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what would be the best way to tell your supervisor to stop inquiring about your personal life and mobbing you into opening up? (lemmy.ml)

submitted 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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my supervisor is an extrovert, whereas I'm an introvert. She feels insulted if I don't share my personal life with her and ridicules me before other coworkers because I separate private and work life and prefer to keep to myself.

I wrote mobbing because that's what it feels to me: a ritual of hers is to always eat together, a time she uses to ask me questions I don't want to answer. I usually answer very vaguely, which is not enough for her. If I eat alone, she'll complaint about why am I being so unfriendly.

She doesn't understand I need time alone to unwind.

She is convinced she is doing me a favor, but the opposite is true. It makes me dislike her even more.

I simply cannot win. It's tiring being blamed and shamed for preferring to read a book instead of talking about dogs or sex.

It makes me want to quit.

I don't know if I go to HR with an issue like this, because they may label me the odd one, the one who's not a teamplayer and use it against me.

Most people are extroverted and react angrily to somebody who keeps to himself and I've been bullied several times for this. Extroverts don't seem to understand that not showing interest in their sexual lives doesn't mean disrespect, but simply that I don't care about it.

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[–] [email protected] 26 points 2 months ago* (last edited 2 months ago) (1 children)

Boy, I'm real hesitant to go to HR. May as well ask to be fired.

It really depends on the business, culture, climate. The better places I've worked, this kind of interest is genuine, an attempt to foster better relationships at work. Of course, some people are just nosey Nellies...

Without knowing the environment and culture (and the questions), it's hard to say what to do.

Best I can say is to make it clear you like to keep your work and private life well separated.

Also OP, if someone else feels insulted, that's on them. They've chosen to feel insulted. Besides, how do you know she feels insulted? If she's communicating that, then she's being manipulative, using "emotional blackmail". Look, I'm not responsible for how you choose to feel, that's on you.

One trick I've used with people who continue with questions is to respond with a non-sequiter, something jarring, and use it all the time, repeatedly. Something like "how about the weather", or "how about those ". Make it your catch phrase for when people continue to pry, and don't be afraid to repeat it. Keep in mind tone matters, so say it like you mean it, like you walked in on Monday after a team did well, or got their asses beat. You don't even have to like the sport or the team, in fact it's kind of funny if you don't like them.

It's a bit of re-framing the conversation, while also communicating you aren't interested in the subject, without being an ass. And if anyone complains, well, you were just talking about a sports team.

[–] [email protected] 6 points 2 months ago

Agree, hr is more or less a one stop shop to being fired. Op is right, they'll immediately label you someone who is willing to speak up, what's the addage? The beach who perks up gets pruned. HR isn't necessarily there to protect the company, but the status quo. They don't want anyone making noise, else it is bad for everyone.