The Monkey's Paw

Granted. It doesn't protect you from physics.

If you jokingly try to jump to the moon you will succeed. And promptly suffocate in the vacuum.

Actually let's extend it logically: Any attempt to move will rip you apart unless you consciously decide to move at a normal human speed. Otherwise your every move will be instant.

Granted. You succeed at everything you do to the maximum possible extent, but very slowly. You are unable to stop until you fully succeed at what you’re doing.

For example: You have to expel the full contents of your intestines every time you poop. Slowly. Very slowly.

You do, but you never realize that's what's happening. You attribute any success to blind luck and don't ever attempt anything meaningful.

Granted. From now on, everything you decide to do turns out to be a monumentally bad idea, which you execute flawlessly before even having time to think through the ramifications.

Granted. Anything you even slightly attempt, whether you make the smallest twitch to punch someone - say a very rude child, or jokingly twitch your steering wheel towards a ramp, will be completed in full. Did you make an attempt to be more objective and logical? Congratulations on your completely new personality. There is 0 time to reconsider or adjust your actions, that are completed instantaneously.

Granted. You need to test it. Something difficult that you wouldn't normally be able to do, but nothing that could cause problems if it failed. Maybe drawing a realistic self portrait. You pick up a pen and the moment you touch it to paper it feels more the pen is moving your hand rather than the other way around. You are amazed at the speed and precision of each mark until your hand finally stops and you are left with a photo quality drawing. This is incredible. What next? The cute barista maybe? You open your mouth, not even sure what you are saying, but it works. You've got a new number in your phone and your coffee is on-the-house. What else? Surely there's a way to make some money off of this. The clerk at the corner store stands there with, mouth agape, amazed at your luck as you scratch off your 3rd winning ticket. What else? What about something impossible? You laugh at the faces of the drivers on the freeway as you pass them all, wining the foot race you attempted against their motorized vehicles. All of the possibilities swimming through your head. Your life had changed forever. You call that barista. It's no surprise to you when they agree to come over to your place. After a perfectly cooked diner, paired with just the right wine, you both move to the bedroom where you have the most amazing sex of your life. The barista lets out a satisfied sigh and is out for the night. You are feel tired yourself. It was a busy day after all. You lay down and try to go to sleep; which of course you do. You don't hear the panic cries of the barista the next morning. You don't feel the jostling. You aren't disturbed when you are loaded into the ambulance. You aren't bothered when the catheter is inserted. You are having the most successful sleep of your life. A sleep so sound that you never want to attempt to wake up.

Granted!

You develop a severe case of depression and atempt to kill yourself.

Granted. Your life is immediately sucked dry of everything that makes it worthwhile. Think about going for a drive? Oh, it's over. Make love to your spouse? The moment the thought enters your mind and the executive function decides yes lets go, the task is done. You can scarcely remember deriving even an infinitesimal amount of pleasure from the things that once made you happy. You can't even hug your family, because it's done before it even begins, the task complete.

At your first thought of even beginning to consider self harm, you are instantly obliterated in a violent explosion of guts and gore.