Once every week and a half or so, my entire sense of self and social confidence and whatever else just collapses altogether and I end up like this: either upset and crying over how bad I am at talking or angry and fucking grouchy about how bad I am at talking.
Yes "talking" literally is just posting online. I'm not gonna go try to ambush people irl with my weird shit, where would I even go? That stupid new canadian communist party? Local book club? Big brain ideas. Posting online is literally the only social interaction I getoutside of my wife, and I have to otherwise I will recede completely and probably become a full-tilt neet ot whatever.
Most days of a given week, I post and talk to people either by genuinely being happy and talking to people cause it's nice, mischevious shitposting instinct or rarely (read: not on hexbear) using spite as my motivator to post weird(I also naturally post weird without spite frequently).
I have really completely done the fake-it-till-I-make-it shit, and I'm actually pretty good at counjuring/manifesting/summoning via blood sacrifice confidence and self-assuredness, the ability to not worry so much what people think. I guess probably due to my social battery dying routinely though, there are days like today where the air just gets let out and I feel like dogshit and sad and hate everything and everybody. It's unpleasant honestly. I want not to be like this, it would be cooler to be emotionally stable. Pls tell me to touch grass?
touch grass.
fuck off I wont! All the cool people are online!!!
to put some energy into. Whether that's some kind of exercise, yard project, or something else - I spent a good few hours on cleaning my shed today. It kinda helps recenter myself, even if it really sucks to get started on it.
for a bit, there'll be even more posts for you to see when you have time to come back.
the theoretical possibility of someone asking what I'm reading is both terrifying and fascinating. Maybe if I ever detach at the hip from wifey...
