Willy Wonka and Venture Capitalism
this post was submitted on 15 Dec 2023
413 points (98.8% liked)
The Onion
4158 readers
66 users here now
The Onion
A place to share and discuss stories from The Onion, Clickhole, and other satire.
Great Satire Writing:
founded 2 years ago
MODERATORS
Oompa loompa doompety doo
We have a perfect deal for you
Oompa loompa doompety dee
If you are wise you'll listen to me
What do you get when you buy a company
That is struggling to make any money?
You strip it down and sell all of its parts
And pocket all of the profits
with no remorse
You don't care about the workers' fate
You only care about the growth rate
You know that greed is good and right
You sleep so soundly every night
Oompa loompa doompety da
If you are greedy you will go far
You will live in happiness too
Like the Oompa Loompa Doompety do
Doompety do
This guy Oompas
Wrong set! You're supposed to be on the set of Pretty Woman!
Willy Wonka and the Anti-Trust Suit
Willy Wonka and the OSHA Audit
Willy Wonka and the Teamsters Walkout
Willy Wonka 2: Da Search For More Money
It's not a true Wonka movie until they start killing off kids. It's a low bar, haven't seen this version, hoping they clear it in glorious Wonka fashion.
Funding education: Willy Wonka no
Child murder: Willy Wonka yes
Don't forget the neoliberal fantasy of a gleeful slave class who work for food.
I suppose in that specific sense (the exploited slave workforce), the Oompa Loompas aren't even that unrealistic a portrayal of how chocolate gets produced.
Sure the Oompa Loompas are dying in forced labor, but this is the Best System in the World™
But this one explains how he hoodwinks a culture into indentured servitude (I assume)!
Drugs, probably. Or just took a page from the Christianity playbook.
I loved the first one so much, then they made a remake to expand on Mysterous Bombadil Candy past... Man I don't need to know Tom Bombadil's backstory, I don't want to know about wonka's powercreep. NOW THEY ARE MAKING A THIRD REMAKE, AND A SEQUIL BOOK HAS EXISTED THIS WHOLE TIME. This and Trolls just cashing in on that nostalgia is all they know how to do with kids. Turning Red got bawked at but I keep seeing nothing but hype for this crap.
It’s because society shits on anything made for or loved by Teen girls. It’s pretty fucked up honestly.
Just watched this movie today and loved it. Don't understand the hate in the comments. Oompa Lumpa song and dance, check. Crazy chocolates that make people float and shit, check. Willy Wonka doing weird shit and near-magical feats, check. It's a great movie.
Did anyone here even watch the Movie?
Why on earth would anyone do that?
I did and I enjoyed it well enough for what it is.
That said, it is not a Willy Wonka movie. It’s something new with the same name.
I saw the trailer and it was absolute dogshit.
So you didn't see it. Thanks. Proves my point
Happy to help. Not sure what point we're proving? That even the trailer is unwatchable?
That y'all are as shallow and dumb as the kids that hated justin bieber back in the day.
That doesn't not follow from the previous statements.