Asklemmy

A man with a monkey walks into a bar. Immediately the monkey goes wild and jumps all over the place. The barkeep shouts over "Hey! You can't let your animal do that!"

"Monkey! Come here." the man calls out and indeed the monkey calms down. "Sorry, he's just excited to be someplace new."

Barkeep eyes them suspiciously but lets them be. The pair walks around until the monkey goes nuts again, jumps on a pool table, grabs the cue ball and eats it.

"That's it. You're out! Don't come back until you can control your animal." the barkeep shouts and so the man grabs his monkey pays for the ball and leaves.

A week later the man returns, monkey in tow. The monkey immediately get's excited again but quickly reigns himself in and quietly follows the man to the bar. "See", the man adresses the barkeep, "much better behaved now!" - "Indeed, what can I get you?" - "Two beers, please!"

The barkeep serves them their beers and a bowl of peanuts. Immediately the monkey goes nuts, grabs a peanut, shoves it up his ass, pulls it out again and begins muching them down.

"Hey hey hey! That's disgusting! You can't let your animal do that!" - "I'm really sorry. Won't happen again. But ever since that cue ball he measures first."

There was a young man

From Cork, who got limericks

And haikus confused

An Aussie farmer looks at his New Zealander neighbours field and sees a sheep in desperate need of a shearing. The Aussie farmer says to his neighbour "I think you should shear that sheep", to which the New Zealand farmer replies "she's mine and I ain't shearing her with no one!"

Why do girls wear makeup and perfume? Because they’re ugly and they smell! My uncle told me this when I was a little boy, and it still tickles me now as a middle aged man who should know better.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?