Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.

What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up.

The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty.

I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved.

I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child.

I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments.

The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.

It's really odd lapsing into old thinking habits and not having them send me on the express route to a full emotional crash. They still can (for example when I posted on thanksgiving) but it's so much harder now

The hardest truth is knowing that's it all a game.

Knowing that even though we're all the same,

and even that truth doesn't cut it.

Knowing centuries of pawns made this life of hell.

Knowing only centuries of war could get us out.

Knowing some take pride in this life laid down,

Built by others...

Death is tradition, false laws taught and governed.

Peace is killed.

Every single instance.

Because peace on earth means resistance.

...or something.

It took a lot to kill my innocence...

But you did it.

The only faith I've got now

Is when I make the choice to lean back

and fall.

Distance never ending

Falling but in ascension.

Reckless learning life's hard lessons,

Aren't even lessons,

But just wasted time passed.

Fueling their egos.

Fanning their flame.

After all,

I was born into their game.

Just a pawn.

You have no idea how real this world really is,

Look inside my eyes and see how many times I've died.

I'm not even sure I'm even still alive.

I broke bread with the wicked and learned lessons from evil

all the while seeing heaven and hell inside all people.

Never done hard drugs but still lived life under the rock.

Walking with the misfits, experience, hard lessons, pressure and stress.

Disappointed and feeling alive all at the same time.

I've seen what most don't, the unspoke.

Extreme environments that bring either death or growth.

Spoken without speaking, intuitions, when you have no money that's all that brings wisdom.

Classless, so maps don't work.

Hope, and faith, falling back into thin air.

Knowing whether it's living or dying I need to do it with no feelings.

Life is life, love is love, chaos is God.

Meditate and lose your body when things get hard.

Remember, that's all we have, all we got.

Water your garden, see the sun, trust me,

live laugh and love before your days are done.

Do you have suicidal thoughts when not taking Lyrica? Are you also dealing with addiction? Are you exceeding the recommended dosage? I take up to 2300 mg when I have suicidal thoughts. God, I want to die. I live only because my family will be sad when I'm gone. Please don't hate people struggling with suicide. I respect them. They just want to be free of pain. I want to be free too. This is our life, and we should have the choice to die.

There's no escaping. I don't know what to do. My entire life's been fucked and I've never been free.

Thought she'd be the reason I turn my life around

Source

Do people actually enjoy life? I've known, superficially, people that appear happy, but I have a suspicion it's all an elaborate act. Life's mundane, and boring. It's all the fucking same. Go anywhere on the planet, the people are all the same, doing all the same things, in slight variations.

Nature's an unimaginative joke. Clones of clones with variations. Much wow. Much spiraturality. Those giant rocks changed my life. That whale spoke to me personally. That tree healed me. Are people fucking serious? Are people so cognitively inept that being reminded that there's things outside themselves, alive or not, is a life affirming act?

I just want to disappear. The older I get the more dissapointed I become. There's nothing here that gives any sense of joy. Medication doesn't work. Therapies don't work. Self-aware life is hell. If anyone's happy or content their self-awareness must be sufficiently limited. Blah, blah, blah. Just rambling. I hate this. People who have children are the worst.