this post was submitted on 18 May 2024
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When a person tells you that a loved one has passed, ask what the their name was and say it back. It can be awkward when that comes up and you might not know how to respond best. I’ve found that most people don’t want you to feel bad for them, but them saying their name and having a chance to talk about them is often a nice thing.
I’m in healthcare so death comes up a lot. “David. That’s a nice name. Where was he from?”
This.. Might not be as helpful as you think it is.. My dad died 6 months ago, and If someone asked me what his name was and then said 'that's a nice name' I'd feel like it was a superficial and bad reaction. My father was a lot of things, and for someone to sum it up in 'that's a nice name' as a form of sympathy would make me pause and struggle to find a response to such a.. Simple and child-like reaction. I feel like that's a response you could maybe get away with people's pets, but not a human loved one.
Don’t get caught up in the phrasing, which should be tailored to each individual need in the moment. Instead, look at what they’re saying, just ask questions and actively listen. They should do more of the talking and people love to tell stories, especially of loved ones. This isn’t going to be the best approach for everyone but it will be for most people.
My Dad died about 4 years ago now and I still think about him almost daily. It was hard at first, but I’m not sure which I would’ve wanted, for people to have asked about him or to have not asked about him. Part of me wanted to crawl into a hole and not talk to anyone and part of me wanted people to have cared and know about him.
While it’s true you can’t sum up a person with “that’s a nice name,” they’re trying to make conversation, they probably don’t know what you know about him and if you want them to know, you’d need to correct them. My Dad really wasn’t social much throughout his life, so it kind of felt like just nobody cared at all, maybe half a dozen people in total ever really asked anything about him after he passed.
How about: I'm sorry to hear that, are you holding up ok?
"What was his name?"
"David"
"I'm sorry to hear that, are you holding up ok?"
You'd be a shite doctor 😂
dont ask how people are doing if you don't care man
Also healthcare here. I do something similar, both for already dead family members and critically ill patients.
I don't so much focus on the name, but ask a general "can you tell me about them?"
It reinforces to people that you care and helps forge a connection.