying to avoid passing on your failings.

Warning: Hot take: the longer I’m a parent, the more I feel that we shouldn’t be able to have children

First of all: you personally experiencing personal difficulties doesn't entitle you to tell others they "shouldn't be able to have children". I understand that it comes from what's possibly a deep personal frustration, but it's nonetheless disgusting.

Now that that's out of the way. You need to calm down. The first reason you shouldn't be beating yourself for not living up to your expectations of what a parent should be is that you've got to take a look at the general state of parenting. The vast majority of parents are pretty much shit at it, only got children because they wanted to go in with the vibes, and will very rarely question themselves for doing things far wrong, and want their children to be small copies of themselves. My own parents weren't great parents! One of them was a disgusting imitation of a human being who relished on provoking suffering to those around him, and the other had far too many issues of her own to take a clear stance on things when they needed to be done, but at least she was loving and ultimately was there to support me when I needed it. I'm not going to reproach any parent for not being able to provide anything more than what my mother could, because it's clear that far, far too many are well below that minimum.

Moving on.

2 year old son (...) Today I had an appointment with my son’s speech therapist, because he’s still not talking more than a couple words. The appointment is unstructured play and interaction including mimicking him, waiting for his cues, etc. The problem is, I can’t pick up on communication cues or read what to do next. I can’t communicate with him like a normal parent and I feel like I’m holding him back.

I didn't speak until I was 3 years old. Then I was the very first one kid in my class to learn how to read and write. Different people have different learning curves, and autistic people tend to have very different curves compared to the average person.

My actual specific advice here: make sure your kid doesn't get overwhelmed, much less in therapy. I have the growing suspicion that a lot of autistic kids don't learn too well to communicate verbally because they're disincentivized from doing so, both by their own senses and their environment. As any person should be able to understand, personal difficulty and lack of motivation to learn a skill are going to get anyone to hide their head underground like an ostritch and refuse to learn, and by actively frustrating autistic kids, these lose motivation more than anything else. Your most important goal here is to make him want to communicate with you, but not out of need, but because interacting with you will make him feel well.

I am excluded by other parents because I’m weird or different, and they keep their kids away from us when playing at the park. I want him to be able to socialize and have friends and his autistic monster father gets in the way.

This is mostly a "they" problem. It's not your fault that other people are closeminded assholes who want to exclude you for not being typical enough. Do not get discouraged, keep being a father in public places and you'll end up coming across good parents that you can reach out to.

How am I supposed to help when he gets to school? I have trouble with numbers and can’t do math😭😭

Are you going to beat yourself because you aren't good at math??? How many parents do you think are good at math!?!?!?

I'm going to be blunt and honest. From my extremely limited perspective of knowing you as a person who has written a few paragraphs online, I think you're mostly suffering from low self esteem, stress and anxiety because a lot of different things in your life aren't going like you think they should, and this makes you being extremely suspicious that you being a parent is yet another thing that will fail. If I'm correct in my premise, you have to know that your conclusion is very faulty. Shit, even. You clearly care a lot for your son. Make sure you look after yourself so that you can look after him, and I'm sure you'll do a decent job.

Remember that parenting is a very time-heavy endeavor, that pretending to have two people only doing the whole parenting thing themselves is a modern, non-sensical ideal, and reach out to your outer family when you need to, that you have to prioritize your son's happiness over him being "normal", that neither the extremes of throwing your kid into the pool nor never caring about their development are good, and things will turn out as best as they'll be able to, which are probably better than you currently thing. Oh, and look out for sensory overstimulation. That fucks up a lot of autistic children and no one knows any better because they don't know how to communicate it.

Sometimes I think about the good and bad things about my early childhood, being one of three autistic siblings with an autistic mom, and as I'm getting older and starting to consider adopting, wondering what it was like for her. I've also been talking to friends about their neurodivergent parents. It seems like the most important thing is making an effort to be present in his life and emotionally support him - even if you're not perfect, kids seem to be able to tell if you're genuinely putting in the work or not. I know people with fairly unstable parents who still had a pretty good childhood and have good adult relationships with their parents because their parents were trying their best, and they could see it.

I think you sound really self-aware as well as considerate of his needs, and that's a really good sign. If you don't have a personal therapist, I would recommend finding one though. And both for your son and yourself, don't be afraid to shop around for therapists that are the best match.

I am diagnosed autistic, and have never wanted children. The more my family has found out about autism, the more we realise my dad is probably autistic as well, and I've gotta say, much as I love him, he probably should not have had kids.

I don’t think that there is such a thing as a “normal parent”. For each way that you feel you fall short, you’re probably doing amazing in another area.

Don’t give up!

Not to take away from what you are going through but what you are feeling right now is probably something every parent feels, especially when their children are so young and doubly so when dealing with divorce. If possible, seek out help from your family, friends, and local resources. This shit is really hard even for neurotypical people. Try to be kind and patient with yourself, not just your son and, not to sound cliche, but take it one day at a time.

You took a good first step and are reaching out. Can you find a support group for autistic adults? Maybe check with your local ABA clinic/center? Some colleges now offer programs for autistic individuals; perhaps you can connect with someone there? I feel for you, but you sound like you’re off to a better start than you realize. You see the issues and you’re fighting for your son. Kudos young man!!

Your concerns show that you're a good parent. I've never been a parent (it will be a while; I'm young), but it's what I've heard. Keep trying, you'll figure something out. It may not be what you imagined, but if you work hard enough, things will fall into place one way or another.

Not sure if you explained to the speech therapist that you have autism and difficulties with this. But it may make a huge difference in the way they approach this situation. Also it may help the therapist to know there is a family history of autism and check your son for it to become speech delay/non verbal can be a sign of it in young kids

This is the kind of post that makes me think that maybe people with autism just have prohibitively much self-awareness. As far as I can estimate, you care more than most parents already.

I haven't ever been a parent, so I dont know how to be one, but I think you did a good thing to talk to a therapist. Just let her help you and you will probably be fine.

This is so fucking generalizing. Do you really think you can speak for all people on the SPECTRUM?