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I read that thread about Gursimran Kaur

Normally I'm kinda numb to all the various horrors of imperialist-monopoly capitalist society but today is one of those days where I feel a little bit more in touch with how I feel. I can't really cry anymore but this had me on the edge of tears :(

They aren't accepting any more donations rn but I put it here anyway too: https://www.gofundme.com/f/support-the-family-of-gursimran-who-lost-her-life-at-walmart

I started writing something expressing my sympathy and my experience working for Walmart, then it spiraled and spiraled into an essay and it started to feel out of place and I burned out when I started writing about absolute surplus value so I thought I would elevate this concept to a thread and write a little about it :/

I don't wanna overstate it but it was a fucking horrible experience. I've gone through 2 periods of working in a Walmart "supercenter" and both ended with me having some kind of mental breakdown and losing my job. Tbh the only reason I'm not homeless rn is I was able to move back in with family after the last time. I have ADHD, probably autism too, and idk... it's like I can handle it for a while, like a year or 2, and I just start progressively decompensating until I can't even drag myself out of bed anymore even with the threat of losing everything. Ofc, this is intentional, the turnover rate is extremely high and the point is to work people as hard as possible until they burn out... but I did meet some "lifers" too during my time there.

I was never locked inside a fucking oven though, I can't even imagine how horrifying an end that would be :(

I have been locked inside freezers or coolers though, I'm just glad there were people around to let me out and that store management was generally fast to get the fucking inside latches fixed. And the rate of work is usually so fast that safety is an afterthought. I've had neck-breakingly heavy boxes almost fall on me, tripped in really bad places, had people almost hit me in the head with things, like a pallet once (wtf, I was getting something from a low shelf on the sales floor and someone threw a fucking pallet right past my head onto the floor, I looked back at him and it was like he didn't even register I was there, he turned his brain off and was on automatic mode idk)

All these memories are really tied up with Marxism for me too cuz one of my work coping mechanisms was listening to theory audiobooks or podcasts all day whenever I could get away with it lol. I should have been doing union-building but I'm a total mess so instead I was doing that of building a precise model of this duplicitous world inside my head or whatever

It's all such a blur whenever I think about it, hard to pull anything concrete out of those times to put in words tbh. Bad shit would happen to me like a coworker or customer (most likely the latter) would yell at me or I would focus on and worry about some social mistake I made and I would start to break down, not be able to talk to people or keep up social conventions like the right amount of eye contact or saying the right words or.... idk, some days my brain just totally melted and I was acting "weird" I guess, idk :(

One thing that stands out to me is how many days where we could barely keep up with work or a lot of previously mentioned similar bad things would happen and at the end of the day I could just barely keep it together enough to clean up and drag myself to my car before totally collapsing and just crying for a while before I could find the strength to go home and go to bed. And the overtime , and actually I don't mean regular overtime even cuz that's really bad enough but at least you're usually not alone, I mean the overtime where you somehow got yourself into some situation where everyone else in your department has left but you're still there trying to clean up or finish something or the boss gave you something you thought would be easy but it wasn't or some similar thing. Baddddddd feeeelinngggg, cuz if you truly can't handle it on your own, the other departments DO NOT wanna help you cuz they're busy drowning in their own work so they will be really mean about it if you try to get help, mostly the management. That didn't happen often but yeh

The only positive I can remember rn, and its a HUGE positive, is solidarity with my coworkers (the non-class-traitorous ones). Cuz it's not just me experiencing all this stuff ofc, I saw other people break down in similar ways or get stuck in bad situations and I would try to help, sometimes they would help me. Even just little things like advice or help with a task or helping cover up your slacking for you lol really helps make the misery better. One of my coworkers at the last store I worked at was going through a really hard time raising a kid on her own, was really tired and broke all the time, so I would try to help her out with tasks sometimes, listen to her talk about stuff, bought her lunch once or twice, even just gave her a hug sometimes. In hindsight I feel like I have this habit of overextending myself socially, maybe should be better at setting boundaries :/

I think people bought me lunch a couple of times too lol. A lot of my coworkers were really cool, but ofc there were the misanthropic class-traitorous types who would snitch on you to the boss, rationalized their job being terrible as being the fault of all their lazy never-doing-any-work coworkers. Would try to turn it to a more class-conscious management-antagonistic direction if it came up in conversation, worked sometimes at least. Cool ones would help with stuff or give advice all the time, I'm not sure I could have made it as long as I did without that

I've been unemployed for a while now, except for a brief time at Amazon (DO NOT RECOMMEND, it was even worse), and now I don't know what to do , I'm a self-taught computer-toucher but all I know for doing for work is retail so I'm probably gonna have to go back sometime and start this working-burnout cycle again :(

I could go on but I feel like is getting too long, I hope you liked, would love to hear your stories too. Will try to reply if I have the energy lol. Feel free to ask any questions too if you want

Sorry for this being kinda a mess, I'm writing even worse than usual today for some reason