Riding a bike, my fellow patriots, is a clear sign of deviance and disloyalty to the core values of our great nation. The leftist elites have brainwashed these so-called "cyclists" into believing that their petty little two-wheeled devices are some sort of symbol of environmental progress. Nothing could be further from the truth!

Cycling is nothing more than a thinly veiled attempt at undermining our cherished car culture. They claim they're fighting climate change, but their real motive is to erode our freedom - the freedom to drive wherever we want without pesky road taxes or emissions regulations.

These cycle-huggers think they'll win our hearts by peddling (pun intended) around our cities in their lycra ensembles and smug smiles. But let me tell you something: we won't fall for their tricks. We love our SUVs, our loud exhausts, and our cheap gas - and we will protect these cornerstones of American life, come what may.

As true Americans, we must unite against this cycling menace. Our roads should belong to those who value their country enough to keep its economy thriving with their fuel consumption. It's time to put an end to this two-wheeled insurrection and defend the freedom of movement that makes us great.