The whole time reading the post I was thinking "that sounds like my masking", so yeah, i struggle with that too. I have very high expectations of myself in social contexts, and I am extremely harsh whenever I do something I consider a faux pas or a "social mistake", just beating myself over the head with negative thoughts. This includes a very cringy moment of my youth where i was being "performatively weird", imagine rawr XD but more dudebro nerd coded, and how much i just hated myself the whole time.
this post was submitted on 29 Jul 2024
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This includes a very cringy moment of my youth where i was being "performatively weird", imagine rawr XD but more dudebro nerd coded, and how much i just hated myself the whole time.
I will never forget that moment in 1st/2nd/3rd grade during music class. We were split into groups and everyone had to come up with a dance and the group would copy. Then it was my turn to do a dance. 
I've been trying to overcome this and it's almost impossible (for me). I like being silly in private, but couldn't figure it out in public as an adult I think largely due to childhood bullying. Anyway, I started making nature videos where I talk but I'm not on camera. I do weird voices and say a lot of nonsense, but people seem to dig it? I've gotten close to 5k followers just kinda unmasking and being goofy about critters and trees and shit (edit: I meant "shit" as in "stuff" here, but it's funny because I have in fact made a video about bird poop).
I've even put myself in a video a couple of times now that I've been doing it for like 3 months. I even go live and yap at an audience of 50 people or so now. I'm not always intentionally silly (I'm low-key trying to radicalize people), but it's been an interesting way to kind of break down my mask and remember what I used to be like before I was so self conscious
I didnt feel it this strong in the past, I think finishing school and working a "serious" corporate job has really taken its toll.
Yeah, I'm almost 40 and wasn't diagnosed as a kid or anything. So my mask was 30+ years strong and I genuinely have no fucking clue who I am sometimes because of it. All kinds of things I thought I enjoyed were really just me participating in other people's hobbies as a way to blend in or whatever. I was also in the army and that fucked me up real good when it came to acting goofy or whatever. Plus there are a lot of things around gender/masculinity that I was trying to perform properly, but the reality is I'm non-binary and just didn't understand it because of the autism...idk, it's a whole fucking mess and sometimes I really wish I could go back and never figure this out at all.
Corporate jobs insert a boss right into your head somehow. And it never really goes away
That's why Roland Barthes' speech about "killing the cop in your head" is so inspiring.
I can't do that 'whossha good boy shwubshwubshwub' shit with dogs
Naming your pets old man/old lady names and talking to them like they’re your personal garfield
Yes, because as a child drawing attention to myself in any way (even something as simple as smiling or talking to a friend in public) could make me a target for bullying.
Historically yes, and when I first came out and began presenting them it occurred to me that I must truly be trans because there was no other possible way the old me would be capable of being so "out there" in public.
But I feel more comfortable being silly now that I decided I don't care what strangers think of me. After all, if they are the kind of person to take issue with that then I truly do not value their opinion anyway.
I don’t even make silly baby voices with animals or babies in private. I just talk to them like a grown man and commentate on what I like or dislike about a show or ask them if they’re hungry.
I will never sing karaoke in front of even close friends (I used to sing and memorize songs when i was 2-3) , do impersonations, and I try to avoid running or hugging in public. Hell I even try to avoid smiling or laughing or talking for a long time because it feels artificial or sounds weird, but it seems that I’m used to smiling unintentionally to seem friendly. The exception to all this is if I had a girlfriend and we do these things in private with just the two of us, or she insists
No, at least for me
However, most of my silly behavoir in public involves just walking around, either hyped, angry or both, as if to take a hike... or trying to verbally "wise-crack", though it seems it strays from the definition
If the situation asked, I would, but I wouldn't indulge a lot of my energy in that.
I developed an (un)healthy contempt for the norms and can be fairly strange. Are they judging me? I don't care. If they were worthy of judging me they'd be boogying in the cereal aisle too, and as they are not I can see they are people of no account who can be safely dismissed.
My mom used to slap my hand when I stimmed. It didn't work, so she'd just hold my hand and tell me to calm down lol.
Even so, I still imagine getting slapped on the hands when I get self conscious about my more obvious stims. That's how I remembered she use to do that lol.