I kicked Oxycontin a very long time ago, but spent nearly two years in an immensely deep depression that I felt as though I'd never come out of. There was no joy left in my soul. How long did it take you to come back, and are you still struggling?
Great fkn question fr. Deserves a good a swer so I'll try.
OK so on the tail end of my run I was stacking benzos on tip to fight my bleak utter nothing of a life. I kept a slip knot tied in my top drawer, knowing id never use it, just to remind me how much I apparently loove suffering.
I've always been an extremely spiritual being. Not religious. Just whole. Or I thought I was. But the things I knew and understood, I never put them into practice. I was using.
That whole time I was training myself to deal with trauma, adversity this that the third, so but the time I got clean I had a whole entire blue print for how to live.
It was literally a light switch going on.
I remember the day quite vividly. I was in jail on mail intake, it was a coupke weeks in, i was through the worst. A little skin crawly but No seizures. Nothing. I made a cup of Ramen noodles and tuna pouch with this older gangbanger turned family man from PR who threw in some cool ranch doritos, and a homeless kid who presented himself as literally Jesus christ.
I swear I never had so much fun in my life as I did in jail.
I realized long ago that happiness is a choice. It's just a perspective. You have to want to be happy. To cultivate that. Cause life only means what you want it to, and our brains are pliable. You can rewire your brain. Those old dead power lines will always be there, but you can run new ones.
The brain and life itself are really quite remarkable. That is my perspective now. I'm just being.
First off, congrats on being clean! Such a huge accomplishment! I'm going to ask a few questions: -How did you start? -What was your rock bottom moment? -What was the convincing factor that made you get clean?
That means a lot to me fr.
For how I started read the post after yours (:
My rock bottom? Hell there's no such thing. The bottom just keeps moving. Eviction? No electricity? Starving? Nope I found a way. Multiple arrests and charges? Nope. No money? I sold lots of my precious music gear. Nope. Sold my SOs great aunts wedding rings from the 20s was pretty bad..but:
This is my most "wtf am I doing" moment. And I'd consider it rock bottom. It's not crazy, but it's something I'm super ashamed about and would never do if not for drugs. Stealing. I got fired from my job because I was taking tools and pawning them, then returning them when I could get them out. ..
Well one day a coworker just happened to be in this run down little pawn shop. He caught me. He didn't tell on me until a week later, I suffered like raskalinov that entire time about my guilt and getting found out. I was a mess.
My job was awesome too with awesome people. They were gonna put me through rehab! But I just walked out before my boss even got to the job to talk to me and haven't talked any of them since, all driven by shame and embarrassment.
In the end, it wasn't enough. I used for another 6 or 7 years. It took me doing jail time. Something light, only 90 days. But that was simultaneously the worst and best thing that ever happened to me. I made the best of jail, laughed a LOT, lived in raw human sewage for a week with no running water, ate shitty food and talked to some shitty and some cool af people. Never looked back. I know that if fuck up even a little bit, I'm going right back. I'm not on parole anymore but I'm in the system. Everytime I get pulled over I get searched, cuffed, and put in the squad car. I have to be air tight. Especially where I live.
Everytime I get pulled over I get searched, cuffed, and put in the squad car. I have to be air tight. Especially where I live. >
Really? That's bullshit!
Yes. The whole experience has been really eye opening.
And the crazy thing is, if they wanna put you away, they will. If you don't have money, forget it. Your sitting in jail while your court ordered attorney has lunch with the judge and ignores you calls.
I've seen people sit on 500 bail. All you need is 10% to get out. Until the time has passed where they get either bail reduction or non monetary bail where its lowered to 1$ after like 6 months I think.
I saw people sit on total bs charges and they just sit in there trying to clear their name, with a lawyer who doesn't work for them, the court just kicking cam down the road 1 month at a time.
So you sign the plea because who wants to sit I'm jail?
As far as the police interaction...even if I didn't do anything, they can write up whatever report they want. Policing is super subjective.
"OH well he was acting funny so I searched the car"
What does that even mean? Then you get a whole written report of shit that never happened, all corroborated by fellow officers and the judge...and they all get money for each bed they fill in the jail.
I live in a complied consent state. They can take you in to draw blood at any point. If you deny, license suspension. If you comply, well chances are for many, that you smoked some tree within in 30 days, in which case your getting a DUI.
Everytime I drive by a cop car, with license plate scanner, I'm shaking. If it catches my plate a red flag pops on their screen with all my charges. Depending where your at, your getting followed and intimidated at least.
And I'm a cis white male.. I couldn't even begin to imagine being considered an "other". It's beginning to be more of a rich v poor thing though for sure. It's just very surreal the depths of the depravity that are buried in people. Myself included.
I'm sorry this is your reality. It sounds horrible.
It's OK. I'm pretty good at being happy. I never thought I deserved. But I know now that it's a choice. I want to be happy, and I'm not gonna let things outside my control hamper my own head space any longer. What I am in control of is my own behavior. I just have to be mindful of my own actions and constantly be doing cost benefit analysis on my choices.
What helped convince you to stop?
After about a year I wanted to stop, but couldn't. I fell into a cycle of needing to work to survive and needing to use to work, a never ending justification of my use.
What got me clean was a chance to get clean. I got locked up for 3 months in county, and court ordered 28 day rehab.
That's all I needed. I been there done that. You couldn't pay me to do it again.
Dude, I'm really proud of you and I don't even know you. Keep looking forward, I think you survived it because life has something special planned for you.
Tell me how it's started.
Kind of a long story, but in a nutshell...my family fell apart. We went from somewhat normal family in insane amount of debt and struggling to : My mom blew the fam up over money and lack of emotional intelligence on both my parents parts, she started dating my fkn uncle on my dad's side which was fkn traumatic all around. My dad was living out of a damn jeep wrangler. My sister was pregnant. I had a back injury from work, and it just so happens that my bandmate was an addict and we lived in the city w the biggest open air market and drug culture on the east coast.
Perfect storm. After a certain point it was all me and my empty excuses/justifications.
Understandably it is impossible to know, but if you had exposure to the drugs (e.g. trying because your friend compelled you to) without all of the other family/life baggage that made up the perfect storm you describe, do you think you would have fallen into the same addiction cycle?
Hmmmm good question..or should I say thought experiment.
I'd like to think it's not "in my nature" as an individual, buy very "in my nature" as a human being. Human nature is a bitch.
I'm gonna say, in a vacuum, no. I would be doing other drugs probly, but not physically addictive ones that come with crazy risks. I never liked opiates. Till that perfect time where I needed to dissappear. The rest is history.
It's really hard to say cause no one sets out to "get addicted" ykno
Thank you for sharing such a personal journey. I noticed some time ago that for the average US citizen, so many conditions converge to create despair, and another condition is added: The criminalization of desperation, eg, “crimes of desperation.”
I’m really glad you were able to stay clean. So many who use, whether smoking or banging, get out of jail or rehab and having no hope of a brighter future immediately return to using. Good job!
Has it adjusted your view of people? How did you see the world/society before starting vs after quitting?
Great question.
I think I was sort of selfish and removed. I still am, as humans are want to do but,
I think I have gained more compassion for the plight of man.
We are in an endless battle with our very own nature every step of the way.
I can find redeemable qualities in everyone. If not redeemable, at least an understanding of how a person became what they are.
We are imperfect beings. Our biology is simultaneously a feat of wonder while being super janky, and that is becoming more apparent to me the more I experience the modern world, and our ineptitude at dealing with our current situations as a species.
I find myself far more politically inclined these days. I always knew the justice system was messed up. But first hand experience of it has really driven home just how inhumane it is. It is systematic purge, with windows dressing. It is, at its foundation, human sacrifice, for lack of a better term.
I watched share holders inspect a jail from a cell. Surreal. I've watched genuinely mentally ill people stew in their own filth, literally and figuratively, losing any hope at ever being whole again. Lives are lost. Human experience squandered. I've watched the strong prey on the weak over and over again, to where I now understand that people have suffered a long time, and will be suffering long after I'm dead.
All I can do is try, in my day to day, and maybe one day in the future, we will break through to the other side, evolutionarily speaking, to a world where we care for one another, and, most importantly, where we feel we, ourselves, are deserving of our OWN love.
I guess I've gained new perspective. I'm not a detail oriented person. I do best in broad strokes. And this is the best answer I can come up with for now. Hopefully one day I will know a lot more and answer this better.
Where you from fam?
Born and raised in Philly. I moved out of there a little bit ago. I'm out in the county, in mountains now. Plus and negative. I love it here, but with my rap sheet of bs misdemeanor possesion charges, the state police treat me like a king pin. It's kinda pathetic and laughable if it wasn't happening to me (:
Better to live in a city where you're anonymous? 🤔
Probably yes. But I love it here. And I can't afford to pick up and move. I put everything into my current spot and I couldn't imagine living in the hot crowded city, right next to my dope spot anymore.
I just gotta keep my shit straight. I've learned how to properly deal with law enforcement. They're fkn ass holes. They'll throw you in and wait until you prove yourself innocent, but I'm not giving them an excuse anymore.
No sir, warrant sir, can I go sir? That's the type of shit they need to be teaching in schools tbh.
Do you think it changed you, and if so, how?
What's your take on the fentanyl crisis that seems to be happening?
Were you ever scared of an accidental lethal OD from using fentanyl?
It changed my entire being. It disconnecting me from everything, emotions, people, and mostly myself. Today I am more mindful. I have gained some much needed emotional intelligence, and most of all I gained some perspective. I'm still putting my life back together, but I'm just really appreciative that I get to experience anything at all, any emotion, anything. Anything past dead is gravy for me. I wouldn't trade my shitty experience for the world.
The fentanyl crisis is a natural evolution. Stronger cheaper easier to manufacture. I think it's mostly a cause of a broken education and criminal justice system. Prohibition never worked. Give the people something safe to use, offer them treatment. They're gonna do it anyway.
The scariest thing that came along with fentanyl is the vet tranquilizer that they cut it with. Since fent does not last as long and is not as euphoric, the tranquilizer is added to make it last longer and feel heavier. It causes all types of issues in your body. Swollen limbs, sleep standing, nodding out on limbs can cause permanent nerve damage. It's just super dangerous all around.
Look, I could only use fentanyl after a certain point. Heroin wouldn't even get me well. I've always practiced pretty good harm reduction tactics, but by the time I made the transition to fentanyl, it was nearly impossible for me to OD. I actually never ODed by common definition. Always kept intra muscular AND intranasal Naloxone on hand. New syringe everytime (usually eek).
But yea it was a constant worry. I would do "allergy tests" before main dose. I guess I got lucky.
Most people OD after they get clean. Out of jail/rehab etc, but I NEVER got clean besides for that last time. I knew coming out if I fucked around, I'd def find out with the stuff on the street today.
Thanks for opening up and sharing your experiences with us. Really appreciate it.
Any time. I like talking about my experiences. I don't have anything else yknow. And I feel like I've gained a little wisdom thru my trials. I don't have that many people I socialize with yknow. If one of my words makes someone think a thought they wouldn't have otherwise, my life is worth it.
What do you mean by “allergy tests”?
Very small amount at first basically a test shot. See If I get weird reaction, etc.
The whole thing became very mundane, medicine like. Like unsafe bathtub chemist insulin.
What is your favorite dinosaur?
Little foot (:
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