this post was submitted on 27 Nov 2024
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I'd be lying if I said I was never an incel, dating can be extremely hard for an introvert. I was never the misogynistic type though even if I was frustrated and wondering what's wrong with me. Misogynists will hate women whether they have sex or not, and they deserve equal hatred. It's also very true that the sexual activity and dating life of men is sadly correlated to their value as a man by the patriarchic system. It's perfecly valid to have difficulty in dating or not wanting to date at all as a man.
Looking back there's definitely a version of myself that could have become a misogynist incel if I had a different upbringing/role models/view on life and blamed women for not dating me instead of (correctly) identifying myself as the problem (low self esteem, depression, etc).
Still struggling with my own issues but I sure as hell don't blame women (or anyone else except maybe the bourgeoisie) for my own inability to develop romantic relationships.
I was in the same boat. The misogyny turned me away, and the fact that I'm actually aroace and had different ideas of what a relationship and sexuality entails. Figuring out the latter was what ultimately brought me out of the depression cove of incel-adjacent spaces.
Still, it's lonely. There exist concepts like queer/quasiplatonic relationships, which do sound nice, but will never happen. Close friendships are unlikely now that I have a full time jobs as well.
To quote Tony Soprano: "What you gonna do?"
I do have online friends, who I appreciate a lot.
I don't think you should blame women, but isn't it the case that society provides fucked up standards for both men and women to be judged against, and that trickles down to some individuals being socially ostracized? Maybe it was all your fault, but that's not something that can be generalized.
That and you really come across as blaming yourself for your depression. Maybe you were just a miserable loser and it was just a mindset problem, but having a mental disorder is nothing to blame yourself for.
Maybe I could have phrased it better, I'm not blaming myself for being depressed, that's just luck of the draw/the horrifying reality of living in this world, but staying in and avoiding all human contact isn't exactly conducive to meeting people, let alone forming deeper relationships. So I guess I'm blaming depression itself for it, and that was exacerbated by capitalism.
Not to make light of it but I almost miss my old highschool depression that was all self loathing instead of this pit of grief but I'm going to stop myself from traumadumping here lol
Hey don't call me out
I was offering it mainly because I thought it wasn't the case. People usually don't spend significant portions of their life in a funk without there being some diagnosable mental problem involved (whether inborn, traumagenic, or otherwise).
You're not just a miserable loser
and I like your posts.
I definitely have mental problems, but I don't think anything out there can help me (including therapy) and I don't know what to do anymore.
I certainly can't help you. I think one thing that is good about therapists is that, even if talking to them doesn't help inherently, they can often use their great amount of knowledge about you to recommend something that might help you more, like psychiatry or support groups.
But people have the ability to change for the better, they always do until they die, and that includes you. As a stranger on the internet, I have no idea how to help you, but I am certain that you can be helped because you're a human who can communicate and take in new information.
Dating apps sure haven't helped.