I have too much fucking time on my hands. Read here.
Starfleet mornings are tough, but they don’t have to be. Whether you’re perfecting your trombone solo, leading an away mission, or just wrestling with how to get Deanna Troi’s attention without crashing the ship, you need something that gives you the confidence to tackle it all. Enter: Frosted Frakes! The official breakfast of Commander William T. Riker! The man, the legend, and yes, the beard.
These flakes aren’t just frosted, they’re Frakes’d! Packed with enough flavor to take on the toughest Borg and the crunch that’ll keep you going through a 12-hour debrief with Admiral Nechayev. One bite and you’ll be ready to make First Contact, take a shuttlecraft joyride, or smooth-talk your way out of a run-in with the Ferengi. Each box gives you the strength of an epic trombone solo, the stamina for a full round of poker on the holodeck, and the silky suaveness of a man who can make standing with one leg on a chair look like a power pose.
Picard: "Will Riker starts his day with a bold move... and a bold bowl of Frosted Frakes! Because in space, as in breakfast, you have to take command."
And don’t worry, there’s no transporter duplication here! Each box of Frosted Frakes contains only the finest frakes, guaranteed to leave you feeling like the one and only Riker. Sorry, Thomas. Frosted Frakes gives you the same energy Riker had when he smirked his way through interspecies diplomacy and still made time to save the day. Whether you’re solving a galactic mystery, negotiating with Klingons, or just getting through another awkward encounter with Lwaxana Troi, Frosted Frakes has got your back.
Warning: Consuming Frosted Frakes may cause an overabundance of swagger, sudden bursts of charisma, an immediate urge to lead away teams and the uncontrollable desire to seduce anything within a 10-foot radius, including but not limited to holograms, ambassadors, and members of the crew. If you find yourself performing the ‘Riker Maneuver’, where you step over the back of a chair without realizing it, please consult Dr. Pulaski. Other side effects may include spontaneous jazz solos, an irresistible urge to challenge Klingons to arm-wrestling, and an inability to say the phrase "It never was, it was his assistant". Beard growth in under three hours has been reported. For optimal results, consume while smirking.
So if you’re ready to start your day like Starfleet’s most charming first officer, grab a bowl of Frosted Frakes! They’re frosted, they’re Frakes, and they’re, let’s be honest, always number one!
Picard: “Will Riker doesn’t half-ass anything, and neither should your breakfast. Make it Frosted Frakes, the only cereal guaranteed to put you in command of the situation. Beard optional, although not recommended.”
