BestofRedditorUpdates

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2024-08-16 04:00:05+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/KEH2018

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I was once again left out of my daughter's birthday pictures and I'm done talking to my husband about it

Thanks to u/queenlegolas + u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for suggesting this BoRU

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Original Post: August 5, 2024

Pretty much as the title says. My daughter turned 5 in the middle of last week but yesterday we had her birthday party. We had it at the local trampoline park since that's her favorite place right now lol

Because of my husband's work schedule, I did the majority of the planning. He did contribute financially but I planned the theme, made the party reservation, ordered the cake, made the party favors ect.

My daughter is a huge daddy's girl and thus, he is the favorite parent. She's only 5 so I don't hold it against her by any means but it still definitely hurts. For health reasons, I can't jump with my daughter but my husband was. They both had a great time and so did the other kids that were there.

But just like previous years, I'm the one behind the camera. I take all the pictures every year and I'm not in any of them. I've spoken to my husband about my feelings before but all I get are empty promises of how he will do better.

Last year, we rented a room at the local conference center for her party and I asked my grandmother to take pictures of me and my husband holding our child while we sang happy birthday and cut the cake. Instead of pictures, she took a video. Once again, no pictures of me. Call me old fashioned but I like printing pictures for photo albums and I can't exactly print off a video. So another year of no pictures.

After yesterday's party, we decided to take her gifts home rather than open them at the party. The kids had a very limited time at the park so rather than spend 20 minutes opening presents, we figured it would be better to take them home and open them there so the kids had more time to play.

Even while opening presents, I was behind the camera. My husband didn't think once that I should be in any of them.

By the end of the day, I was very upset and I'll give my husband credit for knowing when I am. But then again I wasn't really hiding it. I went to say good night to my daughter because I had to be up early the next day. He followed me to talk to me.

He said "Whats wrong? What did I do?"

I just looked at him and said "It's what you didn't do. For the 3rd year in a row."

I just went to the bedroom and he didn't follow me. I'm just done! I'm so sick of his empty promises of doing better. Besides little things like this, he's a good husband and an amazing father. But it genuinely feels like there are times when he doesn't think about me at all.

And if anyone thinks "well why don't you just ask him to take pictures?" I shouldn't have to! I'd like to think that my husband would want pictures of me and our child together! The last picture I remember him taking of me and our daughter was in a restaurant on my 29th birthday and I asked him to take it.

I'm so tired of this. At any time I could get sick or be in an accident and die and the only pictures my daughter will have of me will be selfies I've taken. None of me on her birthdays or even holidays.

Because of our crazy schedules, I won't see my husband again until next Sunday, unless he stays up all night to see me in the AM which he sometimes does.

Part of me wants to text him and lay it all out (again) but the majority of my thoughts is to just give up on it.

I told my husband for the 3rd year in a row, but it's probably been more than that. I don't recall seeing any pictures of me and her on her birthday or me even being in the background.

I'm just so hurt and tired of it. Thanks for reading.

Relevant Comments

LusciousLipssss: I'm really sorry you're going through this. What you're feeling is totally valid—it's not just about pictures; it's about feeling seen and valued in your family. Maybe suggest hiring a photographer for important occasions? It might take the pressure off you and ensure you're included in those cherished memories.

OOP: Thank you. It feels good to be validated :) Unfortunately, we aren't in a situation where we can afford a professional photographer. I may talk to my mother in law and see if she can help me take pictures during the next family event/holiday/birthday. I definitely don't trust my husband to, even if I talk to him (again).

dogfishfrostbite: Does your husband take pictures of other things?

OOP: Not really. He's taken selfies of both of them together and pictures of just her. But for all major events, it's pretty much just me.

ssanford0704: Some people are just bad at pictures. Some people just don’t think of it. Yeah, for you he “should” think of it but that’s YOUR expectation. do you think that if you didn’t take pictures of him and her, he would be as upset as you? Some people worry more about being in the moment than taking pictures. Either way is fine but if you want more picture with your child then ask. Even if you have to ask him 20x in a day.. ask. It’s what you want. And if he wants it, he’ll take pictures. If not.. that’s ok. Just because he doesn’t take pictures of you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t think of you, doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you and doesn’t mean he’s not a good father or husband. You’re valid in your feelings but leaving it up to him to make the “right” decision for you is not how to go about it. It’s argument/tension waiting to happen.

OOP: Thank you for this insight. A lot of this was written before I've had the chance to really calm myself and think about things. The biggest reason I'm hurt by this is because of the many times I've talked to him about it, and nothing has changed. But I also realize, as you've said, that sometimes he's just in the moment and genuinely doesn't think about pictures at the time. I'm going to have another sit down with him when I see him next to explain my feelings again, but also ask him to take pictures when the time comes. Thank you for a new perspective on this. I'll work with him to improve on picture taking going forward.

Advanced_Passage_492: Your feelings are valid, but you kind of cut off your nose to spite your face here! You should have INSISTED on some photos - sure you should not have to ask, but end result is no photos and you can't take that back.

Aly_Kitty: I’m gonna be honest and a bit harsh here. For now three YEARS you are aware your husband doesn’t think to take pictures but for now three years you didn’t think to speak up in the moment and ask for pictures? This is on you too.

Sit down with the presents, hand your husband the phone and tell him to take pics. Set the phone on a tripod and set a timer to take a pic every 30 seconds. Take a selfie. Literally do anything because you are doing nothing then getting mad that nothing is being done. Clearly your husband doesn’t care/ remember/ think about taking pics. You’re doing the same thing year after year but getting mad that nothing is changing. Change it yourself.

 

Update: August 9, 2024

Thank you to everyone who read and commented on my post. There were a lot of supportive comments and some harsh ones. But I appreciate them all, as there were many who made some great points.

Before I dive into the update, there are some comments that were made that I want to address.

Many pointed out that my husband is probably just someone who wants to live in the moment and I 100% agree. The biggest reason I was hurt was because of how many times I have spoken to him about my feelings and his constant promises to do better. However, like many said, he probably just doesn't think about it at the time.

I don't think he does it on purpose or doesn't do it out of spite. He's probably having too much fun with our daughter and forgets and I shouldn't have let it get to me too much. I still think I shouldn't have to ask but we clearly have different views when it comes to special occasions. He wants to live in the moment and I want to preserve the moments.

With that said, please know that I don't constantly have a camera in my hand. I just use my phone to snap pictures every so often. I put the phone down so I can enjoy my daughters parties and family gatherings too. I just wanted him to do the same for me on occasion.

Many have said to just take selfies of me and her and I do. I take a lot of them! I would just like pictures others have taken as well, or even just pictures of me there where I'm not necessarily posing. Just pictures of me playing with her or hanging out at the party with family and friends.

Many suggested hiring a photographer but that's not something we can really afford but hopefully with our talk, we won't even need to consider it.

On to the update:

My husband and I spoke last night. When I don't have work the next day, I stay up late so I can spend some time with him and I wanted us to finally talk.

When he came home, we sa...

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