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So therefore this misery I'm feeling which took about a day and a half to set back in after getting back to work is just my normal, my every day, which is deeply fucked up and very typical of my entire life and I'm so tired of always feeling miserable and moving forward despite endlessly broken promises of a better life just around the corner

I feel like I am crumbling and falling apart every day and am tired of putting myself back together so lately I guess I'm just... not doing that anymore. I've been crying a lot every day for the past few days, due in part to the fact that I have this dental emergency to think about, partially because of the 20,000 dollars my grandma left me last year I have $950 left, wiped out in equal measure by medical costs, car repairs, weed, overspending on food, and some vacations I could have saved up better for.

I turned 38 a few weeks ago. I've never left home, never had a degree, never had a girlfriend, never had more friends than I could count on one hand. I have no social life and I feel like I have no future, and have never been in control of my life. I feel at times like I'm carrying out a prison sentence for a crime I have no memory of committing, like this life is a punishment for something horrible I did in a prior life, a karmic experience of near-total isolation and failure and unending pain and disappointment, with hope only ever being a cruel lie that's yanked from my grasp every time I come close to it.

I really just don't know what to do anymore and kind of want to just sit here where I am and slowly crumble into dust. I'm so tired.