Here’s my prediction of what that speech might look like:

“Ladies and Gentlemen, I've got a little secret to share with you. The Taliban, they're not just some group out there. They're my friends, good friends. We go way back, way back. Now, I know what you're thinking. Trump, are you crazy? But let me tell you, it's not crazy, it's genius. Absolute genius. Because the Taliban, they're not just any friends. They're the best friends you could have in that part of the world. They're tough, they're strong, they're resilient. And they're not afraid to fight. They've been fighting for a long time, a very long time. And they've been fighting against some very bad people, some very bad terrorists.

And that's why they're not just my friends, they're America's friends. They're our allies in the fight against terror. They're on our side, folks. They're helping us, helping America. And that's why I'm a genius. Because I saw this, I saw this potential, this opportunity, when nobody else did. I saw that we could turn enemies into friends, turn bad into good. And that's what I did, folks. That's what I did. You know, people don't understand, they don't get it. But I do, I get it. I've always gotten it. And that's why I'm the best, the very best. And the Taliban, they're the best too. They're the best at what they do. And together, we're unstoppable.”

The real version might have the incoherence cranked all the way to 11, but I just can’t write like that without getting a headache.