Update
Hi there. I'm blown away by the quality of responses I've received here. Throughout, there are some extremely useful perspectives on what might be going on and the underlying motivations that are leading to my behavior. My next logical step is to be mindful of the emotions that I'm feeling when I start to feel these reset behaviors, and to extend my awareness of them outside of just the example I shared below. The next logical step is to seek out a therapist or other sort of psychological support. I just want to thank those have commented and encourage users to keep conversations going between them. My interaction with this post will likely slow a lot as I contemplate and try to find a normal. For the curious, I resisted a strong urge to do a reset yesterday at work and instead of spending a couple hours doing that, I spent considerable time learning through some blind spots in a language I'm supposed to be an expert at. Thanks again to all of you.
While all comments were useful in one way or another, I was especially impacted by comments from IonAddis and Boozilla
Original Post
I'm struggling to find relevant information or shared experiences on this topic and I'm hoping that someone here can point me in the right direction. I seem to have always struggled with what I'm calling tech permanence. I define tech permanence as the ability to use some form of tech (either a phone, an operating system, a library, a package manager, etc.) for an extended period of time.
My issue is then that I struggle with maintaining long-term relationships with these technical aspects of my life and it's starting to affect my work and mental health. An example is likely the best way to describe this.
At least once a week I reinstall the operating system on my desktop computer at work because I can't seem to commit to Linux or Windows 11. I'm not distro hopping on the Linux side of things (always Debian 12).
I've identified a cycle where this behavior repeats:
- Get excited by something that is only available on Linux: this can be a specific software, but more often than not it is actually the file system itself. I love everything about it.
- Work on Linux for a couple of days: in this stage I'll painstakingly craft an environment that is needed for my work.
- ** Mental cry**: in this stage my mind will tell me that I'm just using Linux to use Linux and everything I want to do I can do on my MacBook or on Windows. I've seen this coupled with a bit of anxiety about not being able to use Microsoft products if requested (though I know there are a million work arounds).
- Searching for greener pastures: a stage in which I want to just use products that are more reliable, and honestly, just more pretty. This is the stage that perplexes me the most and often where the reinstall of my desktop to Windows occurs.
- Work on Windows for a couple of days: in this stage I set up my environment, do work for a couple of days, and then wonder why I don't just use Linux.
- Repeat: I repeat this cycle 1-2 times per week.
This can be mapped to phone operating systems too. An example is that I use an iOS device on a daily basis, but sometimes I'll go get a cheap Pixel just to throw GrapheneOS on, then to revert to Android, and then back to iOS.
I've tried pretty hard to search for relevant examples of this online, but I can't seem to find the right search terms for any of this. The closest I've seen is "object permanence" in the ADHD research, but I'm pretty cautious to start self-diagnosing as I'm not a professional.
Can anyone comment on this or point me to a more appropriate community?
I am not a doctor and I'm not going to pretend to be one on the internet. However, it sounds like you may have some mild esoteric form of obsessive compulsive disorder or something adjacent to that. One of my friends and coworkers (in IT) had OCD and it's no joke. He was part of a support group for it. I'm not trying to scare you or anything but you may want to talk to a therapist. If you do have something like that, it is manageable.
Focusing on the tech side: every piece of software, hardware, or tech is going to be a collection of compromises designed by a committee and implemented by a team of highly flawed humans. In constantly seeking an optimum setup you are falling into the ancient trap of "perfection is the enemy of good enough".
Maybe gamify this and try to spend more time with your current setup. If you give in to the compulsion to change it again, try to challenge yourself to stick with the new one even longer than the previous one. And, most of all: try to relax and accept the fact that all of this tech shit is always going to be a hot mess! That's why they patch it and update it constantly. It's just the nature of the beast.
I appreciate the constructive response. The OCD aspect concerns me, but it seems in line with my behavior so I will investigate that further. In particular, I have access to a therapist through my work so that might be the next most logical step.
I agree that no technical environment is the end all, and I’m going to try and tap into that perspective next time this comes up.
Well wishes to you. I think it's not uncommon in people who like to code and do similar techy stuff.
If you'll indulge another analogy: It's good to sharpen the saw and re-organize the tool shed and stuff like that. Unless you realize that's all you're doing and not actually using those tools to do anything productive.
What you’ve described is a solid parallel to several aspects of my own life, albeit mine are less disruptive. But I’m reasonably confident it’s an interplay between my ADHD and bipolar that lead to the behaviors. Now that I’m properly medicated, it’s much less of an issue for me.
Not saying you have either, but definitely worth investigating the mental health side of things considering this sounds properly disruptive, which is the line for something being a ‘condition’.