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I feel like I missed the boat to be bi (beehaw.org)

submitted 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]

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This is a bit of a vent because I don't feel comfortable talking about this in literally any other virtual or physical space. I hope that's ok.

I'm a 28 y/o cis woman in a straight relationship.

When I was 14 I once confided to someone that I thought I was bi. A couple of years later she brings it up in a group setting an I was adamant that conversation never happened and that I was 100% straight.

I grew up in an immigrant community and while unspoken it was always clear to me that there would be hell to pay if I was bi. My parents were already abusive and neglectful and it was hard enough to survive in that environment as is... I was always conscious of not wanting to make that even harder.

And because I was also attracted to men I guess it felt easy enough for me to ignore my attraction to women.

Even in uni I would make out with girls and stuff and my mental dissonance was like "oh, all girls are like that."

I'm super happy that kids these days are more comfortable being queer but as that happened around me it became clear to me that... Oh, shit, I'm bi.

And it just upsets me? Like I'm in a loving straight relationship. I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I'm going to marry him in a couple of years. I don't have the opportunity to explore my bisexuality because that boat has sailed.

And I don't feel comfortable "coming out". I have this vague guilt that I've lived my entire life with straight privilege and still do, being in a straight relationship. I feel like if I came out I'd be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are "actually queer". I'm worried people won't believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.

In terms of things in my life that cause me distress this is not the biggest one (I have C-PTSD, MDD, GAD, and am still not sure I'll survive to my 30s).

But I just feel like I'm stuck being a straight woman, and it's just something about myself that I'll never get to be authentic about. And it sucks and it hurts. And I'm ashamed to tell anyone because I'm afraid neither straight nor queer spaces will believe/accept me.

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[–] [email protected] 15 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I just want to tell you... feeling invisible is not a privilege. Feeling like you have to hide who you are because you might never be able to explore it fully is not a privilege. Feeling like you have to pretend to be someone you are not is not a privilege.

"Straight privilege" for queer people is not a thing. It's a form of erasure, plain and simple. And it seems to really hurt you.

Please don't feel like you being able to hide your sexuality is something you need to feel guilty about. It sounds more like you suffer because of this. You have the right to call yourself queer, you are not taking away anything from anyone by coming out and you have the right to be comfortable with who you are.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago

Thank you. It's hard to say more right now because this is a lot to take in... But thank you.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

I’m late, but I wanted to echo this and add an interesting fact to support it.

Studies show that bi people experience poorer mental health than gay and lesbian people, and a large part of that is thought to be because bi people are much more likely to be closeted. (See this paper: https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/full/10.1080/00224499.2017.1387755)

I’m a mostly-closeted bi woman, for reasons similar to OP, but I found it helpful to learn that. It definitely made me feel less guilty, and more comfortable existing in the few queer spaces I can be out in.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (2 children)

I’m also straight passing and feel uncomfortable telling people I’m bi, as tho I’m claiming oppression when I actually have privilege. But with supportive communities and friends, it doesn’t have to be like that.

I hope you find the courage to talk about it with some people you trust irl. There’s something very freeing about just treating it as another aspect of yourself and being around people who accept that. My long term partner is also bi and I’m the only person who knows, but I’m glad he felt comfortable telling me.

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (1 children)

I've talked about it a bit with my boyfriend. It's just hard to talk about it. It's kind of a new realization for me even though I've known it in the back of my mind all along.

And I just can't help but feel stupid and small for it. Like, "What's the point? You're in a straight monogamous relationship. Why are you so attention seeking? Just move on with your life."

I think I'm the one who needs to accept myself, not other people, reading that last paragraph back to myself lol. I think I'm scared to be bi in a straight monogamous relationship.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

“What’s the point? You’re in a straight monogamous relationship. Why are you so attention seeking? Just move on with your life.”

Coming out isn't attention seeking - it's about living your truth. It's being able to freely and openly define yourself, regardless of the kind of relationship you're currently in or how you present yourself to the world.

Besides, the attention visibly queer and visibly trans people get, at least in my experience, is negative - who gets up in the morning seeking that? That argument is just a cop-out people use to demean queer and trans people who need to be out to feel whole & fulfilled. Don't internalize that language - that's how they keep us down.

From what I'm reading, it sounds like your spirit truly wants to be out about this part of your life - including grieving the opportunities you missed out on growing up. That's beautiful, and I think you need to listen to this hunger you feel to exist openly and without shame. That instinct is completely natural and should be nurtured - and only you know how to grow tend that feeling.

I have found, though, that leaning into righteous anger sometimes can be healing. I mean, you were robbed of living as your full self - that's fucked up! You have a RIGHT to take back what's yours. LOVE yourself, just as you are - DON'T let society colonize your mind. Bi people are queer; queer people are queer REGARDLESS of what relationship they're in, and queer people are BEAUTIFUL. Allow yourself to rage, to grieve; but as an adult, know YOU are in control now. Whatever you had to do to survive up to this point - embrace it, allow the pain that comes with it - then take an honest look at what you need to thrive NOW.

My younger sister is in the same position as you - she's actually married already. She's decided not to come out because she's scared of our parents...(our father is first gen, too). Even though my siblings and I are all in our mid to late 30s, she can't bring herself to do it. But she's not happy.

Life is too short to stay in the closet (making exceptions for safety and personal preference, of course - some people aren't interested in coming out, and that's fine). If nothing else, fight these demeaning thoughts for the younger you who wanted so desperately to come out and be embraced by others. You're beautiful, you're strong, you're still here - don't you ever forget it. I'm saying this as a fellow bi. You DESERVE to live your truth - don't give up on you!

[–] [email protected] 0 points 1 year ago (1 children)

the attention visibly queer and visibly trans people get, at least in my experience, is negative - who gets up in the morning seeking that?

You articulated this particular piece so well for me. I think I'm also struggling because I don't WANT to be queer. Between the mental health issues and the race and gender and and and I just... I didn't want to be bi on top of that. This isn't fun for me. I don't want one more thing my family is going to invalidate and judge me for. I didn't want to recognize my suffering on yet another thing.

But people (especially younger people) around me are getting more vocal and comfortable with their sexuality and I was watching Atypical where this teenager was discovering she was bi and I just hit this wall. I had to skip the scene because I couldn't bear to hear her say, "I'm bi." It just... Hurt. I both envied her and felt shame I wasn't her. But it wasn't the same 15 years ago when I grew up. (which just makes me feel stupid again. 15 years ago is bootycheeks compared to 50 years ago)

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago) (1 children)

That's completely valid. When you're burnt out on bullshit, it's hard to take on more. Do you have the resources to connect with a therapist about this by any chance? This is the kind of deep-seated emotional pain that I find is better processed with someone else, especially a professional who can handle taking it on. I completely understand if that isn't something you want to do, but I feel like things get more complicated the more marginalizations you have.

I don't know you beyond this forum, but I do wish I could give you a big hug right now. The world can be such a shit place sometimes, but please know that your identity is 100% real and worth celebrating. You don't have to justify it. It just is. I wish your family and those around you could unconditionally support you - it is so awful when that doesn't happen. I've been there (in some ways). When I was growing up, never talked about this shit - ever. Coming out was just asking to be ostracized and abused.

That's why we have to love ourselves so unapologetically. We can't rely on others to do it, even though we should be able to. I see you and support you. You deserve to be loved for who you are - ALL of you. I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of this.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Thank you so much. I feel your big hug and it's appreciated. I do have a therapist I see for my depression and ptsd. I will definitely talk about this with her.

Your empathy stretches beyond even the topic at hand. You hit the nail on the head when you say that suffering added on to existing suffering makes everything more complicated.

If I were mentally healthy right now I think I would process my sexual identity more easily. But for 3 years I've been struggling with annihilating depression.

Writing this is also a helpful reminder that I'm not in the best spot to figure it all out right now, and that I don't have to. I can sit with these somewhat complicated feelings for now and wait for when I'm healthier to open the box. At least I've acknowledged the box for now, instead of shoving it in the closet (har har).

Thank you again for your empathy and kindness. Really.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

The more people who come out like this will show how common it is. From a pure numbers and odd percentage most bi people will end up in straight passing relationships. Almost all will be in at least once. So the more open people are about this the less alone they will all feel

[–] [email protected] 5 points 1 year ago (3 children)

Like others have said a lot of what you're feeling may be internalized biphobia. Went through the same thing too personally. But here's something I realized that I keep in mind that helped put things into perspective: as a bi person your dating pool will always skew towards a "straight" passing one because they're are simply more straight and bi people of the opposite gender or other genders than bi and gay folks of your gender. That's just how the math works out. So statistically the average bi experience is a "straight" relationship from a shallow outsider perspective, but that doesn't change you, your partner, or yalls sexuality at all.

Being Bi is also not defined by enjoying your whole range of attraction simultaneously. There's a lot of things we all would like to do but realize realistically we just won't be able to, and that's okay. I love space but I know I'll never be an astronaut and go there, yet that doesn't make my desire to see the stars any less real and valid.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I love space but I know I'll never be an astronaut and go there, yet that doesn't make my desire to see the stars any less real and valid.

I actually love this and it legitimately makes me feel better lol

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago* (last edited 1 year ago)

Random but you should check out the podcast "sawbones" or "still buffering." Sydnee McElroy (who's in both of them) is also bi and married to a man with kids. She's really cool and a great illustration of a public figure who is out as bi and also in a monogamous, heteronornative relationship. It might help you too listen to someone in a similar situation to yourself!

This is literally the episode she comes out as bi on https://maximumfun.org/episodes/still-buffering/still-buffering-how-pride-now-50-teens/

Also sawbones is just the absolute best podcast. You can't go wrong with it.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

But here's something I realized that I keep in mind that helped put things into perspective: as a bi person your dating pool will always skew towards a "straight" passing one because they're are simply more straight and bi people of the opposite gender or other genders than bi and gay folks of your gender. That's just how the math works out. So statistically the average bi experience is a "straight" relationship from a shallow outsider perspective, but that doesn't change you, your partner, or yalls sexuality at all.

This is a beautiful point about the numbers involved here

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago

I feel like if I came out I’d be virtue signalling and taking oxygen from people who are “actually queer”. I’m worried people won’t believe me, because I spent 15 years not believing myself.

For what it's worth from an internet stranger:

I believe you. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to be who you are. You have just as much of a right to identify as whatever you want as anyone else. And if someone doesn't agree with that, that says a whole lot more about them than about you.

[–] [email protected] 4 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Realized I was Bi 3 years after I married the love of my life in a fully straight marriage. I don't really feel like I missed out, but it does feel like it's not allowed to be part of my identity because I never got to take action on it.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago (1 children)

Exactly on the identity piece, although I do kind of feel like I missed out. I keep thinking about all the times I felt attraction and ran away from it 😅

But I'm with the love of my life too, so, I guess I just move on.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

I would recommend you try to deal with that feeling, purely for your future relationship. I'd hate for that to cause you issues down the line. Marriage can be hard enough without constant feelings like the grass is greener somewhere else. Even if you never do anything, that can still affect you.

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

Imposter syndrome can be such a weird thing to overcome. Do you experience attraction to more than one gender? Then you're bi! It's not oppression Olympics - a fundamental part about intersectionality is that no identity is erased by the presence of other identities, regardless of how marginalized one is in reference to the other. You're not intruding on a space by sharing an identity, even if you don't experience the same amount of marginalization.

People have already mentioned that this is also an extremely common kind of biphobic behavior - erasure. Straight people find bi people too gay and gay people find bi people too straight. Both think that bi people are pretending, or are just in a phase. Some people sometimes erase the label entirely, claiming that everyone experiences attraction to both genders.

You're valid and you're more than welcome to adopt the bi label. We'd love to have you under our beautiful queer umbrella 💜🌈✨

[–] [email protected] 3 points 1 year ago

My wife came out to me as bi after we got married so we are in a straight presenting relationship. We are still in a monogamist relationship and from an outsiders perceptive nothing has changed. But for us internally its different but overall much better. Her honesty has let me explore portions of my own sexuality away from the heteronormative assumptions which has been great. We are both more open and honest since the whole experience. It started with mall things like both admitting that the actress in a show is hot but it was a prompt to be more open about everything in our relationship from kink, monogamy, jealously etc. It is totally worth it from my end as a spouse of a bi women. We aren't out here having threesome constantly but that doesn't mean she still isn't bi.

From her standpoint she has been coming out to her friends and family and most people are supportive. There was a one big fight with one of her
"friends" who didn't understand why she was saying that she was bi now. This was hard for everyone.

However, the disconnection from the rest of the queer community since she is an straight appearing relationship is hard. She has said that she wishes she had more friends in her situation. The ironic situation is since she is a therapist is that a large percentage of her clients have come out as bi in the exact same situations as her. They are all women is happy relationships who are bi with straight male partners. They all feel the same way and she is even starting a therapy group for them to talk about their situation. So you are not alone in this situation and coming out you might find some friends who are in the same situation.

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

I’m a cishet white male and I can’t really imagine what it was like, all I can say is I’m sorry you had to go through it. At the same time (and again this is looking through whatever privilege I have had) i think it’s worth coming out to your significant other with no other goal but just to have him know you better. It’s scary. They might react negatively. But if you can afford losing this relationship think - would you rather be married to someone who’s against who you are? Do you want to constantly hide who you are at home? I think if you do come out to him you’ll likely feel more validated and have a “load off your shoulders”

[–] [email protected] 2 points 1 year ago

This is my story nearly verbatim. Definitely understand where you are coming from.

[–] [email protected] 1 points 1 year ago

Straight bi or gay its all the same. As long as you're loving who you love. You don't need to show or prove anything. If you say your bi it's no one's business to question it. Dont let anyone tries to give you that purity test bs.

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