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being deprived of solitude long enough will eventually kill me. (discuss.tchncs.de)
submitted 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago) by [email protected] to c/[email protected]
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I can actually vibe quite bigly and be very animated/engaged, but at the end of the day, I am an introvert, and a certain amount of mental recharge time is absolutely 100% required or my mind will stop working right.

What I mean by that is, if I am continuously exposed to the presence of "incompatible" human beings (the "compatible" ones seem to be a subset of people with ADHD / ASD / mood disorders), I will literally start showing symptoms similar to dementia, I will progressively lose my ability to speak and understand language, I will eventually start having (boring) hallucinations, etc. All of this is reversible if I am subsequently left the fuck alone, though the cognitive effects can persist for weeks or months after a bad episode.

In part because I do tech work which requires keeping a lot of information in mind at once, the above issue renders me unable to work during acute burnout, and unable to predict when or how much I'll be able to work during chronic (but not acute) burnout.

Because of this, I am (by some definitions) homeless, don't control my living environment, don't even fully control my diet for various reasons, etc. I'm actually writing this post as a tangent from looking up diabetes warning signs and discovering I have a number, all consistent with each other, all of which slowly got worse at the same rate over the last 5 years of chronic burnout. This is a result of not being able to control my diet or my exercise level (wayyy too fatigued from overstim most of the time).

But it's all, 100% of it, a carryover effect of not being able to get enough solitude that my mind can self-regulate sufficiently to be able to do paying work on a regular basis.

I lost my home a few years into the burnout and wound up bouncing thru a series of friends. Every single household had human factors that drove me into burnout. It's people who don't know how be still, who are always Doing Something even if they are sitting still - I can never stop perceiving them or being "on guard" in a house with them. It grinds me right down to the bone and then some. Anyway it was just dumb luck of the draw - some percentage of the population I can live with just fine. 3 years into this phase I ended up in an area that's very sprawly, did get a car for a while but not one I'd trust to take more than 10 or 15 miles, you should have seen this deathtrap, it was like a sitcom car, and anyway it died last year. So, I can't just walk to town and work at McDonald's or whatever. Camping options (uninhabited woods) exist but camping in them is illegal (which I've done on a couple desperate occasions).

I'm not entirely sure why I'm even posting this, other than to say I made a friend diagnosed with ASD a few years back who has a very similar symptom profile to me, but who is even more sensitive than me, and trapped like this with her own family. I know y'all are out there. You're valid. I know you're trying even if you've been so goddamn tired your eyeballs could melt for a month, 6 months, a year, 3 years.

I don't know about you, but I literally just need to be left the fuck alone and I will be fine, and able to pull myself out of the hole in 6-12 months. But that's the problem, this is America, nobody gets that kind of runway unless they're rich (or young and middle class with nice and/or indulgent family).

I don't need to be alone, but with 4 alcoholics having a rager in the rest of the house.

I don't need to be alone, but with occasional random people in and out of the house.

I don't need to be alone, but for only 24 total hours each week in irregular intervals.

I need to be able to access solitude / the company only of people who don't fixate my attention with their human presence, whenever I need, for as long as I need. Period.

Anyway, I'm legit thankful to live in a society where this is even fucking possible. I'm in North America and I know how to tickle computers. I've been on my ass for a literal decade, but if anybody can finagle a way back from it, it's me.

There are a lot of people who started off like I did - lower middle class with bright parents - and who ended up like I did, who beat themselves up relentlessly over it. I went to support groups and I saw how bad they hurt. Fortunately I don't have that problem, but I like to keep myself from developing it by doing shit like meditating, and watching videos of South Asian metalworking factories where dudes pour molten steel into molds while barefoot, and don't wait for the dust to settle in the lead oxide ball mill tumbler before opening the door and taking in a nice big lungful.

Eh, that's probably enough for now. I see you and love you, obligate introverts.

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[-] [email protected] 17 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

I also know not everybody will be fine and be able to cope better if left alone. I will, but it was a long damn journey to get to where I'm able to say that with confidence. If you're somebody who needs to be alone but won't be fine if you are, I see you too.

[-] [email protected] 14 points 1 month ago

Fellow introvert. Don't really know what to say other than this post tracks. The value of just "being" is really important.

Hope your week is well. And everyone who reads this, too.

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago

I'm reading this directly after a long day of social interactions with strangers. My social battery hit zero about two hours before the event was over and it still had two hours of talking to my kid(I love him to the bone, but I just can't handle the nonstop talking when I'm this drained) and I got a surprise phone call from my family on top of all that

Safe to say I'm not gonna willingly talk to anyone for the next 24 hours. Just wanted to say I know the feeling and I hope you get the chance to decompress soon

[-] [email protected] 9 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

That feel when most other people are 1/2 level cognito hazards.

[-] [email protected] 7 points 4 weeks ago

Hey bud, I hope you make it through this, but it's also important to me that you know someone saw this, and recognized that you thought of others while writing it. Your outlook is beautiful, even in a rant like this. Keep beijg you above all else.

[-] [email protected] 5 points 1 month ago

Love you too, buddy.

[-] [email protected] 4 points 1 month ago

Holy fuck. I am similar. I didn't think there were other people like me. It doesn't hit as bad or as often but being around people too long can lay me up for a while. I'm slowly coming back from a bad episode rn.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 1 month ago

I genuinely have no idea if it's an option for you or if it'd even help but for 10/11 days of relative isolation you could try vipassana

Not sure what the northern US wait times are like, but you generally need to book ahead.

It's free, it works on a volunteer basis, no idea how if it works for people with no fixed abode but proof of residence was not required where i am.

Do check if it's suitable for you though, there are rules (albeit not many), they seem reasonable to me but might not be for you.

Isolation wise, there is no communication between attendees, but there are group meditation sessions (though they are also non-talking).

The three aspects that weren't silent :

  • the meditation instruction, it was a one hour-ish video playback per day explaining the process.
  • the final day, discussion is allowed.
  • optional question time with an instructor.
[-] [email protected] 3 points 1 month ago* (last edited 1 month ago)

The first step is, for the period of the course, to abstain from killing, stealing, sexual activity, speaking falsely, and intoxicants.

Why do they always lump sex in with bad stuff? Like, I can manage not to kill anyone for 10 days, but if my wife wants it, she's gonna get some.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 1 month ago

It's not considered bad , but it is a distraction, there's supposed to be no communication between attendees.

It's supposed to be full introspection, afaict.

Don't know if its the same in all places but men and women were completely separate in the one I went to.

Even if you went with your wife you'd not really be there with her, you'd be two people in the same place at the same time, not communicating.

It's not really a relaxing holiday kind of place.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 4 weeks ago

It's not considered bad , but it is a distraction,

Then why is it on the list of horrible things? The list doesn't mention communication, and in fact specifically prohibits lying. That suggests that speacking truly is permitted, and this is a list of bad things. Killing, stealing, lying, drugs and alcohol, and sex.

That's a list someone makes when they don't approve of sex (or intoxicants, but that's another conversation).

[-] [email protected] 2 points 4 weeks ago

I think the actual rule is: 'no sexual misconduct' aka rape, harrasment, etc.

Many of the rules are simplified for the course of 10 days. (easy to have no sexual misconduct if you have no sexual activities at all)

Same with the rule 'No talking'. The actual rule is 'Don't speak harsh words, lies, or deception'. Which is again much easier if you simply don't speak at all.

[-] [email protected] 1 points 4 weeks ago

TL;DR;

The rules might be considered a list of "immoral things" but in my experience it was treated more as a list of "distracting things", YMMV.

Then why is it on the list of horrible things?

You mean the list specifically titled "precepts" ?

It does indicate that it's a list based on what is considered "moral conduct" so i suppose it could be considered a list of "Immoral" things.

I personally read it as "Rules and Guidelines to prevent distraction during the process".

While i don't personally prescribe to that kind of moral absolutism i was willing to adhere to the guidelines for a short period to experience the process in it's intended form.

Attendance isn't mandatory so people will have to make that call for themselves if they are considering going.

The list doesn’t mention communication, and in fact specifically prohibits lying. That suggests that speacking truly is permitted,

The section titled "Noble Silence" 4 paragraphs down, specifically goes in to the details of the non-communication i was referencing.

and this is a list of bad things

Not sure what you mean here, but hopefully i've covered it above.

That’s a list someone makes when they don’t approve of sex (or intoxicants, but that’s another conversation).

Very possibly and i'd guess it comes from the Buddhist origins.

I will state that my experience is that it wasn't preachy at all, the video recordings do reference some Buddhist stories/teachings but only really to use them as examples for teaching the meditation process.

Given that you aren't supposed to be communicating in general there is very little leeway in which preaching could occur.

[-] [email protected] 2 points 4 weeks ago

She fucking better get it, hell yea dude

[-] [email protected] 1 points 3 weeks ago

I 💯% need my alone time to recharge, or I start falling apart. Things that can happen if I'm don't get quiet alone time:

  • irritability
  • careless injuries, including broken bones
  • lack of engagement in anything enjoyable
  • inability to think
  • not completing any responsibilities (eg bills, work, etc.)
  • not completing activities of daily living
  • going mute
  • drinking excessively
  • verbally snapping at someone or insulting them
  • crying
  • seeing everything and everyone as a threat
  • complete shutdown or even meltdown

My most reliable solution in social situations has been going to the bathroom. There must be soooo many people that think I constantly have diarrhea because I go to the bathroom that often, sometimes for up to 30 mins a session. I love how the bathroom fan's noise drowns out everything else. If I can still hear people outside, then the bathroom break doesn't work, so I might go outside or to my car.

It's not that people are annoying or I don't like them. I just need solitary silence to process the ideas on my waitlist or allow my mind to focus on what it wants without interruption to recharge. It's almost like sleep. If I don't get it, I fall apart.

this post was submitted on 15 Jun 2024
130 points (97.8% liked)

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