I have seen Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace several times in the past month.
I've listened to Griffin & David's phantom podcast, I've watched the RedLetterMedia Mr. Plinkett reviews, I've listened to the Chapo commentary track. I've heard every criticism of the film said in many different ways by many different people, and I still can't stop watching Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace.
I recently watched a staged live reading of the script with esteemed actors such as Tony Hale and Haley Joel Osment (highly recommend this one btw)
Surely by now I should be tired of everything to do with Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, but no. Every time I watch the film I'm every bit in awe as I was when I watched it in theaters at the age of 6.
Every choice confounds me, every scene surprises me anew with its sheer ineptitude, every frame oozes incompetence. I should know the film by heart, but I never have any idea what's coming next, it's as if my memory is erased every time a new terrible scene begins.
As a species we have just barely begun to scratch the surface of what's wrong with this movie. I don't think we will ever come close to fully unpacking what George Lucas has done here.
Please, Lord forgive me for what I'm about to do, which is press "play" on Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace. This is the last time, I promise. I just need to get this out of my system and then I'll be done forever. I can stop anytime...
oh god, oh fuck I've had the film playing on a loop for the past 48 hours. I can't tear my eyes away, I haven't eaten or slept, all I can do is watch Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace, wallowing in my own filth until I inevitably die of exhaustion like in Infinite Jest. These are the last words I will ever hear:
Mesa caused mabbe one, two-y lettle bitty axadentes, huh? Yud-say boom da gassar, den crashin der boss's heyblibber, den banished
— Jar Jar Binks
wait no, I've seen the light, I know how to break free, how to escape this endless nightmare. I'm going to watch Star Wars: Episode II: Attack of the Clones
what's truly ridiculous is that they weren't even that mad about The Force Awakens. the nerd-rage didn't fully kick in until The Last Jedi, when someone finally tried to do something interesting in one of these fucking movies. I don't think that movie is good per se but it probably could have been if they just let Rian Johnson go full freak mode and do whatever he felt like
but Rian Johnson RUINED my childhood!!!!!1. no you fucking nerd, George Lucas did that, on purpose and you thanked him for it. selling the franchise to Disney was all part of his master plan to piss off the most insufferable media-brained dorks on the planet and he's laughing all the way to the bank
Luke, Kylo and Rey were the best part of the film. The nerd rage over Luke's portrayal is
Luke is such a non-character in the original trilogy, he's really just an avatar for the male nerd audience to project themselves onto, so they couldn't handle Rian Johnson giving him any moral ambiguity or depth
the movie also came out around the start of MeToo and I think the response was basically "oh, so now we gotta cancel Luke Skywalker too?"
Nerd Mad Mad Mad at Rian Johnson: "Luke would never give up and fuck off to a planet to live like a hermit, a Jedi would never do that! Also, I've never heard of trauma!"
Force Ghost Obi-wan and Yoda: [kick at the dirt, look uncomfortable, avoid eye contact]
George Lucas: Meh.