chat

Ah, unfortunately not capable of power naps. I can only slumber.

Edit: after typing all that I went back and looked at your comment because by the end of it I had forgotten what you said and fucking lost it 😭 I did not need to say all that jfc. This is almost equivalent to responding to your coworker's joke with your obscure childhood trauma. Have a read if you want though, I definitely spent a socially reasonable amount of time on it.

Although, sometimes if I am really exhausted but my stimulants are keeping me up (happened a lot in highschool lmao) I would put my head down and begin to vividly hallucinate some weird shit. I can stil feel my body sitting at a desk with my head down and I can get up at any point. In fact it would usually end exactly like that; I'd get bored of keeping my head down, start actually thinking of something, or something would catch my attention. It was distinctly not full sleep and but not full consciousness either. It was like withdrawing into your own mind and listening to its background noise. Most of these hallucinations would be talking to someone nearby or texting. I would fully feel as if my body was moving to these actions as I saw them happen but I was motionless and my eyes were shut. I would even remember the conversations after and find out later that they did not happen. I figured it out and stopped having to ask eventually though. Some of the hallucinations which I am unwilling to call dreams, were weird though. Nothing you wouldn't expect from the mind of a 15-18yr old though. I can't recall most of them but I remember that thinking it was normal or atleast common for them to be strange. I do remember two though, likely for how distinctly different their styles of surreal were. I have no idea which order I had them but I am gonna call the following account the first because this type of surreal was more common than the other and this dream requires less words.

The first one was just a naked human baby floating in a black void. It was relatively plump, white, and male. I can't be entirely sure what position it took but I want to say it was more or less horizontal, maybe slightly diagonal like a cupid figure. Whatever its pose the baby rotated and bobbed up and down in this void. From it emenated a rainbow hue that fluctuated with its movements. Some of you may be reminded of something and yes I do think that had something to do with it.

The second one is less silly but I wouldn't have described it to you as grim. Maybe a tad unsettling at best. I think the best way to capture the feeling of it is through a bit of creative writing so forgive me for indulging. No guarantees I am any good at it though.

I am observing a person. They do not yet exist, though I experience them. I do not know them, I am not in a void with them, I am not observing them within a void that is a place, they are placeless. I am seeing them. The essence of them. Their existence asserts itself. Pale tendrils spiderweb into existence unraveling to form the shape of their thoughts and senses that deliver the information for which they now starve. Their want floods from their core to their edges in swift sanguine rivers destined to pulse with a thumping rythem. Their rigid form emerges and interlocks with itself in step with the demiurgic viscera that is to vassalate their consumption. Milk white fibers sprout from their cage and blossom into merlot hued threads that weave and swell into the near image of their reality. This genesis of sinew delivers them to the unforgiving barrel of causality without even the ability to consent. Finally, these grotesquely sublime mechanisms of impetus are stolen from admiration by the thin expression of identity. A piercing jolt of energy makes them conscious of the body that has always been them as they feel their chest beat the drum of insatiable desire that dances within them as their flesh grows hot. With all but a sliver of time to process, enjoy, and suffer the implications and consequences of being real their existence is stripped from them as the process reverses entirely.

Upon which I opened my eyes in 5th period astronomy and texted my SO about it. I did a lot of psychedelics my junior and senior year so honestly this wasn't a suprising thing to experience. I wrote this on a 100mg edible and I feel I need to note this somewhere.